Just found out she already filed

[NoLongerHere]

SR, I'm starting to think you're just traveling on the same route I did, months later, or you're copying off my paper, or something. For example the weird lets-cancel-the-court-mediation thing. Did I read that right, that she agreed to settle out of court? Great!

So just pretend I'm the future you. Yeah, the "lunch date" that I had, which I didn't even identify as a date, it was just lunch, ended at 2:00 am with us making out in a parking lot like a couple of teenagers, and a month later realizing I was in over my head with something I wasn't ready for. Not going to tell you do or don't, but the possibility exists that you're going to end up doing things that you didn't expect you would. What Wii's talking about happened. Be careful.

[whatisis]

SR, it is a rough go! Single friends is probably a good option. I know my church involvement helped me to meet people, take part in activities and to grow spiritually. Now, I know that option isn't for everyone. I'm just suggesting you be careful right now, take it slowly and allow yourself grieving time because there's a lot to grieve here. You put in a long time trying to save something of value and now it's gone. That hurts like hell! Btw, you didn't waste two years because by DBing you grew as a person and you also showed faithfulness and honour, that's never a waste in my books! Later, SR.
Btw, I did the "just coffee" route and it eventually became one more blow I had to handle at a very difficult time. So, again, be careful!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Geronimo, I do find a lot of similarities between your stich and mine. In fact, I can't stop thinking about what you said a few days ago in your thread that how you had to adjust to taking care of things alone that you weren't used to. You did them as a challenge and felt proud when you accomplished them but now it's your life (for now)...I've felt that way before and I think about it every now and then. I look at the empty night stand on STBX's side of the bed and it just hurts like hell...in the begining it was 'so what? I can do this...' but now I know that spot will remain empty for a long time. It's just a sucky feeling.

Wii, I know it'll make for a good war story years down the road but right now it does feel like a waste of time and how difficult these times have been. How I've been in pain emotionally. I'm tired of feeling helpless and being the victim, I'm tired of feeling sad, I'm tired of keeping that hope alive that isn't. I deserve happiness, I deserve someone that will appreciate me for who I am, I deserve to have a home (not a house). I have a lot to offer and if my STBX won't see it that way then it's too bad. As FM said somewhere "you don't have to be like an italian wife and wear black for a year". Well at least that's how I feel today.

[flowmom]

HotRomeo, I'm not anti-dating, but as I've written to you many times before, I do think that you need to branch out socially. Develop friendships with single/divorced folks, figure out how to have fun with people, make feeling good socially a goal. Dating is not a short-cut to GAL/detachment. You have to do the work on that and get out of your comfort zone. I've had many of the thoughts that you're having so I can relate.

Each week, do something social that stretches your comfort zone.

[whatisis]

Well put, Flowmom. I've been on the BB for a few years and many times have heard males (and it's almost always males) who say they are over their spouse, they've wasted time, they want a new life etc shortly after the split and are READY to date. It's rarely a good strategy and when the report back months later, it was often a set back. I know how hard it is to be rejected by someone who you feel probably knows you better than anyone else in this world, it's devestating. You wonder if anyone else could ever love you after your life partner has said "you're not good enough" or that's how it feels. Often jumping ahead feels good for the ego and covers up the pain (and I know how tiring pain gets!). But again, it's better to take your time, take care of you and learn to love YOU without someone else for awhile. The hard route is often the best route in the long run. I firmly believe that. Getting over a long term marriage is not a short term assignment. You gotta feel to heal!

[whatisis]

OK, here's option 2. If you're really determined to be Hot Romeo I recommend the Mail Order Bride route. You can order a half dozen and have a date every night except Sundays, of course. If you order in bulk you get a break on postage and handling. Now, you'll need to set some criteria and I'd go with women who DON'T speak any English and wear deoderant. Once you decide on which one will be the next Mrs. Romeo you can give the others away as Christmas gifts therefore by-passing the malls at Christmas time, every mans dream. Btw, don't you worry about those human trafficking laws, jail time is just a threat they use to scare you! Besides, wouldn't finding true love be worth every minute of it? Let me know how it goes!

[ImprovedRomeo]

FM, I know you've told me several times to expand my social circle and do things out of my comfort zone. I hear you but I just don't know how to do it. Like today, I went to lunch with the guys on my team but was mostly quiet and listening to them talking about the games etc. Then after a meeting I talked to this new girl at work on the way back to my office- I just struck up a conversation with her and it went fine. Now what? lol

I also signed up for a picnic event at a kid's park nearby...

Wii...I hear you, I know I've said those same things to others before and to myself (not the mail order bride part :)). I know I'm not ready for a relationship, I know that. But I do desire sitting by the beach with a cute girl and just talking the day away. I'll try to seek out other ways of getting a life too but I'm not going to turn down a girl who looks at me in a flirty way (no I'm not as popular as Geronimo but it could happen! LOL).

Mail order Bride...talk about going off the deep end!

[flowmom]

Like today, I went to lunch with the guys on my team but was mostly quiet and listening to them talking about the games etc. Then after a meeting I talked to this new girl at work on the way back to my office- I just struck up a conversation with her and it went fine. Now what? lol

Good

Now try:
hiking group
yoga class
single parents' group
dance class (salsa? swing?)
jazz club with friends

I'm suggesting the above because those are things that I'd like to do or have done . So maybe some newly single people who are local to you are doing the same?

A cooking class could be fun for you too, and practical.

[alice444]

[quote=StupidRomeo]Like today, I went to lunch with the guys on my team but was mostly quiet and listening to them talking about the games etc. Then after a meeting I talked to this new girl at work on the way back to my office- I just struck up a conversation with her and it went fine. Now what? lol

LOVE the cooking class idea. Go do it and report back.

Now what? you ask? Ah, I do have practice being the shy person who forces her way into the social network. Here are some ideas:

- become the center of something so you either have no excuse not to go or people seek you out. E.g., I volunteered to coordinate our monthly mom's night out in my mom's group so I have to go and people look to me to organize. Now I love it! For you, what about starting a weekly lotto ticket buying pool? You collect money from the guys at work, buy however many tickets it buys and then split the proceeds. Every week people will stop by your cube to bring you a buck- or you have to make the rounds- and it's a chance to practice small talk for a few minutes. They will also think you're very cool for initiating this.

What about organizing an offsite or suggesting to your boss something like laser tag or paint ball as a "team building" exercise some Friday afternoon?

Or what about the monthly poker/game night I mentioned to you? Guys only, if the couples thing is too weird. Eat manly food and smoke cigars. OR, if they have trouble getting time away from the family, win over their wives in the process by organizing a dads and kids outing- to the beach, a park, the zoo, anywhere. The kids run around and you guys watch them from a bench, talking about masculine things . If you're really on the ball and these wives are friends, you men arrange for the ladies to go get a massage or pedicures or something while you guys are gone. THEN, you know what? The wives will like YOU, Romeo, and the fact that you helped give them a weekend day off, and THEN broach the monthly poker/game night and they'll be more inclined to let the dudes out for a night . Whaddya think?

You have a bike- are there any local motorcycle clubs around? C'mon, you must have some interests! Name some for us- ones that have absolutely zero to do with STBXW (per my email) in any shape or form.

[flowmom]

GREAT suggestions Alice! No excuses HotRomeo! I'll bet that people in your life would be very impressed to see 180s in that area. And it will give you part of the boost that you need.