I have come home to an emptied house....What next?

[Gynandtonix]

Bloody banks are closed. Have to be Monday to change accounts.

Wedding ring on or off?

Should I see where the boys are staying?

Should I be nice and cordial, or allow my anger to be on show?

??

Gyn

[Gynandtonix]

Is this the end?

Could this be a good thing?

At first - 6 M ago, I considered her finding somewhere else to stay would be the final straw and mark the end of it all.

Now I am not so sure.

Lets see.

Gyn.

Ps
Turns out she was not planning for the boys to sleep over tonight.
But they have asked her if they can, and then she asked me if it was ok. Dumb question.

[antlers]

Wedding ring off.

You have a right to know where your boys are staying.

Be strong, and resolute, first and foremost. Even if you have to fake it. Be assertive and stand up for yourself. Be matter of fact, nice and cordial...as long as she is. Do not show weakness. Do not let her walk on you. I wouldn't show anger either. I can't emphasize enough how important it is for you to adopt robx's approach and heed his advice.

Good luck

[Awoken]

Turns out she was not planning for the boys to sleep over tonight.

I haven't read your entire sitch, but are you making these decisions without legal counsel? If you haven't already, start interviewing lawyers first thing. Many will give you the first meeting for free. I think you need to get some information so that you can protect your family. Just the fact that your boys are having to ask to sleep in their own home is a problem.

I don't know what the marital laws are in your state. In mine, all property and money acquired during the marriage are considered shared. When I separated our accounts, I took exactly half the money, as advised by my lawyer. I waited to close the credit cards, and I regret it (puppy had recommended it). Eventually I was forced to cancel all the shared cards as well. I suggest you open a new account for yourself, and transfer half of the money. When you see a L, they can tell you if you can take more.

I doubt that your wife had the right to take all the boys stuff. You need a record of what exactly was taken. She may not have the right to uproot them this way. She is presuming that she gets custody. Men have more rights now days than they used to. Often, the parent that remains in the home gets some custodial preference, as the courts recognize how hard it is on the children being torn out of the home they are used to. I'm not sure how you should handle this, I would be concerned about letting her set how custody is going to handled. I think you should insist on equal time with your kids.

Protect your family by protecting your money, assets, and your time with your sons. I think you need legal help to do this.

I'm sorry for where you are; hang in there.

[robx]

Is this the end?

Could this be a good thing?

At first - 6 M ago, I considered her finding somewhere else to stay would be the final straw and mark the end of it all.

Now I am not so sure.

Lets see.

Gyn.

Ps
Turns out she was not planning for the boys to sleep over tonight.
But they have asked her if they can, and then she asked me if it was ok. Dumb question.

Didn't you guys already plan for the boys to come this weekend? And then she changed her mind and the schedule? More disrespect. Look plain & simple you tell her that you had planned for the boys to sleep over, she can't change her mind like that when it comes to you seeing the boys, if you guys agreed on this schedule, then it has to be held to, it can't be what's convenient only for her - convenience will no longer factor into the child custody schedule.

Like I said, up to you but you need to start setting boundaries and enforcing them otherwise expect this type of treatment to continue - why would it change on it's own?

[Gynandtonix]

Well I have boys now till Monday am when I take them to school.
I asked for this and she agreed.



The first tears I have shed where when I hugged the boys for the first time since the split.

Me and the WAW spoke.
It was mainly a cordial blame game type conversation.
When she rose her voice a little I told her to stop with the aggression and to lower her voice.
When she swore, I told her to stop swearing.

When She started to nit pick, I told her to stop. I asked if she wanted to have conversations where all we did was get angry and raise our voices, swear ect, or did she want to keep out of the blame game and keep it cordial?
She agreed to stop the agression and keep it cordial.

I simply told her to stop just blaming me and to look at herself as well.

I asked her how this is a better arragement, than her being here and working on it.

I asked how is this better for the boys.

I asked her to tell me what she had done to repair our M.

She had no answers.

All she does is blame me, I just want to hear her accept her role and involvement in all this.

She did get very angry when I spoke about how this was planned and executed - she especially disliked it when I said that she had been scheming behind my back.

When she left she was angry and a little upset - perhaps not the best frame of mind for her to leave in with regards to our R. But this will be forgotten in the comming months I am sure.

Basically I will not allow her to just blame me and allow her to ease her mind.

I will not not allow her to dominate me in anything, and nor will I sugar coat things as well.
I will not allow myself to choose the words or actions that I will only do to smooth the waters and not upset her, so to speak.

If I have to upset her, then tough.

She told me that she still loves me.
She is still wearing her wedding rings.
She said she didn't want to do this and that it should never have come to this.

She needs to accept that it has come to this stage, and accept her part in all this mess.

Time to enjoy my time with the boys and try and put her out of my mind.

