I"m starting to feel anger instead of depression tonight as I GALed and had a good time. Its much easier to detach when anger fuels independence, instead of depression fuelling longing.
I do remember what is was like to have an affair, although mine did not last as long, and it was not in any respect an actual relationship. I do remember it made me believe crazy things. I said things that hurt H to justify it and it really was like losing myself completely. I was not myself and was possessed in a way that was actually frightening. It actually turned quite abusive in the end, so even in that way I was fooling myself.
I'm so glad I'm finding my way back to myself. AS for H I can imagine he is running on the same illogical escape plan as I only much deeper. And I realize as long as he knows i'm sitting here waiting for him, he doesn't really have to make a choice. I made mine once he said no more. I must do the same.
I"ve taken the blame, the guilt, the punishment and felt I deserved it all because I started this with my fling. But what I didn't know was that he had been lying to me for months that another woman was behind his resistance to reconciliation. When I think of all the anger, abuse, blame, foul words, abandonment, lies I"ve put up with because I wanted so desperately for HIM TO FORGIVE ME and show MY CHANGES that i am beginning to see that was in no way the whole picture. Thank you Allen for emphasizing this with your house analogy. If he is going to run from problems by hiding in romantic fantasy, I can do nothing. It is like a drug. I know this.
And, he's doing drugs. He's been partying with his stupid baby brother etc etc etc.
So tonight I feel strong, I don't know how long it will last. But I can see clearer. I know he will not treat me with any respect or fairness as long as he is in the fantasy world. So like people here say, I have to make his choice real.
I have signed up with a DB coach, and I'm out looking for new groups, hobbies. I like the volunteer work idea too, Allen.
I know that hiding his head in the sand is a family trait for his side - they all avoid each other, are passive aggressive, arrogant, and can't relate to people well because they are so insecure/superior feeling. His father was abusive to his mother, and I have seen this part of him come out over the past year on me and even my son occasionally. So, he may never come back around and mature. His family is not like that. They are intellectually very smart, but emotionally very stunted.
I'm going to work on not taking the blame any more. I have little respect for someone who leaves his family because it doesn't feel fun anymore and treats his wife with such contempt and rudeness.
