It's not like you don't know the number anyway, just that the actual dialing of the number, in that time that you do, will make you think about what you are doing.
Usually by the time you enter it, you have realized that you shouldn't....
I'm good, thank you. I finally got some sleep. It's amazing how badly a little sleep deprivation can mess with your head & exacerbate an already confusing situation. *sigh*
But I'm better.
I *just* got a fancy-schmancy cell phone from my parents, we've used tracfones up until now because I refuse to pay that much money. So I gave the trac to S8 for when he goes to visit H. I will feel better knowing that he has some way to call someone, I loaded it with everyone's numbers. He thinks he is so cool. lol
I do have H in the contacts, but under the ICE contacts, just in case. Just to prove what a techno loser I am...I've never sent a text. Ever. I'm a texting virgin. But if that contact button ever gets tempting, I'll be sure to delete it, Mach. Thanks for the tip.
Right now I'd rather shoot lemon juice in my eye than talk to H. :P
I've been reading quite a bit this morning from the resources thread. I'm fascinated with the *why they run* thread. I'd never realized just how much H's R with his father could have messed him up. My father grew up with an alcoholic abusive father & a workaholic mother (how he became a wonderful father I will never know)--so hearing that FIL worked all the time but never spent money on his family just didn't seem like that big of a deal. H says he *hates* his dad most of the time--but he's becoming just like him. So much more to investigate there.
Father worked all the time, but was emotionally unavailable and financially irresponsible. Maybe that played some part when he felt that he wasn't providing an income to take care of us. Being afraid of becoming his father just pushed him more into acting like his father.
Who knows? I can see the possibility in that, though.
I do have the DR book. I read the MLC part (albeit a bit too late), but will jump from where I am to the part you suggested, Eric. Thanks for mentioning it. I've not been reading it very quickly these past few days, I've been engrossed in OPs homework list. It's really an eyeopener. It's like someone has just been observing H for the past few years & writing it all down. It's nice to know that I'm not crazy after all, but scary to think that this could take years to get through.
I've been thinking about what I wrote about my mom & how she thinks H is just being a jerk. I can see where she would want to defend me & make the pain go away at any cost...but there are bigger issues there with her. I (and *most* of her friends) believe that she is deeply involved in the middle of an EA with a man who lives across the country. They were childhood friends and stayed friends as adults. Their communication picked up as his wife was in the end stages of MS. My parents would go visit them, they would come here, it was always family affairs. His wife died a few years ago & my mom has always viewed this man with almost hero-like worship. He is wonderful and giving and sacrificed himself and blah blah blah, especially when compared to my workaholic father who didn't pay her enough attention, so-on-and-so-forth. (btw--my dad can't do anything right anymore even if he tried, so he's just quit trying.)
you can point out how inappropriate it is that she be sharing such intimate feelings and thoughts with OM (I don't think sexual, but really nothing would surprise me anymore). They are just friends and she will argue with you that she deserves to have him in her life, she hopes he dates again soon (W has been gone for over two years, he's had two dates), she wishes he would move back here so she could *help him* more. Uh, yeah. Right.
Sooooo....my point is (because I'm a little wordy ), I couldn't explain MLC to her if my life depended on it for one of two reasons--she is either IN one, or facing that H has gone bonkers & I'm standing by would force her to take a good hard look at her own marriage & what she could have done.
I can look to my parents for support and acceptance, but not for understanding in this. I don't think many people would understand this unless they've been though it. I'm going to have to learn to say "just trust me" when people ask why I'm just sitting here letting H have his "mini vacation".
My, what a messy world I live in, huh?
On a brighter note...S6's first Tball game & then off to get Milo. It's going to be a beautiful day.
I hope everyone enjoys their weekend!
Last edited by shelbel; 05/15/1001:12 PM.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Hello Shelbel, I have a 24 hour rule when it come to my husband - my situation is so very similiar to yours - I am in NC unless it is about our 3 children - if i receive an e-mail or text from my husband I read it then file away for 24 hours before I respond, when I revisit it if I still feel any negative emotions I give it another 24 hours and so on until I can respond to my husband in a calm, balanced and dignified way.
