How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[beingreal]

Did you move back home yet? I feel bad that your heart is breaking right now. I'm in almost the same sitch (no OW, but a H who seems to have lost his mind & hates me, not paying a lot of attention to his kids, same story...). My heart aches for the man I married, I can barely look at the pod person who has replaced my H.

The people here really know what they are talking about--listen to them! The only thing I can really say is to lose yourself in the links that you were given. Get the DR book, or the Laura Munson book "This Is Not The Story You Think It Is". A link to her column about the same thing is here

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html

Honestly, get busy reading. You will see yourself & H in so much of it that it will feel like someone wrote it about you. You'll at least have some idea of what you are dealing with.

My heart still hurts & I wish that H would just snap out of it. But he's not going to and nothing I do is going to make it go faster, if at all. Now is the time to focus on you.

It's not easy, but you'll do it. Forget one day at a time, I'm fighting for every hour.

(((hugs))) to you, and can you give us a bit of an update as to where you are & what else has transpired?

Much love...

[RLay1100]

I am reading and trying hard to follow the advice given to me here. Some days I am MOSTLY okay (there are moments when I am triggered into thinking about H and/or my sitch). I do make plans to go out with friends at least once a week, I do journal about my feelings, I don't contact my H (even when the desire to talk to him is eating me alive), I don't try to convince him he is wrong or make him feel guilty... ::sigh::

Today is just a bad day. I keep breaking down and crying. I MISS him sooo much. I noticed earlier he has deleted and blocked me from all his public social net pages. That really bothers me because he is shutting me out of his life completely. WHYYY?!! What have I done to him to deserve this? (I'm sorry...just venting.) :-(

[kara]

(((RL)))

Sorry to hear that you are having a rough day. It does settle down into a more even keel over time but those days will pop up!

We control so much of our own happiness, though. I know the temptation to check his soial networking pages must be very strong but does it really help you? All it shows is something that he has done NOW based on how he feels NOW which may be reversed in time. And if seeing these things gets you in a head spin, maybe its not worth it. We can't control how anyone will react or hurt us but we can certainly control how much we hurt ourselves.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow, RL.

Kara

[RLay1100]

I am so thankful for the responses I am getting. I feel so alone in this until I come to this forum and read:-)

I just don't understand why my H HATES me so much and wants to hurt me. I continue to be nice to him, but he continues to push me away and is mean. I wish there was something I could do to soften his heart to me.

[job]

Detach a bit more....one of the things that the MLCer can't stand is for us to continue being nice to them when they are being such brats. They attempt to push our buttons one minute, hoping to get us to react and then later they are nice. It's a dance of patience. Continue to be nice and pleasant to him. Eventually the fire of anger will burn out.

You may never know or understand why he is hates you. Why? Because he really doesn't know himself. He most likely hates himself right about now and is projecting on to you. I know it's tough not to hurt from this stuff, but you will need to find a way to allow it to roll off your back.

Dig deeper for more patience.

[RLay1100]

I am trying to dig deeper for patience, Snodderly. ::sigh:: Thank you so much for your advice.

Is there anything else I should be doing right now? All I am doing currently is minimal contact (brief general conversation when we meet for the kids, nothing else), and I am nice no matter what. I feel like he is pulling further away from me and I'm just letting him slip away. He doesn't seem to miss me, or care about me and what's going on in my life... Is it over?

[Cadet]

Is it over?

Its only over when the fat lady sings! Keep DB'ing. Work on you. Be the best MOM you can be! Stop worrying about WH. Worry about you and your kids!

Read the resources, books, anything else you can find.

Knowledge is power!

[RLay1100]

I guess it's just driving me crazy wondering if what my husband is doing is just part of the MLC, or is it just the behaviors of a man who is DONE with me. Is all this because I'm just that bad/not good enough for him anymore? Is there any way to turn this around?

I know I sound so desperate. ::sigh:: I had been doing pretty well until this weekend. I'm just wanting him and my family back so bad. It's been over a month, and he's still so cold, distant, even mean to me still. Why does he keep pursuing these other women when I am right here, loving him? ugh...again...I just don't understand.

[Truegritter]

Rlay

I'm just wanting him and my family back so bad.

I can totally undertstand this. Do what snodderly says and detach more. I promise it will get better.

It's ok to feel this way but you can't do it for long. It will kill you.

Keep listening to people here this is what you need to do.

[RLay1100]

I am in tears right now. I just had to send my youngest two back to their dad (they lives with him through the week, I get them on the weekends). My 9 YO always takes a fit and cries and clings and begs me to stay with me. I wish it were possible, but right now I don't have a place, I have little money to work with right now. ugh

We hurt so much, yet he couldn't care less. While we sit and cry and live with so much pain, he pursues other women, rants at me, and blames me for everything. Why is this so easy for him to throw me and our family away?