reconciliation after divorce?

[FindingMyVoice]

Oh I see - oh that's good... I'm very glad to hear the new MC knows. And I hear your fears and I get that you want to use that session as productively as possible.

That being said, I think the fact that your W is in denial about the EA is a reason it needs to be discussed. No matter who brings it up. Because the denial in and of itself is a fundamental violation of the trust you need to build a marriage upon. So, if you get in there and realize you have questions around it or want to discuss it, then you need to bring it up. It doesn't matter how she'll react. It doesn't matter if you've asked her the same questions or brought it up 10 times before. The point is if you still have questions, then her answers to date haven't been sufficient enough for you yet. And that's an ok thought and feeling to have. BUT if you don't have questions you need answered around it, then I guess you don't need to ask.

I'd thought of something else when I was reading your post. Please, this may be off in left field so if it doesn't ring true, please just use your best judgement. I wonder if her fear really is whether or not you'll trust her again. I wonder if her fear is more around whether or not she'll be able to trust herself again. I think we often 'project' our own feelings onto other people, because it's really tough to come to grips with the fact that we feel these things ourselves. At least, that's what I was finding in my therapy. Time and time again, I'd say 'I fear my H thinks this...' or 'I fear my H feels that...' and my IC would say, "Really? I think it's YOU, PG, who really feels that about yourself, not your H" Again, I'm just speaking from my POV, but I know that in my sitch my feelings were so overwhelming, so all-encompassing. Trying to figure out which feelings I thought were caused by an external event/force, and which were coming from a sad place deep inside myself, was too tough to sort out on my own and I bet she'd benefit a lot from having the MC's help. I think you'd mentioned before that she was already in therapy, but it sounds like she's still struggling. So likely couldn't hurt her to discuss.

So that's my two bits. I know I blabbed about more than what you were asking about. I hope that's ok... it just kind of popped into my head as I was reading about what she'd told you about trust, so thought I should share.

Please know I get that everyone has to do what's right given where their thoughts and feelings are at in our their sitch. Whatever you decide to bring up, and whatever the consequences, you've got my support.