I also have a 9 o'clock rule - if something gets to me during the day I say 'worry about this after 9pm when the kids are in bed' - if the issue still irks me then I'll deal with it BUT it is amazing just how few issues still cause me grief after 9pm!
You are doing really well - reading up on evreything you can about MLC will help you enormously - I would always grab my "Lifesaver" folder and read it ferociously if I ever felt like contacting my husband in some way - it helped educate myself and steered me away from the dangerous rocks of my husband and his MLC behaviour!
((hugs))
lalxx
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
our families dont really understand and as you said your mom may be experiencing her own sort of situation with her friemd
I did find a few women in my area who had been through this and could be supportive
yes I can relate to living in a mess too as I felt and sometimes still do my situation was extremeely weird, as compared to many neighbors, family and friends who had semi stable and working M where H stayed committed MY XH also had no connection with his dad..many of MLCers seem to foolow the legacy of a parent and maybe the unstable parent? so anyway hang in there More is revealed as time goes on we get VERY strong and learn to detatch and move on some Spouses will return some not no one knows but we have to continue for oursleves and our klids peace
It is what it is though
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
S6 came to me & said he didn't feel well...fever of 100.7. Well, crud. I medicated him & went looking for the coach's phone number. A brief overview--H was supposed to be the coach but backed out days before the first practice because he moved out. Left the team in a lurch, but the asst. coach stepped up & is now the coach. Problem is, I don't have any idea of what this guys' name or number is. "Coach Joe" isn't listed in the phone book. The youth sports director isn't home. I don't know the other parents.
I don't want to just not show up to the first game--that annoyed H when people did it to him (although looking back I don't really know why--they are just kids, rotate them through the batting order & play ball already.) But I wanted to at least be respectful...
I thought of you as I was dialing his number, Mach. He answered was pleasant, claimed he didn't know anything about the coach--with a tone that made it sound like I had just asked him if he knew the number of my hair stylists's sister's boyfriend's cousin's neighbor who was at that party that time for that guy we didn't really knew who knows the girl who sells candles???
Me: Hi, H. Hey--do you happen to know the S6's coach's last name or maybe have his phone number? H: Don't know that, sorry. Me: Okay...S6 woke up with a fever & doesn't want to play today. I just wanted to tell him. H: Hmmm. Well tell S6 that I hope he feels better.
*Tell him I hope he feels better?* Why don't you tell him you hope he feels better? In fact why don't you talk to them for the first time in two and a half days? While you're talking to them, maybe you could tell them whether or not you are actually going tot he races with them & my dad tomorrow since you've not really said you were but they seem to think you are & can't wait. Huh?? Why don't you do that???
on the inside
(in a happy, light tone) Me: I sure will. Thanks anyway, bye. *click*
ugh...note to self--utilize contact list on new cell phone and add EVERYONE who you might need to contact so you don't ever have to call him again for a stupid phone number. Oh, and decide what qualifies as a "contacting H" worthy emergency. I'm starting to think that just not showing up & apologizing next weekend might have sufficed. Not entirely polite, but circumstances being what they are...
I do have a question though...as I was talking to my mom (who, I do realize, is not a good source of advice), she suggested that my being just fine & surviving without him will just help in making him angry and pushing him away further. He didn't feel like I needed him when he was here, and now nothing has changed since he's left & I'm still just as independent, thus proving his point that I didn't need him or want him. Seeing as how one of his biggest complaints (to me) was that I didn't do anything like clean the house or take care of the kids & treated him like a housekeeper/babysitter.
I know the way a rational person would react when faced with this, but what about the MLCer. What about when his complaint is that he didn't matter except as hired help? Is showing him how happy & I am (not) and proving that I can do this on my own going to make him feel like he was right all along & he was just here to watch the kids?
Or will taking care of everything with him gone prove that I can (and was) capable of taking care of everyone/everything and that his role in our family was (is) so much more than that?
Last edited by shelbel; 05/15/1003:26 PM.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
I do have a question though...as I was talking to my mom (who, I do realize, is not a good source of advice), she suggested that my being just fine & surviving without him will just help in making him angry and pushing him away further. He didn't feel like I needed him when he was here, and now nothing has changed since he's left & I'm still just as independent, thus proving his point that I didn't need him or want him. Seeing as how of his biggest complaints (to me) was that I didn't do anything like clean the house or take care of the house & treated him like a housekeeper/babysitter.
