June thats' what I meant when I wrote that I sense I will keep looking for something ...magical to take the pain away, and no matter what he does, I am expecting the next thing to "do it" for me, and then the next and the next and NOTHING makes it better.
Sara, I am obsessing, I know. MAybe all this "thing" happened to teach me a lesson different from what I thought it was. Maybe I am supposed to learn that some things cant be forgiven, some loves just cant be mended or even that my love for him, isnt as big as I convienced myself it was... Maybe my "strength" has reached it's max and it still isnt enough.
One thing is for sure. If I keep being like this, we stand no chance. There is too much resentment and hurt coming out from deep inside. What I am currently doing is bottling it and keeping quiet so it wont bring up fights or bad words. I am starting to believe I am leading him AND the kids on.
