No, I know. I'm open to suggestions! Ok let's put WAHs behaviour this way: Normal in the lead up to my leaving Europe. Normal seeming communication during the 3 months apart. Comes back, bomb, goes to friends place for 3-4 weeks. Finally has 4 days alone-time and decides "I'm leaving you".
He coulda been nasty had I been there, but doubt it. He's not even *nasty* now.
I see. It is weird that he hasn't been rude and cruel at all. When you guys were separated for 3 months, was he asking about the baby? And when did he start getting with OW? In that separation time?
It's got to be the separation to explain why he wasn't nasty. (This is how it works in my mind!)
I do have to say that from Oct- Dec, my WH was somewhat interested in baby stuff: urged me to get the swine flu shot, helped me find a midwife, and got me water. (He had this thing where he just kept offering me water, I don't know.)
At the same time, he was hyper-critical and irritated with other baby things.
Then again, my WH was always rather critical and irritated. This is what I'm learning.
When we were separated for 3months, I thought he was connected enough; I mean as much as you can be from a distance and also during the first trimester which is more about organising midwives and hospitals and not much about "the baby" as such. I was pretty pooped at the time, and going to bed by 8.30pm, which is around the time WH and I had to Skype each other because of the time difference, and at that hour I was usually irritable and out-of-my-mind-exhausted, and he had always just arrived at work and was stressed about the day ahead. Not ideal!
One time I remember he was really reluctant to engage with the pregnancy - it was right at the height of his affair - where I had to almost beg him to fill out a birth class form. He was irriated about doing it, saying how busy he was - just overall reluctant. I thought he was overworked and having a tantrum. Anway he did fill it in and email it back to me. He copied, literally, word for word my wishes for the birth..! Not an original thought in there..!
lol!, your WH's water obsession is funny! Our WHs share the irritated/hyper-critical traits. Hey, can you recall the last thing he did to 'participate' in the pregnancy?
If WH is naturally rather critical and irritated by nature, it really sounds like having a baby is just another pressure for him. Does that sound right to you?
I can't believe I woke up and you're on here around the same time! Ha ha. Since I am sleeping so much and waking up so much, sometimes I'm not tired and I start to get hungry and I decide to get up and do something.
I'm sure I've read it before, but I guess I forgot. When did you learn about OW? And when did they start, or are you not sure?
Your WH just really loves this "busy" stuff.
Well, besides offering me water after the bomb (eyeroll), he was trying to help me find a pediatrician. He was talking to friends at work to get their recommendations. That was the last thing he did when we were together. I never got a name, but it's all right. I got one on my own.
I agree with your last line, yes.
I have to say this, too, guys. My MIL always tells me how fussy WH was as a baby. Colicky, cried all the time, etc. So I have gotten really worried that my baby will be the same way! Watching the documentary helped calm me down about it all. I don't want to look at her as a little WH. She is her own person.
K, now I have to decide if I'm actually going to eat something right now or just wait it out for a decent hour. . .
Okay, so for your next wake up... I learnt about OW when he dropped the bomb two days after arriving in the country (it was Dec 27 I think). The previous 24hrs he had become a nervous wreck and looked super depressed and stressed, then finally got me alone and said "Something has happened....", and I knew straight away it meant he had had an affair! He answered my questions: with who, do you love her (should never have asked that), etc.
My WH does love being "busy". Bet he's not busy when OW calls! One thing I have also learnt about WH is that he is a major catastrophiser about work, despite being sucessful. "How was your day, dear?". "Absolutely dreadful!", "It couldn't get worse"(eyeroll). He works in a precarious industry.I guess it job insecurity gets to you after a while.
Okay, so what happened post the pediatrician recommendation? You went to SIL's and that was kinda it? (sorry to get you to repeat - feel free to tell me to stop being lazy and go back and reread what you posted way back!).
Your little gal is more likely to take after you - my theory, the more distressing the pregnancy, the calmer the baby. Hey, the idea works for me!
I wanted to say I like the Office too, but we have the English one here, though I noticed they've started showing the American version too.
Gatsby, I see why you haven't gained too much weight if you have the willpower to wait to satisfy your hunger!Willpower while pregnant? Damn you are strong! lol!
Quote:
I don't want to look at her as a little WH. She is her own person.
Gatsby you are so wise! I remember being surprised at the realization that S was his own person...I mean he looks exactly like WH (hey- maybe that's why I cry around S! lol!) but he really doesn't act like either of us yet. And I remember thinking that it doesn't really matter that he is my "blood" child because if he was adopted, he would still be his own little person and I would love him just as much!
Oh and I am curious if all of your babies will look like your WH- I read somewhere that the babies tend to look like their dads during the several months to 1)assure the dads they are the father and 2)encourage the dads to stick around/bond...sheesh I need to cite my sources so y'all don't think I make this stuff up! But the weird thing is that in my baby play group, there are 5 other babies and THEY ALL look like their dads!Now one mom's second child really looks like her, so I don't know what to make of that...but it will be interesting to see if your babies look like your Hs!
Quote:
Your little gal is more likely to take after you - my theory, the more distressing the pregnancy, the calmer the baby. Hey, the idea works for me!
I went through what you ladies are going through and S is pretty mellow! Piano I think you are right!
Also- I LOVE the British Office!!! I watched it way before the American Office and although I really really like Steve Carrell, Ricky Gervais' version of the boss just makes you love to hate him! But what is cool is that Steve Carell's "Michael" is his own person in comparison, with some similar characterisics.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
The Office first. WH and I watched the whole British series. I definitely thought it was funny but I remember being so offended by Ricky's friend-- you know that friend, the womanizer? He was such a jerk!! The American jerk was much softer for me. Ok, just had to say that.
