still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

Hi Piano! Thanks for visiting! Gosh, if you had known me from October when I started posting, I was Miss PMA! Always positive, able to get back on the horse, find the silver lining, etc etc. And I did it by exactly what you suggest!

So today I cried during the time I was feeding S his breakfast. Then he took a nap/ I got ready for the day. When he woke up we went to sign up for my cake decorating class. I bawled all the way to the place. Then we went to look for a new bedspread and matching bedside lamps. They didn't have the lamps and none of the bedspreads matched what I wanted. We returned, I fed him lunch, then I started crying again.

I took S on a walk to some neighborhood garage sales and found some books for my classroom, and an umbrella stroller for S. We returned, I gave him a snack, and then I got dressed up as if I were going to a BBQ (that I was going to go to but then changed my mind-long story). WH texted to say he was arriving 10 minutes early. He got here, asked "how are you doing?" I pretended I didn't hear him and made some comment about S. (we were playing in the front room). I filled him on some necessary details about S and then said "see you tomorrow!" Ha. As soon as he left, I BAWLED MY EYES OUT!

Then I talked to a friend on the phone-not about my feelings but about her life so I could get my mind off of it. She asked how I was doing because she said she noticed that lately I have not sounded like "myself." Damn it- any discussion of how I am feeling makes me want to cry! ARRRGH! So I tell her that I am sooo sad and depressed but at the same time trying to put things in place for my future so that I am not "stuck." Am GALing, working out, blah blah blah- so why the tears? She said maybe this is a release because she never hears me complain about my sitch. She said maybe it is because I am letting go of WH. Maybe.

After that I cleaned out the pantry, cleaned up the house, got some low cal beer (believe it or not, I have not been drinking much and you would think that if I am depressed, I would be!). Then I talked to another friend about their life (it helps me to feel better to hear about others!!) and got on to DB. Next I will work out, watch a corny movie while doing so (Love Happens) and then tackle the clothes in my room and closet. And dust. I hate dusting but it is necessary every 3 months!

And I reserve the right to sometimes, once in awhile, feel sorry for myself, HATE WH's GUTS!!!!!, and NOT GAL! lol! I KNOW what to do to get out of depression. But sometimes it is ok to just marinate in sadness to get through the rain!

Oh and I haven't cried in 4 hours!