Just to let you know..... I'm still alive.

[Between Tears]

Just had the best day! Spent the morning getting stuff done, then found out D was in town, at a track meet with her school friends. Dick was drinking with his bud, the ex tenant farmer, so I was free to find D and spend what I thought was only going to be a few hours, but turned into 6 hours, with the last 2 with my son and his girlfriend.

It was just us, the way it used to be. We were all jumpy thinking Dick was going to show up soon, and they discussed how it affected us. It was good to hear the kids talk freely, expressing their thoughts. They really do understand, they see the true him, they see what he has done, they have learned to live with him defensively, know exactly how to deal with him... yet, listened closely for the sound of the car he was driving.

What they call it, instead of eggshells, is a show. Even D has said that even when she does exactly what dick wants her to do, he's still not satisfied, not happy with who she is.... I told her to not take it personally, it has nothing to do with her... and she interupted me to say she already knew that, it's he that is not happy with himself. I smiled, and just listened. She's still young enough to think she can show him what he is doing, BUT, there's no chance of that happening.

She did let me know (during a rant about him) that he is still self medicating, still drinking, and it's becoming more heavier as the time goes on. When he drinks, he becomes philisophical, (her description) and then he turns the discussion to me, how I was never happy with anything he did, how he could never make me happy, and then begins to list every mistake I ever made, all my faults, and forces her to listen.

Okay, it's 6 years post divorce, he needs to get over it! D says she knows the truth, and what he has is all justification for what he did, and she can see he is self deluded. She is also talking about coming home as soon as school is out. She misses being a family. She says she feels more acceptance at her friends house than she does with in her Father's house.

Her Father has her walking back and forth from school. Took her keys, stole $250 from her bank account, and told her the bike she bought for $2000 is now his, until she can pay him the $500/month rent. He's taken away her phone, put a pass code on the computer so she can't talk to me, has isolated her from all her friends.

It's only due to my son's girlfriend that I found out she was at the track meet. I couldn't reach my son, and that's because he was with his Father. S gave his phone to D, and D didn't know how to call out on the phone, nor did she know how to text me, otherwise, she would have texted me. She was so surprised to see me at the meet.

Tomorrow my S graduates from High School. There are going to be Socials all over the place, however, the only one I'll go to is my S's girlfriends, which Dick may just show up at. Wish me luck!

Oh, and if your wondering about Jane. Well, D has gotten herself in trouble, all because Jane isn't the brightest bulb in the box, and D tries to communicate with her, sometimes struggling to find words she will understand. Jane sees this in D, becomes upset and feels D is talking down to her, which D isn't, but just trying to find a way to talk with her. Anyway, Jane gets upset anyway, goes to Dick and complains. Dick gets after D for it, and this is a large part of why D is being punished.

Then Dick will turn around and make comment to Jane about her lack of table manners, or sometimes her inability to keep up with him intellectually. D says he's pretty harsh, and she wouldn't do that to Jane, she's just trying to meet her half way.

I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. I do see that my family will be back together soon... and we will have the happiness we deserve! Just need a bit more patience, more strength, and keep on moving forward.