Wedding ring will stay on for now. My actions will remain at the same level as hers for now.

Changing the locks is an option, but this will be done when things turn really nasty. Again keeping things to the same level for now.

Regards,
Gyn.

[Gynandtonix]

I accept the importance of boundaries and I will not shy away from setting them this time.

Ie, I will be setting a boundary with my money, and I am setting the times when we handover the boys.

This is all good advice boys, keep it coming.....

Regards,
Gyn.

[antlers]

This was posted on another thread...always helpful.

Sandi just posted this to someone else...she is one of the vets here. This is a good place for you to start...she knows what she is talking about!
----------------------------
Your W wants to escape from you and the M. The best thing you can do is to back away and do nothing to pursue her. EVERYTHING you say or do will seem like some form of unhappiness to her. Even saying ILY is pressure to her. There are a lot of things that you should do or not do that could help your stitch. I'm sending a list that I hope will be of help.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through
conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[Awoken]

Well I have boys now till Monday am when I take them to school.
I asked for this and she agreed.

Good!

The first tears I have shed where when I hugged the boys for the first time since the split.

I'm sorry buddy. It's gotta be tough, and it's ok to have those down times. You are gonna need to prepare yourself for these moments. Some say it's bad for the kids to see you cry. My point of view is that it's ok if the see it as part of your grieving process, but they need to know you are strong and handling things. As scared as you are, imagine what they must be thinking. It's been a struggle for me too, so I understand. I get my crying done in private, and present as happy and strong a dad as I can. When I'm really sad, they know anyway, and I acknowledge it and tell them it's ok to be sad, it's part of the process, and no matter what we will all be ok.

Me and the WAW spoke.
It was mainly a cordial blame game type conversation.
When she rose her voice a little I told her to stop with the aggression and to lower her voice.
When she swore, I told her to stop swearing.

When She started to nit pick, I told her to stop. I asked if she wanted to have conversations where all we did was get angry and raise our voices, swear ect, or did she want to keep out of the blame game and keep it cordial?
She agreed to stop the agression and keep it cordial.

Sounds almost right. You stay calm and collected, and when she escalates you should say something like "I'm unwilling to continue talking if this isn't cordial", or something like that. You can't tell her what to do, and shouldn't try. Tell her what your boundary is, and what you will do. Then live it.

I simply told her to stop just blaming me and to look at herself as well.

You can't teach a wayward anything. Stop trying. She can't/won't hear you.

I asked her how this is a better arragement, than her being here and working on it.

I asked how is this better for the boys.

I asked her to tell me what she had done to repair our M.

She had no answers.

She is giving you answers. She moved out and took all the boys stuff. She doesn't want to reason with you, that is likely why she didn't respond. You need to stop trying to convince her of anything.

All she does is blame me, I just want to hear her accept her role and involvement in all this.

You may be waiting forever. Stop making this about her, and start taking care of yourself and your boys. Let her go. I know it's hard, but it's what you need to do. One of the great things about this forum is that there are hundreds of histories told in thread form that can help you understand what you should be doing.

She did get very angry when I spoke about how this was planned and executed - she especially disliked it when I said that she had been scheming behind my back.

When she left she was angry and a little upset - perhaps not the best frame of mind for her to leave in with regards to our R. But this will be forgotten in the comming months I am sure.

You've got to stop talking with her about any of this. Adopt the mindset that you are moving on with your life, pursing what you need to do to be a happy Gyn and a great father. Don't be mean to her, just too busy with your new life.

Basically I will not allow her to just blame me and allow her to ease her mind.

I don't know Gyn, I think this mindset is trouble. You can't control her. She will blame you, and you can't control that. More importantly, you need to stop worrying about what she thinks. The idea is to not fight the WAS. This doesn't mean enabling them, but you should avoid anything that is retributive or getting back at them. If her mind is eased, maybe she will think clearer.

Wedding ring will stay on for now. My actions will remain at the same level as hers for now.

Take off your ring when it's the right time for YOU. Your actions don't need to be about her right now.

Hey, sorry if this commentary is tough. I really feel for your situation. The idea of her taking the kids, and all their things from their home really got to me. Hang in there!

[Awoken]

Changing the locks is an option, but this will be done when things turn really nasty. Again keeping things to the same level for now.

Is her name on the house title or mortgage? It may not be legal for you the change the locks until that is changed.

On the other hand, if she is still on the mortgage, then she may still be obligated to help pay the monthly payments. Does she expect a share in the equity of the house? A portion of those payments likely go towards equity.

Again, I think you need to see a lawyer right away. This stuff is complicated, and our emotions really lead us to poor choices.
I could tally up the advice I ignored out of fear of driving my WAW away, but you get the point right? Don't view seeing the lawyer as a step towards divorce, but as a step in protecting your family.