Saf - would love to meet up. Do I need to bring some drugs and a friendly set of sturgeons for you both? Are there other Midlands DBers? Hope your long ride was a lot of fun.
I don't know if there are any others in the Midlands. There are some in London I know.....and Jac in Scotland.
I am between Milton Keynes and Northampton. How far away are you?
No drugs required.....I rattle as it is - lol
The ride was fantastic. I rode my D's pony today and he is great fun - he is a little chap who thinks he is much bigger than he is - he manages to keep up with the bigger horses quite well, and we had a great gallop and then popped some jumps - all of which I know would send my back surgeon in to apoplexy
Do you ride lees? if so you could come out for a ride - it's a great stress reliever - the rocking motion is meant to be very theraputic.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Excuse my bad typing - just sliced left ring finger whilst washing an empty food csn!
Maybe it is a sign - cut off the ring finger so as to never make same mistskes again!
I talk to her sMIL. I have no one else that has any insight into her world left. All other mutual contscts refused to discuss anything to do with our M/R/D. Her Dad just doesn't talk about that kind of stuff. I want to remain friends with him irrespective of my sitch with his daughter. He didn't want this to happen either, but I won't let him be my go-between.
She has always been v jealous of her younger brother, as she feels he has been seen as the prodigal child in terms of staying in farming and then becoming a vet. She feels very much that her Dad isn't proud of her because she chose finance after not doing too well at med school due to a relationship with a much older woman that no-one in her family approved of (quite rightly, it was one of her previous teachers, which makes me squirm a bit). She left with a science degree, and the family always blamed this relationship for her not doing as well as she could've done. She also believes this is the reason.
Her Dad is extremely proud of her, although has less understanding of the world of accountancy and auditing than he does of her brother's work. They both got exactly equal treatment from both parents by all accounts of family friends and sMIL. I think she still harbours resentment of her brother, particularly his closeness to his Dad.
Regarding the gay thing - it has always been don't ask, don't tell, although for the first time ever about 4 weeks after meeting me she went home and poured her heart out to her parents. She always said she was so glad that her Mum knew she was so unbelievably happy with me before she died a few months later. We all think her brother is gay too (including the sMIL) but he'll probably never come out for fear of hurting his father.
The relationship with the older woman was the only time she has ever been dumped - and that happened when she was about 20ish I think. Since then she's had these 3 yr cycles where she cheats her way out onto the next, except for the 8 months before we met where she just basically dated and had 6 week flings.
As has been previously said, she's addicted to the romance. Evidenced by the cycle of relationships and her need to be "like we were in the beginning" and "feel totally in love", "have butterflies" and the momentous kitchen moment of "I realised this isn't what I want for the next 30 yrs of my life." "I don't know who I am anymore." "I've recently realised what fun is again and how unhappy I've been lately" (obviously relating to spending time with the evil OW).
She currently obviously wants a new woman every time the last one gets boring because of having to deal with reality! I can't fix her, I doubt she'll ever go to counselling. Like Allen says she'll just have to find out the hard way at some point. Until then she'll keep running and never find herself.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
I just caught up on your post. I wanted first to say that I'm sorry that the world is such that you felt you had to hide your real identity here. Geez, this place is most likely the most gut-spilling place you would never want to be at--what's to hide?
You have been on quite the roller coaster. What an incredible journey. I can't add more than what others have said.
They all told me there was "another side" to this journey, and I am almost squinting open my eyes behind my hands to peek a bit around the corner, and see if that could possibly be true.
As you are finding yourself enjoying other company amidst the ups and downs, you can see and know that there is life after this process. I'm going on faith here! Enough people have reassured me that this is so.
Keep on keeping on, is all I can say. Each day has its steps, its moments, its low and higher points. Hopefully the higher points come more often.
Thanks for checking in Aver. Who knows what is around the corner? It can't be any worse than the lows we all reached before and since coming to this place, so must be better!
