Flow - 4 months of dimness for you? That's long...I guess you are just matching your H's behavior, still must be really hard. The problem with my H is that he wants to be my best friend and business partner while leaving me to be with OW.
We're going through different kinds of hard . You're dealing with cake eating...but you also have a lot of evidence that your H still values many things about you, and doesn't want to let go of those things. I've been completely cut off, but I have the benefit of being left to detach and prepare for D in peace.
HB, as usual your writings are very moving, and they've given me food for thought.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
There ARE certain times when the LBS is guided into doing/saying things that are against what they've been raised with and it is for good reason, to help the MLC'er come forward.
HB I must agree with FM this is one of your better ones!
HB - thank you so much for you wonderful posts. So much information...so much "food for thought". I learn something every time
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I have seen people's intuition actually strengthened through this trial, becoming a greater strength than it was BEFORE the trial commenced.
You have no idea how true that is in my case...Intuition, gut feeling, voice inside...whatever it is...I've allowed myself to listen to it and use it to guide me. It's actually quite amazing. I guess I'm much more "in tune" with myself now then I ever was.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
M&H - thank you for your post. I know that he tells OW private things from our life together, things that were just between us that I/we didn't share with anyone and he knows that very well...that he is betraying that trust really hurts...I know because then OW goes and tells her H and then he tells me what was said. Or when he wanted to R I told him something about OW's H and immediately he shared that with her and she brought it up with her H and of course her H told me about it.
Unfortunately I can't tell him anything that I don't want OW to know. He is just not trustworthy on any level right now
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
It hurts, doesn't it. Does your H have a goatee now? JK - Star Trek reference... the evil double from the other dimension always has a goatee - probably doubly funny for those women who's H's DID grow a goatee. My H has one with a chin strap, so not sure if that counts.
Honestly, having had a BF in HS & college that was a drug addict, I can tell you that the sweet, funny, smart, caring, very loving man that I knew was totally and utterly different when on drugs. He lied, cheated, stole, used people, lied some more, just to get his fix, or money for a fix. He'd do anything - literally.
Yet, that was not the person he was, it was the drug doing it. It's like they say if you are starving enough, you'd eat your own dog. (sorry for the imagery, everyone) They're desperate for their next fix. They have to escalate the high each time because it's not enough, they need more and more. In the case of OW addiction, I truly believe that they start off by sharing personal information with the OP and that brings a connection/bond, and on some level, they know that the sharing they did brought them that high (in the form of PEA chemicals) - so as the "drug" loses it's effect, they have to do MORE and MORE and MORE to continue to get that same high.
My BF did heroin. He started off small, snorting it, then it got so the snorting wasn't quick enough, so he shot it. Then he'd need a bigger dose, and then a bigger dose, just to get the same effect.
I hope this is making sense... it makes total sense to me. In the case of OW addiction, sharing personal information is the "currency" they're using to buy the PEA drug, and that high gets more and more expensive because the high they're seeking gets harder to obtain as time wears on, the body acclimates to the PEA, real life and worries interfere with the high, maybe they're starting to realize that there's something wrong with (oh, gasp!) THEM, and not so much YOU. Basically, the A loses some of it's luster, and now they need to spend more "currency" - the personal information - to get that high.
I hope depersonalizing it helps. It's the same thing as my ex BF stealing and selling his grandmother's ring to buy heroin... it didn't belong to him, but it got him what he needed, his fix. In the case of your H, that information doesn't belong to him, but he steals it to get his fix.
I think that part of it may be the "them against the world" mindset. Two star crossed lovers who are not "free" to be together and who bond by exchanging information about the people in the "world" who do not "get" their love. Also, it is natural for people in a relationship to share information.
As a general point though, the less "drama" they are given to report the better. Sharing negativity about the LBS may give them another bond so its best to cut the drama and give them nothing to talk about. Then boredom may start to set in....
I know from reading my H's emails that one time, that she was obsessed with me. It was all, "oh, you're my soul mate, you complete me," "W wants to be my friend on FB, what do I do?" "I've never felt this way before" "Is W's name also on the deeds to your houses?" "We're so perfect together, smoochy, smoochy" "So, W is a God nut now? She actually taught the children the ten commandments."
LOL - it was all me, me, me, I should have been flattered. LOLOL
I would not doubt that the OWs ALL give way too much space in their heads to us to occupy... which is fine with me. I sometimes can't even remember her name any more, it's getting that detached in my head from reality.
M&H - very good post...I totally agree with your analogy. The affair is like a drug....I have noticed the desperation of the withdrawal every time OW ends it (to many to count). WH is even having suicidal thoughts when they break up. He seems to have absolutely no control...the affair controls him.
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the A loses some of it's luster, and now they need to spend more "currency" - the personal information - to get that high
They have 36 years of our life together to go through and 20 years of hers with her H....does that mean that will make it last longer? LOL
kara - thanks for stopping by. I agree that they certainly have the "Us against the whole world" mentality. I try not to give him any drama to report on, but I'm sure she knows every detail of every conversation. The very private information that he is sharing, and I found out about, goes back 20 years...
There is nothing I can do about what he tells her and how much history he rewrites...so I shouldn't even think about it.
They are creating their own drama right now and eventually they will get tired of that as well and they will have to face each other for what they are...no more rose colored glasses.
M&H - I'm sure that OW is obsessed with me....I'm his wife and his business partner, we have a long history together and a daughter...I must be a threat to her. She is giving up so much for him...her husband & children, her reputation in her community, her cushy lifestyle...she will need to be reassured constantly that he is all hers.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Flow - I'm sorry...your situation is very hard....your H still seems to have lots of anger...mine is past that stage...very nice to me most of the time. He just want's to have it all....her & me.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, it doesn't matter what you share or not. I remember before I knew H was in an A, I still trusted him and took him out to eat to talk. He had told me he had "walls up" and was angry at me for a fight we had had... but insisted no A. I thought he had learned from past EA, and trusted him. Stupid, stupid me...
Anyway I had told him I was a moral, honest person and he laughed in my face. He said, what about when you were 15 (OK, 23 years ago, and 11 years before he met me) when you used to jump out of second floor windows to go to NYC on the bus to get high?
UM, OK... I said, are you crazy, I never did any such thing. Who on earth would jump out of a second floor window, they'd get their legs broken. And one time I went to NYC with a friend, but not in the middle of the night. I was a straight A student, are you insane.
He did the whole robot that just got wet thing... head jerking from side to side, "does not compute, does not compute" He looked so very confused, and said, "you didn't?" I just really thought he had lost his mind for a minute, but until that second, he really, really truly believed that I had done those things. No idea whatsoever where on earth he would have gotten that from...
Just an example, though. I'm sure some of the things you H tells OW are made up - depending on how far into the fog he is, he may actually believe it. My H truly, honestly believed that I did those things and I have no idea where he would have gotten such a crazy idea. Secondly, he exaggerates. Like my whole religion thing. I've always, always prayed and loved God, he knows this, nothing has changed in 12 years (until the last few weeks, which was way past when he said this to OW) - yet he told her I was becoming some sort of religious nut on the basis of me hanging the ten commandments on our kitchen wall and teaching the kids them.
Just some examples... of course, it's more fun when they "share" made up stuff because then you can sit back and laugh at the absurdity.
. You're dealing with cake eating...but you also have a lot of evidence that your H still values many things about you, and doesn't want to let go of those things. I've been completely cut off, but I have the benefit of being left to detach and prepare for D in peace.
