2 weeks left to DB

[Piano]

Okay, I suck at quoting.

I was going to say that in the quote above, your expectations are clear. You'd like enthusiasm and more offers to help. I think that's when things started going sour.

H is gone. (The spaceship analogy, right?) Maybe H would have done those things, but now WAH is here. He is "limited" and will do very little. Period!

(I know you know this already, but I just had to say it again.)

You may suck at quoting G, but you are spot on with your advice! Thanks for repeating what I need to hear...maybe it will sink in one day?

I noticed in the last few weeks I started to call WAH just plain and simple "H" in my posts... a Freudian slip I think... It's like I have lulled myself into thinking H was still H, rather than an ALIEN rocketting through the sky with OW!!


So:

no expectations
treat him like the neighbour who got me pregnant
he is no longer my H

[Piano]

Focus on you! Who cares about the past few months... start all over today! this very minute! Do it for you! I know I mentally put the baby's due date as my deadline, and recently realized it is silly to do so. Hope we will be so involved with our baby's that we dont have a single minute to spare thinking or crying over our Hs.

Dont give up now... you were doing so good!!!

Your cheerleading is really helping BD! Thankyou I really relate to what you are saying.. it's as though I have come to the end of one road, and now there is a chance to turn down another path.

I have said everything I can say to WAH (I will stop referring him to H from now on) & my focus now will really shift.

Going to check your sitch out now.. it gives me a lot of joy reading the progress going on there. Hugs and thanks.

[gatsby11]

Yeah, time. And yeah, once a year sounds about right. What does his mom think about this? Would she come to visit her grandbaby? Does he have relatives who would pay for him to go to Australia more often? How long is BIL staying-- is he thinking about moving to Australia?

If that's true about WH's motive for seeing the baby. . . I just hope that seeing his first and only child would do SOMEthing to him.

It's really really hard that he wants to and can easily move so far away. Really hard.

He might want to Skype to see the baby. I hope he does.

The bottom line is that if he wants to "come back," nothing will stop him. And if he doesn't, same thing. I really hope that he gives three months to the baby to really bond. Maybe with his brother being there, it will help.

[gatsby11]

I have to add that I saw "Babies" the documentary this weekend. It was so great. I recommend it to all of us (I don't stop with the pop culture references, huh?). But really, it made me much more excited about the baby. And much more confident that babies with all different sorts of situations can turn out great! (With the African baby, no men were seen on film. Ever.)

[Piano]

hi! Who is the Babies docu by, G?

I think his mum and lotsa people think WAH seeing child once a year is better than nothing, and that I should enable that.

I also hope he will stay the rest of the year at least to bond significantly (and without OW showing up here!!).

Skype has come up a few times (my coach suggested it to him) but I think it is a lousy substitute for holding a baby in your arms. And can you imagine, me having to sit there with her in front of the 'pute?

BIL here for uncertain amount of time. Depends on jobs. Maybe another month or two, hopefully till the end of the year though.

My wish is to hide everyone's passports so they all have to stay!

[newmama]

He just needs to see the baby so he can say I Am Not Like My Dad and so that important people back in Europe get the impression that he was 'responsible' in the way he left us (we 'separated', not he abandonnned us) and did the 'right' thing by me and didn't run away (even thouigh he has & I've hardly seen him). Thank God BIL has been here and seen the truth of things first hand.

OK so maybe for himself he can say he is not like his dad if he sees the baby. But seriously- are Europeans THAT different from Americans or Australians where they will think a man is responsible because he chose to separate from his PREGNANT WIFE and how is he not running away from you when he will leave right after the baby is born? Ummmm...no....people see right through that! I have an example I will share later.

I have said everything I can say to WAH (I will stop referring him to H from now on) & my focus now will really shift.

exactly the reason why I say WH and not H- wayward (cheater!!!!) husband

The bottom line is that if he wants to "come back," nothing will stop him. And if he doesn't, same thing. I really hope that he gives three months to the baby to really bond. Maybe with his brother being there, it will help.

I agree. But just because he doesn't come back right away doesn't mean he won't ever come back. I just was looking at a q I posted back in November in the piecing forum where I asked if the walkaway spouses showed signs they wanted to return before they actually did. A couple of people said it took 18 mo-2years for their spouses to realize their A was a load of crap. And I just read another one where they divorced- her exH cheated on her with an old girlfriend of his- and he broke up with the OW after 2 years.