Hi Saffie, no I don't ride I'm afraid, except for once going pony trekking on a school trip. Glad you really enjoyed yourself though. I'm in Nottingham, so not far. The STBXW used to have to drive to Northampton regularly for work, only an hour or so away. Know what you mean about the surgeon having apoplexy, I remember sitting in an ortho clinic about my very damaged knee and cheerfully telling the consultant that I was doing the London Marathon in 2 months time. He was horrified! Never caused me any bother though - and I kept them all away from my knee, which still works OK despite having several major components totally wrecked.
I've had the horrid realisation today that perhaps the STBXW IS actually much happier without me in her life. I wish she'd got on and realised she was making a mistake before we got married rather than such a short time afterwards. Could've saved a lot of extra heartache, money and distress for everyone concerned, including her own family. Yes, it would've been a big pride thing to cancel the wedding, and also incredibly painful for everyone I'm sure, but a damn sight better than deciding to get divorced 6 months later.
On a brighter note I've just spent a morning walking someone else's dog in the local woods, sitting in coffee shop drinking endless cups of tea with friends and wandering home. Now to try and apply myself to the required work.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
Just found out that Muse tickets for Sept, which were booked by both of us together before the break up are actually due to come to me. She was desperate to see them and is going to miss out on seeing them at Glastonbury with me. I paid for them on my credit card, but our finances were rather more fluidly joint at that time although no joint account. Do I offer her 3 (half) of the tickets? It would be a great gesture of kindness, and one she would very much appreciate.
On the other hand, she wasn't even going to give me the money I paid for the renovation of her rental house ie kitchen, cooker, fridge, carpets etc.
So maybe not.
I am tempted.
Darn it.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
Just venting again! Maybe one day I will send something like this:
Dear WAW,
By the time this is done I will have spent five years of my time, effort and emotions with you in pursuit of what I perceived as our shared dreams of family, stability and happiness. I am very sorry that instead we seem to be left with nothing but memories clouded by hate, regret and sadness, and empty bank accounts. I nevertheless hope you are proud of what you have achieved during this time.
I married you in front of all our friends and family with true and honest intentions to be together forever, for better or worse whatever life might throw at us. I am not proud of my failings in our relationship. My defensiveness in arguments, my unwillingness to really listen to you when you were asking for help, and my inability to give you the support you needed during some very difficult times in our lives. I will live with the scars resulting from this for the rest of my life. I have addressed these problems to improve myself, in order that I might not make the same mistakes again. I am, however, proud of myself for standing by the vows I made throughout this time, even when no-one else, including yourself, had any hope. I will take the new improved me forwards into whatever the future holds with my head held high.
I no longer feel that we have any reason to be in contact, and I am not sure why you wish to persist in contacting me. You chose to live your life without me as your wife, and you also made any future friendship impossible when you showed me the utmost disrespect in deciding to sleep with OW, my friend and colleague. This required breaking your promises, deceit, and total lack of consideration of how your actions might impact on someone who you professed to care about deeply. It stabbed me to the core. You have hurt and shamed your family, my friends and myself with your behaviour. I suspect that you have also deeply wounded yourself. These are not the actions or characteristics of a person I would seek friendship with, let alone a marriage.
I have found happiness within myself and hope that one day you also might find this and live a healthy and fulfilling life.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
I find the pain skin patched really help.I have had surgery twice on L4/5 due to prolapse which compromised spinal coloumn.There is still a large fragment pressing on sciatic nerve so pain radiates down my leg into big toe. The discs below L4/5 are leaking so the nerves in both legs are causing alot of pain.It is also giving abdominal pain around the iliac nerve.In my neck c5/6 on my left side is prolapsed compromising nerve root and causing pain down arm into fingers.On the right side C6/7 is bulging. In Oct 04 was due to have spinal fusion in Oxford Nutfield but felt the risk outweighed the benfits.I take tramadol sr and wear the pain patches at max dose.I also take anti inflammories.The tablets have cause bowel probs.. I understand completely, it is a terrible space to be in. Have you tried skin pain patches?
Lees you will get through this..its the one certain thing.We will recover from and learn to live without our spouses if thats our destiny.You do the right thing in venting your feeling here. Your W has def had problems in her childhood and this is what drives her destructive behaviour.You have behaved like a lady, graceful and in control..she will regret this at some point. I am no longer living every moment waiting for my H to come home.I thought he would. She will see the errors of her way..its all down to timing. Hugs((()))ladies.
