The back and forth rollercoaster of negative emotions is a normal one to go through; as all the feelings have to be processed..and sometimes it seems to be MORE than you can handle.
So, you handle one at a time; it's NOT easy to do.
I cannot give advice on how to help small children cope; our son was 15 when my husband was going through his MLC, and old enough to see what was going on..plus old enough to ask questions...even as far as trying to talk me into getting a divorce, as he said I didn't deserve what was happening...he'd observed and heard his dad talking to me like I was the very dirt under his feet more than once...and husband at that time did NOT care that son was in the room with us.
I took the high road with son, explained what I could, and made it clear that right or wrong, husband was STILL his dad, and I would handle the situation, not to worry. But son did worry, even down the point of making sure I was ok, and sticking closely to me at times...it didn't stop husband from spewing, but I think son was afraid at that time that husband would do something to me physically....it never happened, thank God.
I DO know the children need to be protected as much as humanly possible, as there's no telling what kind of damage gets done to them.
All you can continue to do is detach from his drama, get on with your life, learn as much as you can about this monster, get what life lessons you'll need to learn from this experience, and pray if you're a believer.
God is control of the situation, and letting go is the best thing you can do, besides detaching and creating an emotional distance from his drama....you cannot help him, you can only help yourself.
There are NO guarantees, only possibilities, and you can only hope he comes through and chooses to continue with his marriage and his family. There is NO time limit on this crisis at all...it is up to the individual going through, as it is an emotional battle within HIM.
As each individual is different, each crisis is different, what will work for one will NOT work for another...it depends upon the emotional damage suffered in childhood, and how many issues they must face and heal within.
This is a time to "take stock" of where they've come from, where they have been and where they are going with their lives.
Unfortunately some panic and run away, getting stuck in the stage of Replay(forever trying to be young, self medicating with a number of things designed to avoid their issues); but on the flip side of the coin, some come through, facing all they need to face, and come on out changed for the better in preparation for the next half of their lives.
There will be similarities, but no one crisis will come out exactly the same, each individual person IS different in how they face/run away from this crisis.
It will take time for you to adjust and really begin to understand what has happened..then all you can do is work on YOU, and hope the MLC'er will come to his senses, and make the necessary changes, in that process learning the SAME lessons you will be learning.
The path he is on, and the one you are on are separate at this time. You will most always be ahead of him, as you are considered the "strong" one.
This is NOT going to be easy to navigate, and the more you learn, the more knowledge you will gain, as knowledge is indeed, power.
There is not much more I can tell you, my own experience was such that my husband didn't leave home physically, but he did leave mentally. He had his time over the road as a truck driver at that time, but there was a time when I had to deal with him for a little over three months as he was home full-time, because he was unable to find a job.
Through all the threats he made to leave, I never asked mine to leave; as I knew if I did, he would not have returned...I knew him THAT well. My choice.
This does NOT work for everyone...each person knows their limits, and I never did reach mine; only endured the best I knew how during the time he was in my face.
I hope some of this will help you; you are welcome to ask questions of me; I will answer based on my own experiences.
You will find, in time, that you will be all right regardless of how this comes out....you cannot see this clearly now, but you will.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