OK now about the bonding- don't forget what I found out- remember how the motivation for me to let my WH come to the house and see S so often was because I wanted S to bond with his dad and vice versa? Well I also found out (from reading and from living it) that the baby only cares about eating and sleeping and being loved from momma the first 3 months! Have you seen that yet? SO after 3 months of life, the baby can still bond to dad. Isn't it the first 3 years of life where bonding with parents is most essential?

[newmama]

Hey Gatsby- have you learned how to quote yet? switch to full reply screen, highlight the text and then choose the " button at the top!
Sorry if you know this already!

OK well here is the story I was going to share: just found out that a friend of mine got his girlfriend pregnant when he was 19. He wanted to break up with her but still be in his son's life.She wanted nothing to do with him (so he says). So he walked away but still paid child support. NOW do you really think people are buying the story that there was nothing he could do to see his son? (gosh that sounds judgmental but I have a huge bias about dads who abandon their kids and non committal deadbeat dads!)

My point is that even though this is a good guy, people, myself included, think "yeah you were young but you left your son high and dry." Therefore, your WAH can spin whatever version he wants, and people will know that he did the wrong and selfish thing.

[Piano]

But seriously- are Europeans THAT different from Americans or Australians where they will think a man is responsible because he chose to separate from his PREGNANT WIFE and how is he not running away from you when he will leave right after the baby is born?

Haha! welll.. the French, in general, are very family-oriented but I don't think I am saying anything new to add that they are also at the same time not so 'outraged' by affairs..(the scandal around Bill Clinton wouldn't have even registered in France if it were their president..well, actually, that's not so true of current-day France which IS rapidly changing and becoming more conservative, including changing ideas about private/public, etc... but I am getting off track here...).

But let's say, very generally speaking (and I stress the very 'generally') they are not considered so easily "shocked" as Americans (and Aussies) by things like infidelity. Our cultures are more puritan, theirs more...latin!

But you are right, no one will think it is GOOD, but most of them will just accept the new world order: that is, ME + BUB in Australia, WAH + OW in their midst. Ugh, makes me ill just thinking about it. Of course, I am still hankering for justice and will for a long time, I suppose.

I like "WH", btw. Maybe more apt than WAH? Cos WH implies H in A?

I love your examples of people who return after two years or so.. holy cow - that's a looooooong wait!

THANKYOU so much for reminding me about the ways/timescale of baby bonding. It will be a relief to not worry too much about WAH's process of bonding with bub in those first weeks/months, for baby's sake.

But for WAH's and my sake, I want him to bond like CRAZY, just like your WH did!

[gatsby11]

First, I always did WH just 'cause it was shorter. Hee hee!

Second, I went a long way to quote. I will definitely try your system, NM!

Third, I completely believe you, NM, about the bonding. I have to remember that with my sitch, too.

Fourth, still processing your sitch, P. Positive thought: it might be the same or even better if he goes overseas because 1) you can truly NC and move forward, 2) you will become mysterious to him, and 3) when he does visit, it can be really significant. It might make the timeframe seem so long BUT that's what many of us with non-overseas WHs are facing, too!

Okay, and last. BABIES is a documentary that just came out in the States last week. Not sure when it will open in Australia! It follows four infants for the first year of life. One from Namibia, one from Mongolia, one from Japan, and one from San Francisco. It's quite interesting.

[newmama]

Fourth, still processing your sitch, P. Positive thought: it might be the same or even better if he goes overseas because 1) you can truly NC and move forward, 2) you will become mysterious to him, and 3) when he does visit, it can be really significant. It might make the timeframe seem so long BUT that's what many of us with non-overseas WHs are facing, too!

I totally agree with Gatsby- and although I just REFUSED to see this when I was pregnant-it would make it a lot easier to detach and not worry about WH if I didn't have to see him! So, Piano, you will have some help with the baby. And you will be returning to work after 6 months, right? The help, the lack of contact, and work will all make it so much easier for time to go by and for you to heal from this trauma. I just know it!

Gatsby I can't wait to see Babies! I saw a preview for it on Nightline! I think next Thursday night I will go watch it!