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
Ladies, all this medical speak makes me feel at home here! The fentanyl/buprenorphine patches are indeed fabulous things for chronic pain.
On a more serious note I do hope that you're both doing OK with your respective neck/back stuff at the moment.
I have an awful lot of questions about my WAW at the moment. Seems to come in phases, and I suspect some measure of it fuelled by her contact by text. I don't feel disturbed by it anymore, I think it just jostled things around in my head a bit and brought my sitch a bit further forwards in my priority list again temporarily.
My wife is a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, sexy, witty, caring, generous, fantastic person. The WAW is something quite different in the same body.
I wonder if she thinks about me at all, or is merely entirely consumed with thoughts of the ridiculous OW. I wonder if she feels any regret or remorse. I wonder if the turning up in person with the money and the text this week were evidence of her reaching out to me. I've no idea if she's still with the OW anymore, and I have no way of finding out. I wonder if she's sold her wedding dress/rings, and what she's done with our wedding photos. She still has some posted on facebook, but then she's also still married as relationship status on there as well. I wonder if she's replaced them all in the house with photos of her and OW. I wonder if they go running together. I wonder if WAW has suddenly become interested in shopping for italian designer leather goods and given up her lifelong obsession with football (too common for the OW). I wonder if she's been back to the solicitors to finalise the legal separation papers and pay the fees. It all happens without any intervention once those have been submitted to court. Just a case of waiting 2 yrs for it to become a dissolution.
How can anyone want children all their life, and then at the age of 32, when surely the biological clock begins to really hammer at you (it has with me anyway) suddenly decide it's never going to happen without trying?
I am desperate to have kids, and very conscious that I'm cutting it a bit fine with finding a new partner, spending enough time to be sure it's the right one, then getting married, and then trying to concieve. She was always in such a rush for the kids thing - it was always me slowing it down, saying no, lets have at least a bit of time for us alone, a year or so after the wedding before we start trying, time to save up etc. She was desperate to go first in terms of carrying a baby, and I would have our second child.
Will she ever regret it, and when will it be? How long must I entertain the option of reconciliation?
I know there are no answers to the above questions, but I still want to wrap up the universe in a ball and wring it out until all the answers are squeezed out one by one.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
Can someone please put a sledgehammer through my biological clock and break it up into itsy bitsy splinters I can use for kindling.
It is driving me mad constantly muffling it. Pushing me to go places too quickly. Making me want to jump into relationships when I'm not ready, be it with either STBXW or some other poor unsuspecting soul that will just get damaged by my emotional turmoil.
Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhh.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
Hi Ken, Thanks Allen. Maybe I will give it a go. Or do you think it is too late in my sitch? Shoud've been done in the beginning. Not after they've been living in fantasyland for 3 months.
I have been contemplating seeing a local solution based therapist in the last few days, now that my finances are more sorted I might be able to afford it. I wonder if inviting the WAW again in the 'pretence' of finding out exactly where my mistakes fell in the demise of our marriage for moving on purposes would do any good. She'd probably still say no I suppose, but maybe it would put a bit more pressure on their relationship if she were spending an hr a week with me too.
She's merely avoided the sMIL attempts to spell out the ridiculousness of her behaviour in the last few weeks, fobbed her off with no mention of any OW and merely "I shouldn't have got married." I suspect she knows what she has done is wrong, but feels it wasn't an affair as they allegedly didn't actually sleep together until 2 or 3 weeks after she asked me to leave because the R between us was over. I'd give anything to have her listen properly to someone explaining how damaging EAs are, and how easily they become PAs, and that the grass is NOT greener with a manipulative, serial predator with nothing in common with her.
If they moved in together that fast they aren't in control of themselves and its going to end badly... the more reality brought down on them the better...
I don't know if I would invest my finances in an attempt to reconcile. I would just rebuild myself into a better person and wait for the affair to die out...
These fantasy relationships don't work out.. They start on a lie and escape and they will end painfully and quickly. It may take a year for teh whole thing to fall apart, but it will fall apart.
Focus on yourself for now... don't pursue the affair, get OUT of it by building up you.
