G, do you have updates on how your H is going? If he's still in therapy? I know you told your IL's (I think this is right..) that you didn't want to hear about him unless he was dead. Is SIL still passing on bits and peices?
I actually think if you don't know that's kind of great.. DBing is not meant to be about worrying about THEM (second guessing, etc).
He is still in therapy, I'm pretty sure. I believe that because he told his sister that he should have gone to therapy a long time ago. (Agreed!) He told her then he has never missed a session.
As I mentioned before, I credit the therapist to helping him with getting the baby a gift, getting me a mother's day gift, and this idea for us hanging out as a family. I hope they're delving into more serious stuff, though!
I am so happy not hearing about him. Even just hearing that tid bit from his sister about "am i ready to see him?" really threw me off.
I like it (not worrying about HIM-- much), but it's still just really hard keeping a positive mindset.
Since I wonder how similar our WH's are, P, I'm going to try to describe mine here in some bullets. Tell me what is like your WAH! And of course BD and NM, too.
(For organization's sake, it's going to go from traits I didn't like and didn't mesh with to ones I liked and worked well with.)
+ Easily is the most popular guy and the 'life of the party' + Spent money frequently, although he tried to be moderate + Often talked about his physical ailments "tired" "exhausted" "sinuses" "neck" "back" + Irritable at times-- to the extreme! + Anxious about his social status, future + Insecure about his looks (no reason to be), his voice, things he said, what people thought + Read a lot of philosophy and could really hold his own in intellectual conversations (and can make people believe him when he really doesn't know what he's talking about! he just makes up stuff and speaks with confidence! ha ha!) + Cared a lot for people in need; almost never passed a homeless person without giving something + Loved the kids at my school (and they still know nothing about what happened because they love him) + Liked to go on walks, go to museums, travel, watch educational shows + Interested in being healthy: eating right, exercising + Extremely hard worker; worked his a** off in grad school to get the job he now has
With the good ones at the end, we basically matched each other. He didn't like how I was more of a wallflower than the life of the party, how I tried to be frugal with money (although he agreed; it was just an internal struggle for him); how i wouldn't 'take care' of him when he was sick (i was like-- you're FINE); and he also took out his insecurities on me. For example, if we went out and my coat had one pocket in and one out, he would try to fix it. My hair, whatever. Because I was a reflection on him and he was insecure.
It kinda sounds like I'm dissing him, but really I'm acknowledging what I've always known and have dismissed. It's very important that in future relationships, I pay attention to these types of things.
All right, guys, let's see how similar these WAHs are!
+ Loved the kids at my school (and they still know nothing about what happened because they love him) + Liked to go on walks, go to museums, travel, watch educational shows + Interested in being healthy: eating right, exercising + Extremely hard worker; worked his a** off in grad school to get the job he now has + Anxious about his social status, future
My WH had thse things in common with your H! Not the rest though. I am guessing about my H's concern re: his social status though!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
+ Easily is the most popular guy and the 'life of the party' + Often talked about his physical ailments. BUT NEVER BEFORE 1.5 YEARS AGO, WHICH IS WHEN HE HAD A MUTIPLE SCLEROSIS SCARE + Read a lot of philosophy and could really hold his own in intellectual conversations + Extremely hard worker; worked his a** off in grad school to get the job he now has
^ Similarities with my H.
I would add that my H is:
- not a health freak (smokes, bad diet except when with me, etc), but physically impressive (back country skier, climber, etc).
- Very unselfconscious. Couldn't give a rats what he or I are wearing, saying etc.
- Worries about money cos came from poor background, but not tight.
- Couldn't spend time alone.
- Not a natural on the domestic front but a great spontaneous cook
- very positive, chirpy person, although quite bitchy about others
So, P, they thought he had MS but he didn't? And then after that he was a bit paranoid about certain symptoms?
I figured yours was the life of the party and an intellectual.
Not spending time alone. . . that's a big one!
And NM, I'm glad that our WHs shared the 'good' traits. If I marry someone else, I really need him to have those last 3 traits! And I really need him to be UNselfconscious. Heck yeah.
He had a serious-ish symptom of MS which dragged on for months. Currently he is OK and back to normal, but has 60% chance of developing fullblown MS in the next few years. Weighs on his mind of course, and was a huge blow/stress to both of us. I think it is bound up in his current crisis for sure.
The 'alone' thing always worried me... Clearly avoided processing things, looking/listening inside... Always chasing company but didn't come across as neediness, rather gregariousness.
When he made the decision about "us" (ie that it was over), he made it during the first 4 days he had, I think, EVER, in the 15yrs I have known him, spent truly alone.
Piano, facing a debilitating disease is a lot like facing death! Gee your WAH is/was ripe for an MLC-- they say that something like that triggers childhood issues and results in an MLC right? (his childhood issues being his father abandoned him...?)
Not that it is any comfort that your WAH is in an MLC. But MLCs end, right?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
(I just wanted to add that maybe if he had a job you'd see the car and money stuff!) But I don't know.
He wasn't nasty in the lead-up? He was in France, though, right? Then 4 days of alone time (that's so interesting what you noticed) and then just "it's over"? If you guys had been in close contact at that time, he *could* have been nasty!
Not trying to convince you he's MLC. You probably know best!
