I would love some advice from people on this sex forum, as that's my husband's #1 complaint. ...
To the HD H's on here who have felt rejected by their wives-- at the point where you felt like your wife would never change, was there anything (and what was it) that she could've done to prove you wrong? In addition to frequency issues, was it that you wanted her to WANT sex as much as you did, i.e., her just having it and participating with a good attitude when you wanted to - and even maybe enjoying herself - wasn't enough- that you needed her to feel that same WANT that you did? In my case, I show my love many other ways besides sex, but it seems they don't count when the sex isn't as frequent as he wants- do you notice those other ways your wives show love, or do those things not matter at all to you if the sex isn't there?
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thanks so much--
Jaime
Well... this is my first post.
Reading this makes me cry. We've been married for 15+ years with a daughter, age 7. I feel extremely committed but I'll be in your husband's state in weeks. I'm so sick of being rejected and not feeling wanted at all. I've said as much explicitly for a couple of years. I don't know how to get through. Understanding your situation more I thought might help in my case, but I can't follow the link you set up to "My Story" - it results in access denied.
She honestly seems to be into making things work (showing love), however, this means she does what she thinks I need, not what I think I need. On the other hand she absolutely refuses to tell me or give me hints as to what helps her feel loved. As a result, I do everything I can think of, yet I'm sure I'm not doing the *right* things. She hates to talk about our relationship, so we don't. We've seen a marriage counselor for a year, but it doesn't seem to help. She's agreed to try a new one, but won't follow up and seemingly has no desire to work on our marriage through any research/activity at all.
I've read through Love Languages so I get the idea we show and need in different ways. Her languages seem to be affirmation and acts of service. Mine are physical and quality time. I can tell her efforts towards me are focused on cooking more often (acts of service), and sitting on the other side of our sectional couch to be near me at night (quality time). The cooking is great, I love it and I've always been very thankful for it. However the quality time is different, she doesn't hesitate to remind me she's only near me cause I want her to be. She'd rather be reading her New Yorker... why she can't do both makes no sense to me.
She will not initiate sex at all, and it's been this way for years. At least she used to tell me to meet her upstairs, but that's the furthest extent of it, and even that hasn't happened in the last three years. Kissing/making out is non-existent over that time. We haven't kissed for more than three seconds and it pretty much feels like she's trying to get away.
Originally Posted By: alice444
I'm confused about how to work on this one w/out sex and also w/out doing things Michele recommends against like going out of my way to do little things for him, etc.- that's pursuing, right? How do I show him he's a priority without giving off "I'm trying desperately to win you back" vibes and if I can't give him sex? Any tips? He gives off strong vibes that kissing or hugging him isn't welcome at this time. Would it help a little bit to open the door if I did something non-threatening like touching his arm once in awhile?
I appreciate the actions you mention: hugging, kissing, touching an arm. I'd perceive any of that as a positive response. It would mean the world to me. The complete lack of pursuit is killing me emotionally, the effect is I want to reject her entirely. I just can't continue this way.
In the end I *think* I just want to feel wanted. Maybe it's just me. I worry some that I've been a doormat, but I don't think she perceives things that way.
