The countdown continues

[Gardener]

Awoken;
As always:
Good for you!
Good for S!
Good for D!

STBXW? Sad. Just sad.

You're a great Dad.

[Awoken]

thanks Gardener;

I'm trying to figure out her point of view on this, which is difficult with little to no communication with her. It's not that I want to read her mind, or that I even care about her in the exact situation.

S14 had an academic awards ceremony next Wednesday. It seems to be that it would be better for the kids to see us working together more. Part of me thinks she's is trying to "punish" me for discovering her relationship with the OM, and for telling her I could no longer share a house with her under those circumstances.

It's a head-scratcher; previously she expected us to do all the kids stuff together. Don't misunderstand, it's easier for me without her around right now, but I just wonder how it effects the kids. D17 did tell me, in an indirect way, that the tension is making her uncomfortable. So maybe, it's ok like this for now and I should just wait until school starts back in the fall to address this stuff.

The situation is still so strange to me. Six months ago, I sat in the school functions looking at divorced parents wondering how they did it, and thinking thank god that's not gonna be me.

Anyone got thoughts on this?

[flowmom]

Awoken, I feel for you. When I see that my H can't even celebrate my children's milestones as a family, I think "you've gotten what you wanted, I haven't stopped you, isn't that enough?? do our children really have to pay the price here??". (((hugs)))

[Sister]

Congrats to S14!! You must be one proud papa.

It's a shame that STBXW can't get over whatever has made her so avoiding for the kids sake. These are important times for them and it seems like such a small thing to do for their benefit.

Have you tried to talk to her about this at all? I guess that could be difficult with all she's doing to avoid you at all costs. But maybe if you keep trying, she'll eventually see the light.

Has her lawyer ever responded to your last proposal? Just wondering if you're still at a standstill...

[Awoken]

Her lawyer told her that they were waiting on us!?! I called my lawyer and told her to just get it started. Both me and my lawyer are confused by their lack of action, since my wife says she emphatically wants the divorce. I asked my lawyer to go ahead and draft the official agreement. I've run through my first retainer, but it seems like the best direction to take.

[Awoken]

I received several emails from W this morning. The last one was a little spew/rant from her, in response to me inquiring if there was anything we could do about getting a land line so that I can reach the kids when they are at her apartment.

"You have made it very clear to the neighbors, the kids, and others that I have abandoned the family. I am living where I am, paying what I am so that I can be with my kids. You will do whatever to put me down and make me look bad to others. That is fine."

I really didn't know what to say to this. Last week she sent me a text message saying she "really missed me, and was so sorry". I'm gonna vent here, rather than respond to her.

I haven't talked to the neighbors at all about the situation. I did talk with one neighbor who my w had already told everything to, but I only talked about how she handled her own divorce. As to the kids, I've worked overtime trying preserving their relationship with their mom. Within a month of dropping the bomb, she took off her wedding ring, divorced me on facebook, and began being gone all the time, or drinking herself into a stupor in front of the kids. The kids witnessed all of this. When they finally confronted her, she screamed at them that she didn't want to be a mom anymore.

I don't really know where she gets the idea that I'm the one making her look bad! It seems that even going an entire month without speaking to me, having virtually no contact with me, she is still furious at me, or likely herself and the situation. I sat there looking at her email, and thought "she's gotta be kidding!" That's what a month of distance has done for me. I'm no longer accepting all the blame. She can blame me all she wants, and I know I've failed her in many ways. It doesn't change anything, and I'm moving forward.

I'm slowing realizing in my heart and not just my head that I'm gonna be ok without this chaos in my life, and not just ok, but better off in the long run.

[FindingMyVoice]

You know what this reminds me of? Something I remember hearing in one of MWD's audiobooks. I don't know if I can remember it quite completely. This is what I do remember but please correct me if I'm wrong. And sorry if this is pretty elementary and obvious. It just popped into my mind when I read your post so thought I'd share:

After the WA has left, don't they gradually come to realize that despite their original assumption (that the spouse was the 'cause' of 'all' their worldly unhappiness) that they're still unhappy? (Which of course makes sense to us because we know that another person can never be the 'cause' of anyone's unhappiness.) But to them, I'm thinking that must not only be fairly confusing to them, it must make them mad! So they continue to look for external things to blame for their discontent. Geez that must be awful to have to deal with. But good on you for no longer accepting all the blame! And good show, too, on not getting sucked into a bad pattern replying to her emails trying to defend and show her you didn't do what she's accusing you of. What a terrific place you seem to be coming to... good work! And even better to see happier days in the future for yourself. Way to go Awoken. PG

[TimeHeals]

Sorry to hear this. Sometimes the person leaving the relationship can be angry about leaving because of the consequences or because it didn't fix the problem they were trying to fix or even because they still blame the person they left for making them leave.

What can you do? If it was a stranger, you'd feel kind of sad for them that they are having such a hard time.

[Gardener]

Awoken,

I'm slowing realizing in my heart and not just my head that I'm gonna be ok without this chaos in my life, and not just ok, but better off in the long run.

There ya go.

[Awoken]

(((PG)))
Thanks!

I haven't heard the audio books; just "divorce busting" and "divorce remedy". I actually came to DB during the first year of my marriage, when W had her first affair. There were no forum then, and I'm so glad it's here now!

You bring up a great point, and I'm not sure why I haven't thought of it exactly that way. I'm sure she is going through a crisis and things are not as good as she hoped.

Yes, she is still unhappy, and will likely continue to be until she deals with her drinking problem, and gets back on her meds. So, of course, its not about me.