still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

CW- ha! The same goes for you- I can actually picture a mini series! Your H returns with his tail between his legs and religious OW tries to return to her church but they reject her!

[courageous wife]

LOL! Would the miniseries be found on Lifetime, Hallmark or Comedy Central???

[newmama]

Damn it. I am trying to figure out why I am soooo depressed! Seriously. I mean could it be correlated with me detaching from WH? I have, of course, felt depressed off and on since he brought up divorce in March, and then it got worse when in April he said he wants to go through with it. But what I don't understand is that I have heard him say this to me in the past and in the past, I did not stay depressed for more than a day or 2. So what gives???? And I thought my anti-d's are supposed to help! I am re-reading my plan for attraction to lift my spirits.

Signed up for the cake decorating class- starts June 17!

[WhatNow]

IDK...I have been feeling weird too. I started weeping yesterday when a girl won the double showcase on Price is right....WTH????
I am trying to float with it.

Maybe it was the waning moon......

[Piano]

hey Newmama (and WN),
Processing things as they stand and detatching from WAH could definately be making you feel low. WN's example illustrates this well - doesn't matter what your are doing sometimes (watching TV, having fun with friends) the sadness is still there.
I think it's really important to have breaks from thinking and worrying about how it's all gonna turn out. Keep focussed on the next job at hand, how can you make the next 15mins or 1hr more enjoyable for you? Would it mean taking a walk, arranging some flowers, calling a friend? Easier said than done, I know!! Has it helped reading your plan for attraction?
What did you do today?

[newmama]

Hi Piano! Thanks for visiting! Gosh, if you had known me from October when I started posting, I was Miss PMA! Always positive, able to get back on the horse, find the silver lining, etc etc. And I did it by exactly what you suggest!

So today I cried during the time I was feeding S his breakfast. Then he took a nap/ I got ready for the day. When he woke up we went to sign up for my cake decorating class. I bawled all the way to the place. Then we went to look for a new bedspread and matching bedside lamps. They didn't have the lamps and none of the bedspreads matched what I wanted. We returned, I fed him lunch, then I started crying again.

I took S on a walk to some neighborhood garage sales and found some books for my classroom, and an umbrella stroller for S. We returned, I gave him a snack, and then I got dressed up as if I were going to a BBQ (that I was going to go to but then changed my mind-long story). WH texted to say he was arriving 10 minutes early. He got here, asked "how are you doing?" I pretended I didn't hear him and made some comment about S. (we were playing in the front room). I filled him on some necessary details about S and then said "see you tomorrow!" Ha. As soon as he left, I BAWLED MY EYES OUT!

Then I talked to a friend on the phone-not about my feelings but about her life so I could get my mind off of it. She asked how I was doing because she said she noticed that lately I have not sounded like "myself." Damn it- any discussion of how I am feeling makes me want to cry! ARRRGH! So I tell her that I am sooo sad and depressed but at the same time trying to put things in place for my future so that I am not "stuck." Am GALing, working out, blah blah blah- so why the tears? She said maybe this is a release because she never hears me complain about my sitch. She said maybe it is because I am letting go of WH. Maybe.

After that I cleaned out the pantry, cleaned up the house, got some low cal beer (believe it or not, I have not been drinking much and you would think that if I am depressed, I would be!). Then I talked to another friend about their life (it helps me to feel better to hear about others!!) and got on to DB. Next I will work out, watch a corny movie while doing so (Love Happens) and then tackle the clothes in my room and closet. And dust. I hate dusting but it is necessary every 3 months!

And I reserve the right to sometimes, once in awhile, feel sorry for myself, HATE WH's GUTS!!!!!, and NOT GAL! lol! I KNOW what to do to get out of depression. But sometimes it is ok to just marinate in sadness to get through the rain!

Oh and I haven't cried in 4 hours!

[newmama]

But Piano, thank you for your ideas! I do agree with you and was not trying to reject your help! Tomorrow (maybe even tonight) HAS GOT to be better! Maybe I will figure out why I am more sad than normal....perhaps it really is detaching from WH. Just read that detaching is painful withdrawal like when people withdraw from drugs.

[gatsby11]

Hey NM,

Did you find some good books for your classroom? Do you go back in September?

Wow, detaching and withdrawal from drugs. That's crazy.

Are you still in contact with that one 'special friend'?

[Piano]

NM, Your WH SUCKS big time and I hate his guts today too!

Sorry, mean spirited and all, but heck, sometimes a bit of outraged solidarity helps!!!

You are super active in spite of everything and I am so impressed that you are getting up, cleaning, buying, calling friends. OK, so you ball your eyes out inbetween but that's just FINE for the moment.

You have been so strong for so long (and I could tell when I first met/read you how strong you had been for so long) and maybe now you need this breakdown/release time... You have been on such a journey and thrived and kicked ass and... well, far out, at the end of the day you are human and need love and need someone to care for you too.

Your WH has someone to hold him at night. That's the reality. But it's HIS life. Yours is infinitely more courageous and worthy, and I know you are going to find happiness again because people like yourself always have something good waiting for them around the corner.

Anyways, ranting here, but go through this dip and accept it. You are doing all the right things, including crying.

The worst thing would be to sit in a corner and slump.

Through the pain, you are picking yourself up, and I see, helping a lot of other people in pain also visitng and contributing their sitches. BRAVO!


((((lots of hugs today))))

[newmama]

Thank you Piano and Gatsby! Whatnow, I forgot to tell you that I am sorry you have been sad as well and I do hope you are right that it is the moon because that means it will end soon (the phase).

I confess that I am wearing my workout clothes but have ZERO desire to work out! I do feel confident that when I wake up tomorrow, I will be refreshed. I have not pigged out (although a brownie sundae with real hot fudge sauce sounds heavenly) but I have drank alcohol which has lots of calories (as well as eating regular food). So I guess I won't weigh myself for another week,lol!

Gatsby- the special friend is still around, and actually today he helped me kind of feel comforted in a possibility...

You see I noticed that in the last couple weeks or so when I have asked WH if I could switch this day or that regarding visitation with S, he has said "SURE" right away. In the past, he would say "let me get back to you."

I just was mentioning this to my friend and I said that it stood out to me but I don't know why.He said he suspects it does reflect a change in the relationship between WH and OW meaning before he would put OW's needs first. Now, probably due to guilt, he is putting my needs first. (well- regarding the schedule!)

This led into a discussion about how WH was genuinely shocked when he told me in April that he wanted a D that I wanted to change the way he visited S and how I had plans drafted when he told me he wanted to D. He said "wow, you've been thinking about this!" (SORRY FOR REPEATING MYSELF!!!!)

Since then, I have been withdrawn and polite but not my "newmama" self with WH. SOOOOO my friend said he suspects WH feels some resentment toward OW for pressuring him to D which resulted in him losing the comfy cake eating set up he had with me, requiring S to go back and forth 4 times per week, and losing my friendship.

I think there could be a flow chart that could show cause and effect here and it is based on MIND READING but when I talked to my g-ma tonight she surprised me by saying "Oh I am SURE he resents OW!!! Don't you think men, or anyone for that matter, resent people for pressuring them into something?"

Now I realize that this is allllll speculation and who knows if OW was the one who pushed WH to make a decision or if it came from WH. But my gut tells me she had a big role and I think common sense does too!

No matter. WH goes out of town tomorrow until Thursday, then picks up S, returns him on Saturday, and his b-day is Sunday. Surely he won't have time to work on the paperwork this week....