Major catastrophiser. .. I'd have to say my WH was as well. Not in a depressed way exactly, but in a very anxious way. (I even had a dream last night that he got fired, so I guess I have some of the anxieties too. . . )
God, aren't you glad we're so far away from Dec 27? Just hearing about it is awful.
About the pediatrician rec, we were probably talking about that in Dec. All this stuff happened in Jan. So there was some time. See, I didn't make WH do anything. I didn't ask for anything. I was going into this prepared to do everything already. Seriously. That's how. . . picky and irritable WH is. And how invisible I try to be. I was going to try to balance placating him with taking care of the baby. That's why I have some relief now. I know that if he and I get back together or my next H, I need to feel like I can ask for things. And know that I have a true partner in responsibility and not try to do everything myself.
I'm so glad to hear, NM, that S is mellow! I will also now subscribe to the theory of the more stressful pregnancy.
And I have heard about the baby-looking-like-father theory. In fact, I think I noticed it myself, too. First babies typically look like their dads. Seconds like moms. That's what I seem to have noticed. And it seems evolutionarily spot-on.
Oh, and P, no worries about repeating. It is tricky to keep our sitches straight, especially when we keep learning about each other.
Nov- H depressed Dec- H suicidal, talks to me about not being with me but I must have denied it because I didn't acknowledge it Jan 14- H starts therapy. 6 days later, tells me he can't do this. Jan 20- I move to SIL. (In the days in between, I tried to stay at our apartment and . . . I don't know, make it work, I guess. But he was not coming home 'till 2 or 3 and not responding to texts and it was getting to be too stressful. It was his birthday on the 19th and not being with me hurt too much.) Jan 27 ish- We meet, I tell him off "coward" "f-you" etc Feb 4 ish- We meet, I ask if this is sep or divorce. He rolls his eyes and says he GUESSES sep. Feb 5- I'm getting confused to my own story. At some point here I found out he made out with work chick and so I started finding my own apartment. Feb 10 ish- We have one session of marital counseling. He goes so we can 'communicate' (his family was pushing like crazy for him to just do MC) and the therapist tells us that it's not the time for us to MC Feb 19- I packed up my stuff at our apartment with a TON of friends and moved to my own place
And then dim. He wanted money from me, I said no, he got pissed, time passed, I wrote up contract, and now we're here. (Oh yeah and I called him to start D and then changed my mind mostly because of P!)
You are seriously right on track, Gatsby- you haven't had to put up with your H going back and forth, stringing you along, pulling you into his drama...you have been separate from his nonsense and just focusing on yourself and the baby (and offering input to us here on DB! Thanks!).
At some point, it probably will be a good idea to spend time with your H (like after the baby is born) to allow for some reattaching to take place. Hopefully this will take place because he wants to see your D! I keep reading that NC+separation usually leads to divorce.
If you aren't afraid of divorce then I guess that part doesn't matter. Where did you get your chutzpah?
About dreams- yeah last night I had one where I went to WH's apartment with S. He told me the paperwork for the D was in the cabinet and told me to look at them and sign them while he took S somewhere. He left with S, I opened the cabinet and the papers were just in a messy pile all over the place. I realized that he didn't want to be there when I signed them and he didn't want to face his decision. Then I woke up! ???Does that sound like an ending to the stories you correct from your middle school students?lol!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
That's a weird dream, NM! Shows what's on our minds. . .
Yeah, I know I need to spend time with him. I'm. . . interested in it, but if he's not, then I'm not going to push it. Here's how I expect things to go after the baby is born: he sees the baby hopefully once a week or more with his family and gets used to the baby. They leave. I hope he reaches out, but it will probably be me reaching out to say that he can actually come over to my place and see me to see her. We'll hopefully get there around Aug-Sep. We'll see what happens after that!
I was even imagining just right now when I was out on my walk that he could come over to my place, get the jogging stroller, take her out, and then bring her back to my place. That kind of thing to get us started.
This all depends on him becoming attached to her! I think it will happen, but there's a chance he'll keep escaping.
K, off to get a carseat! (Well, I'll check your threads first, ha.)
So, NM, I really thought about your comment all day. (About needing to see H.) I do enjoy avoiding him, but I need to get ready for contact. Not feeling reckless at all about this, just so you know, but I am just thinking about sending an email to get the 'birth plan' in place. I don't want to send it right away. I want to wait at least a week to see if he contacts me first about the birth. But here's the draft I have:
Hi WH, The baby’s arrival is only 4 weeks away or so. I wanted to talk a bit about your role at this time. I think you know already, I don’t want you in the birthing room. It’s okay with me if you’re at the hospital. That’s completely up to you.
One thing that is important to me is that you see her within the first few days. It’s not necessary to see me.
I’d like for you to be involved with her first few months, maybe weekly, if you would like. I think it’s important for her to have time with you for an hour or so. She won’t do much but sleep, really. I’ve already told your family that they can take her to you. SIL and I also talked about you coming to my apartment because she’s concerned about the driving time. The baby needs to be with me every two hours, so a drive out to SIL's town would really kill your time with her. I’m okay with that, as well, and will probably leave the apartment when/if you come over.
Last, (and here's a paragraph about her name where I tell him she'll have my maiden last name. She and I, I said, will share a last name no matter who I'm married to.)
I am always available by email for any questions you may have.
So, let me know what you guys think! Like I said, I won't send this for at least a week so there's no rush.
Also, about my name, I can either pay to change my name back while I stay married (for about $250) or I can wait for it to be written into the divorce contract. Not sure what will happen, of course, but one way or another, I will make my last name match hers within the year. If WH and I get back together, we will either have different last names, or he can change his name to ours! Same goes for a different future H of mine.
