At the MC, I am planning on talking about rebuilding trust, moving on in our lives, reestablishing communication and seeing if we can move forward with our relationship. Am going to tell her that I understand our old marriage is over, and that we need to build a new relationship.
Don't think I should even mention OM.
I need to be very careful here.
Don't think W is bipolar, but these days who knows? Don't know what to think.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
I agree with futureunknown. I had to finally remove myself from the "toxic" R with my W for my own sanity and healing. It has been 1 month and I do feel a lot better. I was just tired of being the "gay boyfriend" as Puppy put it and when she finally chose to sleep with OM that was the last straw. I felt that I deserved better and had put up with a lot of crap for the past year and that I needed to look out for me because she wasn't and I was the only one who could.
I started being around people that wanted to be with me instead of trying to be with my W who didn't really want to be with me and she was "doing me a favor" by spending time with me. I had been spending the last 6 months focused on giving my W "space" and it finally dawned on me that I needed "space" to heal.
Just an explanation of my sitch and you have to do what is right for you. Best of luck!
I hear on "meetup.com" there are alot of groups for people to participate in various hobbies and the such. So this would be a good way to be around people who are doing what you want to do.
I'm glad you came to the conclusion that being around someone who doesn't want to be around you is unhealthy.
Hi AC, Oh... I'm confused. Was this not your own IC you're going to see, or someone new? Sorry, thought you'd told your IC about the OM. I think that's important information to bring up in a MC session, isn't it? The more honest you are about the exact details of your sitch, the better the MC is to help find the best path for each of you.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
FWIW, I agree with prairiegirl..."The more honest you are about the exact details of your sitch, the better the MC is to help find the best path for each of you." The OM is part of the problem.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
PG: Have talked extensively about OM with my IC. This will be our second session with a new MC, and she knows about OM. With W in denial about EA, is it a good idea to continue to question her about it? I am hoping the MC visit will be constructive. If OM discussion comes up, I hope she is the one to bring it up. She recently told me that I would never trust her again, and the only reason for that is OM. I recognize OM is a sympton, not the cause of our sitch. I hope to get to the cause of our sitch, to really start talking about issues.
I then go as NC as possible when I leave for 3 weeks a week from now. I hope she uses the time to think about our sitch. Only time will tell I suppose.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Oh I see - oh that's good... I'm very glad to hear the new MC knows. And I hear your fears and I get that you want to use that session as productively as possible.
That being said, I think the fact that your W is in denial about the EA is a reason it needs to be discussed. No matter who brings it up. Because the denial in and of itself is a fundamental violation of the trust you need to build a marriage upon. So, if you get in there and realize you have questions around it or want to discuss it, then you need to bring it up. It doesn't matter how she'll react. It doesn't matter if you've asked her the same questions or brought it up 10 times before. The point is if you still have questions, then her answers to date haven't been sufficient enough for you yet. And that's an ok thought and feeling to have. BUT if you don't have questions you need answered around it, then I guess you don't need to ask.
I'd thought of something else when I was reading your post. Please, this may be off in left field so if it doesn't ring true, please just use your best judgement. I wonder if her fear really is whether or not you'll trust her again. I wonder if her fear is more around whether or not she'll be able to trust herself again. I think we often 'project' our own feelings onto other people, because it's really tough to come to grips with the fact that we feel these things ourselves. At least, that's what I was finding in my therapy. Time and time again, I'd say 'I fear my H thinks this...' or 'I fear my H feels that...' and my IC would say, "Really? I think it's YOU, PG, who really feels that about yourself, not your H" Again, I'm just speaking from my POV, but I know that in my sitch my feelings were so overwhelming, so all-encompassing. Trying to figure out which feelings I thought were caused by an external event/force, and which were coming from a sad place deep inside myself, was too tough to sort out on my own and I bet she'd benefit a lot from having the MC's help. I think you'd mentioned before that she was already in therapy, but it sounds like she's still struggling. So likely couldn't hurt her to discuss.
So that's my two bits. I know I blabbed about more than what you were asking about. I hope that's ok... it just kind of popped into my head as I was reading about what she'd told you about trust, so thought I should share.
Please know I get that everyone has to do what's right given where their thoughts and feelings are at in our their sitch. Whatever you decide to bring up, and whatever the consequences, you've got my support.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Good grief, I do prattle on! Sorry! Well take care, I've got two dogs who I'm sure would like to get out into the sunshine (despite this nasty spring cold I have!) so I'd better hightail it. Again, take care today. Thinking good thoughts for you. Hope you've got something enjoyable planned for your weekend. It's beautiful weather here, hope the same where you are.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I am very nervous about MC tomorrow. I think I need to drop any expecations, and just state my mind. W has never really given me a chance since this all blew up 7 months ago. She thinks she has, but I now realize the OM was always in the back of her mind, and undoubtedly still is. I am really quite amazed that she thinks she can "just be friends" while the OM is lying to OMW about their EA. OM has done a good job demonizing OMW to my W, and, unfortunately, my very smart W doesn't seem to recognize the EA. She thinks OM is a nice guy with serious problems. What a crock.
I think I just need to state my mind about the trust issue and our emotional needs. She stated last week that I never give her my thoughts and feelings. I think I need to do that.
There is no doubt that I fear this is the last time we will ever talk to an MC. I want this to be a beginning, and I fear W wants it to be the end. I need to develop strength and confidence. I need to go NC when I leave for 3 weeks next week.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
I think I need to drop any expecations, and just state my mind. W has never really given me a chance since this all blew up 7 months ago. ...
I think I just need to state my mind about the trust issue and our emotional needs. She stated last week that I never give her my thoughts and feelings. I think I need to do that.
YES!!!! Way to go AC! That's excellent!
Originally Posted By: any chance?
I want this to be a beginning,
And frankly, (IMHO) the more you are absolutely bare bones honest you are expressing your thoughts and feelings, the more likely it is that will happen. And, the more strength and confidence you'll feel moving forward. In my sitch, learning how to 'lay it all out on the table' has been a very empowering experience. How else can any couple learn more about one another? Or an individual learn more about themself?
Oh, way to go AC. I'm so, so happy to hear you say all this!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I'm stuck too with her leaning on you. Your strength about putting yourself out there, will empower you.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you today. *hugs* Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Sorry! Well take care, I've got two dogs who I'm sure would like to get out into the sunshine (despite this nasty spring cold I have!) so I'd better hightail it. Again, take care today. Thinking good thoughts for you. Hope you've got something enjoyable planned for your weekend. It's beautiful weather here, hope the same where you are. 