W came home from work. I said "There is something I would like to talk to you about."
We go upstairs and sit down on the bed. I told her the following
"I got a call from rob, at first I did not know it was, he said he was calling because his W had just called him, hysterical, talking about how you two are still talking"
My W had this look of shock in her eyes.
I went on to say
"He admitted, that you two are still talking, not like it was but still having conversations"
Now my W is filing her nails, something she does when she gets stressed out...
and said "yeah nothing like it was"
I said, the point is, he made a commitment to his W that he would end all communication with you and he failed to do that, and she found out now she is very upset.
My W started to talk about OMW as if she knows something I don't. W became very upset, I could see it in her face and detect it in her voice she wanted to cry.
W started to say how she does not understand why OMW won't just leave her alone ect.
I said "She is trying to protect her marriage, she sees you as a threat, it also sounds like he is trying to work on his marriage as well, he told me what he did for her for his W birthday and for mothers day, he said things were going great in his marriage till today"
W once again ignored what OM had said and went back to talking about OMW.
somewhere in our conversation I mentioned protecting our marriage and she said "That's nothing" as if it did not matter.
Also when I said how OM and OMW talked about how good their marriage is going and OMW is protecting her marriage my W said "Well I'm glad THEY'RE marriage is happy but what does that have to do with me, I'm sick of people watching over me"
I said to W "From what I was told, he is not going to speak to you anymore, not even a "hi" ." and she shrugged her shoulders and said "fine"
I then said "Since we are on this topic I want to tell you something that was said at the party a couple weeks back when your co-workers were there..." I went on to tell her how other people they work with try to distance themselves form him because he a chronic liar and bullsh*ter. Then I gave a specific example, one of which he has been feeding my W that is a lie, so I pretty much revealed the truth to her via 3rd party perspective.
W wanted to know who said this or what did they look like, I told he I don't remember because there was a group of us standing talking and I was focused on the hockey game at the time.
W very upset with OMW but not OM, she just does not get it.
W, as far as I can tell, does not suspect that I had anything to do with this or at least she did not lash out at me.
I started to talk to W about job application she should complete, telling her it is the opportunity she had been waiting for, don't let it pass her by, she worked too hard on her education not to apply. She gave in and we started to fill out the application...turns out due to residency requirements her application was rejected.
W then started to tell me a few things that happened at work today, just dumb people as she would put it...
We talked about how stressful her job is...
W said some woman told her "You have a great figure" I said to my W "She is right, you do."
I then had to run a few errands, W asked in my travels if I could pick up something for her...
W was conviced that OMW/OM would call back and asked that I leave my phone, so I told W to give me her phone, W said she wanted to hold onto all three. I said "let me see your phone" she opened it up and showed me her recent call history and said "I have nothing to hide"
I knew she was hiding something but I held back and said nothing
I left and returned an hour or so later, W was laying in bed, looking down and out. We had a brief convo about a couple things and here we are now....
I kept a very cool head through it all, W did not lash out at me but was VERY upset with OMW, she also seems depressed now.
I pretty much made it so that ALL pressure was coming from OMW. I did not want to stir things up between her and I.
I stayed calm and upbeat, I hope I did well and got the point across...I am sure I am leaving things out...
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
YOu handled it well... She was baiting you to argue about OMW, but it sounds like you were shrewd enough to not take the bait.. you let her rant about OMW and just let it go... good going!
She's gonna sulk for a few days, so try to not do anything to set her off... okay?
If OMW can be more public about OM's commitment to her and actions he's doing... public so your wife will get the message that OM is NOT going there... that would likely help... all she sees or hears is what HE tells her and what her imagination cooks up... if OMW can start posting her positives on her facebook I suspect that your wife will read them and get the hint...
After, I had comeback home, it has not come back up. W slept for most of the night. I had feel to sleep myself, W woke up and took shower ect... W then laid back in bed and we watched TV until she went to bed just a few min ago.
When we spoke it was not as bitter as I anticipated. I carried on as if earlier did not happen. Not sure if that is the correct thing to do but I did not want to project my dissapointment in the situation and feed into any negative emoitions she is having.
My W does seem mopy. OM is working tomorrow, W probably feels anxious about going to work.
should it concern me that W is not as bitter toward as she had been in the past when we had OM discussions?
The one image that continues to enter my mind over and over again is my W typing "I want Rob" in google search.
What course of action do I take? Do I distance myself and make little conversation as possible or do I continue to DB as I was before this discovery?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I will read over the FT's tomorrow, can't type much...
There's too many variables to suggest much at the moment... just let her mope and be supportive...
the one drawback of intel is that it CAN traumatize those without the stomach to get past it...
Just keep up the dbing... I do think its making a dent...
Seriously OIN lets ask this question.. if your wife REALLY wanted to leave is there NOWHERE she could go?
I am just wondering why if she is so determined to exit why she hasn't done so... I honeslty think she has her doubts too... do NOT bring that up.. EVER... it is tantamount to challenging her to walk out.
I don't think so. Besides those 'friends' at work, she has no friends. She has family she could possibly go to but I don't think she wants them to know our issues, I think she feels embarrassed.
She said at one point "people keep telling me to leave and get out of this bad situation" She said her father and father's GF had said this. She also said that her father offered/suggested she come stay with him, she turned down the offer because it is 2 hours away from her work place (one way).
That is the reasoning my W gave me, so I heard often
- I am counting down the days - Soon as my father has the place ready, I am leaving - I am just co-existing
and so on...
My W is so withdrawn and detached from everything that she does nothing. She has abandoned the care of our pets including feeding, cleaning up after ect. She puts no effort into the upkeep of our home. She just eats, sleeps, watches TV...
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
My W is so withdrawn and detached from everything that she does nothing. She has abandoned the care of our pets including feeding, cleaning up after ect. She puts no effort into the upkeep of our home. She just eats, sleeps, watches TV...
Right... THAT is going to make that bad situation dissappear all right...
These people are right, she DOES need to get out of the bad situation. Anyone in a marriage dealing with painful issues needs to get out of THAT situation, but that does NOT mean to get out of the marriage. It means to active do everything you can to IMPROVE the QUALITY of the marriage.
Soon it may be time to start hitting her with a few simple direct points like that when she complains.
Not put meanly, but when she says she's not happy, rather than blaming you ask herself what SHE can do HERE to IMPROVE things for the two of you... she doens't look like she's doing anything. Yah I know she did for ten years...
Well, it helped her then, and NOW she doens't do it... so guess what... her DOING that again would likely help...