I know the way a rational person would react when faced with this, but what about the MLCer. What about when his complaint is that he didn't matter except as hired help? Is showing him how happy & I am (not) and proving that I can do this on my own going to make him feel like he was right all along & he was just here to watch the kids?
Or will taking care of everything with him gone prove that I can (and was) capable of taking care of everyone/everything and that his role in our family was (is) so much more than that?
With running the risk of sounding snarky.....
Who cares ?
Seriously though.
Living well is for YOU, not him.
He has issues that are keeping him from seeing what really was and was not.
These issues are his Shel, not yours.
If you live your life to please another, in a relationship. Then you are being false and not true to you.
The changes that you make, are for you to become a person that someone would be a fool to walk away from.
Hi Shel, you are doing well, its tough and alot of what is required takes practice.I am 10 months post bomb and I am just getting to understand and realise what detaching and dropping the rope really means. To get to where you want is not just about going on a life diet, its about changing your way of life.It all take strength courage and will power. Most of the people her have been in you space, made same/similair mistakes.Dont beat youself up..youve done alot of that already..and dont let anyone make you feel low..its not worth that either. Remember guys,all of you have been here some time, patience is a virtue and Shel nees time to adjust, learn, understand and put into practice. When we communicate in writing we dont always sense how someone is feeling.Here we have all been through one common denominator pain..we just have to be a little more sensitive as to how someone is feeling when they post here..emotion doesnt always come through in the writing... hugs Shel(((())))
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
Mach is good...he's snarkily hoping he's not sounding snarky because I snarikly accused him of being snarky.
I've toughened up a bit & realized I'm on a totally different planet over here. And if I get a 2x4 covered in snark, then I have probably deserved it.
Not much to report today. I'm going to keep this a relatively computer-free day, I need to clean before my date tonight!
Go ahead, ask. I know you want to...
I'm taking my 93 year old grandfather to see a big band orchestra & then to dinner. I'm excited, I love Poppa & I love big band--it's going to be fun.
Okay, so S8 clled H last night to tell him about the kitten. H asked S8 if he could come up and see it. He also said he wouldn't be going to the races today because he has "something to do". S8--without prompting from me because I stay silent during these calls--reminded him that there were $200 worth of tickets & if he didn't go THEY couldn't go. Answer still nope. *sigh*
I did have to tell S8 later that unless H specifically asks to speak with me, don't just hand me the phone and say "Here's Mommy!". I know he wants us to talk, but I don't want him to get his hopes up every time. Poor kid.
I've been teaching my kids the basics of DBing the past two days. As in,
"Don't chase the kitten!",
"I know he's hiding behind the dishwasher, standing there yelling his name isn't going to make him come out any faster."
"I know you want to hold him, but he's scared--give him space."
"Let him check you guys out for a little while. When he's ready he'll come to you."
"Quit pulling his tail!!"
Okay, that last doesn't really apply. But you get the idea.
As it is the kids are bouncing off the walls & the kitten is still just dashing from cave to cave. Poor kitten. At least I'm getting the nooks and crannies of the house dusted. He's like a living swiffer duster.
I hope everyone is enjoying their day. I'm going to clean the house before the concert & try not to think of H.
I think today is going to be one of those rose-colored-glasses kind of days when it comes to him. I need to stay focused.
Talk to you soon!!
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
I think what Mach posted is spot on. In terms of why YOU care - IMO It is as simple as ....you Love Him...yep that simple dear.
As you go and grow thru this process you will come to realize that you really can love someone yet not do things with an expectation that the response will be what u so desire. In time you will come to realize that you must let the rope go - you must not enable him. You must let him find his way.
You are doing well and I hope your son feels better. Enjoy the rest of the weekend.
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
), I couldn't explain MLC to her if my life depended on it for one of two reasons--she is either IN one, or facing that H has gone bonkers & I'm standing by would force her to take a good hard look at her own marriage & what she could have done. 
He also said he wouldn't be going to the races today because he has "something to do". S8--without prompting from me because I stay silent during these calls--reminded him that there were $200 worth of tickets & if he didn't go THEY couldn't go. Answer still nope. *sigh*