Dont let him make you think you are the reason he is moving away! He has his own issues!!!
im sorry things didnt go as planned...We all backslide at times... just remember its not the end... its just a bump... and you still can go dark or dim at this point.
From Gatsby:You said things you felt. You didn't ruin anything as far as reconciliation.
Piano- do not regret "not working on yourself" the last 4-5 months...you planned for living and financial arrangements without H just in case. You were able to identify areas that you need to improve so you can still work on those. You have not ruined your chances for reconciliation- my SIL was extremely angry with her H (and DO NOT FORGET that you have EVERY RIGHT to be angry!) and he still came crawling back...after they D'd!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
wow, really, nm? that's incredible that he came crawling back. I am so glad she was able to express her anger. It's so hard keeping it in! The whole OW thing is just horrid.
thanks everyone for giving me some hope.
even though my anger is justified, I kinda do need to learn to shut my trap and be patient, for my own sake, if nothing else.
Going dark/letting go/giving him to a higher power... I will have to look hard to find the inner strenght to acheive this...
I feel like calling him. I am so needy!
(had interesting back pain & abdominal pain during the night..thinking it was practice labour... I am clearly v emotional now it's all so imminent!)
thanks again for holding my hand through this... you are the best!
I should point out that the reason I tend to go off on a monologue with WAH is that he is not 'there'.
I think this is how the dynamic goes.
+ Both of us greet each other with smiles and intention to pass a peaceful and perhaps even friendly moment.
+ I ask WAH for involvement/assistance in a non pursuing way. Just trying to be adult and communicate about practical things which need doing, esp since I am about to have a baby
+ WAH agrees but without enthusiasm, and offers nothing above and beyond that.
+ I say there is more that needs to be done/discussed/sorted and reproach him for not being more pro-active
+ WAH makes facial expression and goes quiet like a 5 year old who is being told off, but is sulking and stubbornly refusing to engage
+ I get frustrated because I am not dealing with an adult, where give and take is possible, where things are negotiable. I start to monologue...
+ I ask WAH to engage with me, my frustration rising...
+ WAH gets more withdrawn and 'bashed up' looking (and I'm not even shouting, just talking away at myself 'cos there is no adult in the room)
+ I ask WAH when he is going to start being an adult, think of something other than himself, stop hiding, start dialoguing & he gets up to leave "I have to go/I don't want to have this conversation now/You and I cannot agree/I am leaving you and want to be with OW"
+ I am angry by now and tell him he's selfish, hateful and cowardly, and tell him to get lost.
Trying to figure out what to learn from the above...
First I see I am unable to stand back, do a 360 and conduct my conversation in a way that is detached, calm and collected. I get sucked into the downward spiral, which I in fact create because I let HIS detachment get to me.
I am trying to use "talk" and LOGIC to solve this.. STILL!! I should know by now this does NOT work. Secondly, that WAH has nothing to offer me today. Nothing. And I refuse to see this reality for what it is because it really frightens me and makes me feel hollow.
I think the fact that he may return overseas soon to be with OW fosters your sense of urgency. I was imagining if that were happening with me, and I think I would try harder to make something work.
I think the key is to remember that when/if he gets on the plane, it's not all over. Unless you want it to be! With him far away, it will be easier to NC. He will visit the baby. When that happens, you can really show 180s and the joy of parenting.
In fact, I have to say that I imagine that he NEEDS to go back overseas to be with OW to shatter that fantasy. It will not be everything he thinks it will be. That could be a turning point.
My WH is obsessed with this idea that he wants to go live in Afghanistan, like his good friend is doing. I'm trying to prepare myself for him springing that on me in the next year. But I, again, think it's something that he really needs to explore in order to see the reality. It will be maddening, though.
I was going to say that in the quote above, your expectations are clear. You'd like enthusiasm and more offers to help. I think that's when things started going sour.
H is gone. (The spaceship analogy, right?) Maybe H would have done those things, but now WAH is here. He is "limited" and will do very little. Period!
(I know you know this already, but I just had to say it again.)
Piano, it is extra hard having to deal with someone who is not rational...and childlike. You are in a very delicate situation right now, pregnant, alone, taking care of a home on your own, preparing and planning for a baby on your own, worked up until most recently, and in a intensive emotional state... and on top of it have to deal with the world your H created and left behind for you to handle all on your own... you dont give yourself enough credit... but you are superwoman!
Dont let him going on a plane be the final straw... my H is four city blocks away... and for a few months I didnt see him either... and it didnt make a difference... Some on here are still living with their WAS while separated and still it doesnt help their relationship. Not making light of the situation. I empathize for you and think what your H (and ours) is doing is just plain despicable. But whether they are 2 minutes away or 2 thousand miles away, they are still being asses (excuse my foul language). Besides... maybe your H moving with OW to the other country could really make him see how selfish he is... maybe the fun of running around with OW will end and not be so much fun anymore when he moves there with her... hope he really never goes, but in case he does, it doesnt not mean you cant continue to DB and that he wont sense it or know it.
Focus on you! Who cares about the past few months... start all over today! this very minute! Do it for you! I know I mentally put the baby's due date as my deadline, and recently realized it is silly to do so. Hope we will be so involved with our baby's that we dont have a single minute to spare thinking or crying over our Hs.
Hey, I think the fact that he may return overseas soon to be with OW fosters your sense of urgency.... ....In fact, I have to say that I imagine that he NEEDS to go back overseas to be with OW to shatter that fantasy....
Yup. Totally freaked by the idea that my WAH will be 17,000 Kms/$2000 air ticket away. It means he will visit ONCE per year. And Europe is more home to him than here, so even if it falls through with OW, he will be Home (with lotsa friends and family). He's largely isolated here because of what he's done, so it's easier for him to go back.
He just needs to see the baby so he can say I Am Not Like My Dad and so that important people back in Europe get the impression that he was 'responsible' in the way he left us (we 'separated', not he abandonnned us) and did the 'right' thing by me and didn't run away (even thouigh he has & I've hardly seen him). Thank God BIL has been here and seen the truth of things first hand.
I told WAH very often, esp in the beginning, to get back on a plane now and test his fantasy relationship out with OW. I told him 100 times. He flatly refused. It's as though he has set himlsef the goal of seeing the baby when she is born and then...well... It's a matter of time....
He may get back there and have regrets or it may not work out with OW... only time will tell, right?
