How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[RLay1100]

The 19 year-old my husband has been having a PA with (since at least January 2010) is his own nephew's fiance! She just had his nephew's baby a year ago. My husband says (on his MySpace) that he LOVES her. In fact, he says she is the love of his life. Wow- he is VERY infatuated with her right now. He talks about how he took care of her baby all day and loved it, while I know our boys tell me he barely pays attention to them when they are home with him all week. :-( The way he words his messages seem so "teenager-ish". Weird.

I can't believe he is doing this. I mean, he is already hurting me and the kids, but once the relationship is revealed so many more of his loved ones will be hurt, disappointed. How in the world can their relationship work out and they live happily ever after?

My husband use to be all about family and being close to his parents and siblings, wife and kids. Now it's like he has lost all love and thought for those who love him the most, no morals...ugh. How can he do this to us?

:-(

[mermaid]

RLay

You need to take the focus off your h and put it on yourself. He is so alien to you right now that he is on the mother ship. You need to be both parents to your children. You need to spend the time with them that he is not. You need to do things for yourself. You need to stay healthy physically and mentally. Let your h twist in the wind. There is nothing you can do for him. There is nothing you can do about how many relationships he destroys with his family.

This won't be easy and it will take a long time for you h to come through this. He is on a journey and you are not invited. You must go on your own journey. Take this time to grow and work on yourself.

Come here as often as you need. There is a lot of amazing people with valuable insight.

[RLay1100]

I have not contacted my H in any way since last Sunday (05-02). When I came to pick up the kids Friday, I looked at him and smiled, but didn't even try to engage him in conversation. I did thank him for taking good care of the boys (as I always do), and walked away with the boys to my vehicle. So I am improving on showing desperate, clingy behavior toward him.

Yesterday (Sat. 05-08), he called me (first time he's done that in weeks) to see how I was doing. We discussed my teen son (not biologically his) and his disrespectful attitude toward me lately. H tried to give me advice on how to handle that, and I thanked him. H gave little hint of love or feelings of remorse toward me, but he was at least nice- progress, I think.


I am still so shocked and devastated by my husband's current behaviors. The PA has been the main focus of my thoughts ever since I found his secret MySpace account last Sunday. ::sigh::
The pain of his betrayal is overwhelming at times! I keep wondering if he means it when he says he LOVES her and she is the love of his life. How can he feel that way when I am the one who was with him for the last 11 years and gave him two beautiful children? ugh These thoughts nag at me a lot. :-(

I am TRYING to take the focus off my H and his craziness, though. I quit checking in on his secret MS page two days ago. I have been hanging out with friends more. I am going to join a gym on Monday and sign up for a few classes there. I am finally able to start actively looking for an apt. or house to rent.

[Truegritter]

Rlay

I quit checking in on his secret MS page two days ago

I am of the opinion that once you know what's going on further snooping only hinders your ability to detach.

I keep wondering if he means it when he says he LOVES her and she is the love of his life. How can he feel that way when I am the one who was with him for the last 11 years and gave him two beautiful children?

If you have looked at the stages of LBS that OP gave you this is normal we question and question and then when we get answers we can start to heal. Just keep the focus on you and GALing. The more you remove yourself from his drama the better you will feel. The pain will be there for a while unfortunately.

In spite of this I hope you are having a nice Mother's Day!

[RLay1100]

My contact with my H is rare and brief (since Sunday, May2). I no longer text or call him, and when we meet to drop-off/pick-up the kids, I smile, thank him, and that is it. He does end up always asking me if I'm dating, who I'm dating... This I don't understand because he says he hates my guts right now and wants nothing to do with me. If that's the case, why does he even CARE? He has someone else... ::sigh::

I am still having a hard time dealing with the fact he is having a PA (with a 19 YO). What bothers me the most is his telling her he loves her and she's the love of his life. He sweet talks her like he use to me, and I wish he still did. Could he really be in love with her? Is he just saying that to appease her, or make himself feel better...? Is it just the screwed up MLC fog?

[job]

MLC/depression fog tends to screw up their sense of reality. Of course, he loves her in the moment because it is a fantasy, the euphoria of having someone young and who doesn't know him like you do, makes his high a higher one. She's most likely stroking his ego and making him feel very important these days. To him, she's his soulmate, his everything. That may change as he travels the road of mlc.

Him questioning you about dating...he's hoping that you are doing it because it will then appease his guilt for what he's doing. He's curious to know what you are doing and he's hoping that by asking you about dating, the seed will be planted and you'll come to realize it's over w/him. Don't buy into this scenario.

I know it's tough, but you need to allow comments, questions, etc. to roll off your back for now. Try not to over analyze his every thought or move....put the focus back on to you and your family and above all else...protect your assets.

[RLay1100]

Today I'm feeling so sad and lonely. I miss him. I wish H would just snap out of this already. I wish H could realize he DOES love me and our family (not some OW) and come running to me to reconcile. ::sigh::
I'm continuing to have NC with him, except short, to-the-point replies to texts from him (usually about financial issues or kids). Why is he fine with not talking to me, when it is killing me to not hear his voice regularly? He is a little nicer to me, but still very distant when we are face-to-face (picking up/dropping off kids). Yesterday, he got agitated that I couldn't pick the boys up by 4 pm and texted, "Well i got things to do 2". I just knew he meant a date and my stomach sank. :-(
He is continuing to sweet-talk the 19 YO and tell her he loves her, but I also know he is actively pursuing other women, as well. He complains a lot on his social net pages that he is "lonely". Instead of pursuing OW, why not pursue me? -Am I not good enough? -Why?

I am feeling so hopeless right now. I am wondering if I am just being pathetic in standing for my MLC H, when he doesn't act like he misses me or wants anything more to do with me. Is there any hope...?

[RLay1100]

If he's trying to plant a seed that things are really over, does that mean I should give up, there is no hope? I am just so depressed and lost. ::sigh::

[mermaid]

RLay,
This is not the man you married. You do not want to be with this person. If he was happy he would not be persuing other women.

Go and do something with your children today. Take the focus off of your h.

[lalxx]

RLay,
Hope is not lost - MLC time is so very sloooooow - I did a timeline and I reckon my husband was showing signs 10 years ago ....anything which has been brewing since he was 15 and starting to show 10 years ago is going to take ages to work it's way out of his system.

Your husband's MLC started way back before he knew you probably and he has to travel this journey alone. There are thinsg you can do which will slow his pace through it BUT there is nothing you can do which will speed it up.

For us LBS, time passes quicker when we are not moping around and thinking of our husbands and what they are doing and what if...... Devise strategies for you to keep yourself busy and detached from him and you will benefit in the short and long run. i ahev the tidiest kitchen cupboards this side of the pond.

Keep reading and rereading the MLC resources and read up on anything you can about depression - your knowledge and understanding will help you face him better and more compassionately (I have found this to be the case). I printed off a 'lifesaver' folder and carried with me and I read it when I wanted o call him or cry or just needed a boost.

Focus on you and your chidlren and how you can be the best possible version of you - someone you would be proud to be with and not have issues which will cast shadows into your future relationships (either with your husband or someone else maybe).

The LBS journey is a hard one and you are doing so well - but remember the journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.

((hugs))

lalxx