That doesn't sound bad. Boilerplate parenting time that is ordered by a judge here in the State of NY if one goes to trial is alternating weekends, alternating holidays, 2 weeks vacation in the summer and NO MIDWEEK parenting time. I was able to get 2 dinners midweek and 4 weeks vacation split equally with XW. As odd as this sounds, my L says I got the MOST parenting time of any father she has had here.
Keep looking at the positives. Chin up. FIB.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
It really looks like you are getting what you wanted out of the D. You may not have the title joint custody, but you are paying less, have less debt, and get the girls a lot of the time. It is a horrible situation, but at least things are working out well without there being a huge fight.
Have a good weekend.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
FIBS, the no midweek thing is crazy. How in the world do you maintain a relationship when you go 12 days without seeing them?
Going forward, I'll end up getting even more time for a while. STBXW still has the same job that requires mornings, nights, some weekends. I had the girls Monday night this week.
In the summer, if I can get out at 4 p.m. and pick them up and go swimming then I will. STBXW can pick them up when she gets home.
Awest, thanks. What I really want is an intact family. It's going to be interesting to see what happens to STBXW this year and in the future. Maybe she'll surprise me and turn out fine. I'd like to think I helped her keep it together these 14 years. We'll see.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Good way to keep costs down on weekend with girls -- sleepover. We picked up friends for D7 and D11 and they are having fun playing. D11, her friend and I played Texas Hold-Em for a while and I lost both games -- legitimately.
So far no fights and only a few raised voices.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Up and down day and I'm going to try an exercise to lift me out of a funk.
Good start to the day. The singles group I've joined has a lot of fun things going on this summer and most are on my free weekends. I love having a full calendar. It takes the "worry" out of weekends.
Got my work done. Another week of operating at 50 percent ... long stretches just staring at the screen or taking walks. Still, that's progress. This time last year I was maybe 25 percent efficiency. Honestly, I can't believe I've kept my job.
Had girls tonight and friends called and we had two over for a sleepover. It went really, really well. They weren't too loud. There was little fighting and ... the nutcase neighbor still complained. Jeez, give me a break. It's freaking Friday night. Can't we cut loose once?
Oh well.
Here's the funk. D11 was on her FB and she's friends with STBXW and I slipped on there for a minute and saw a post that made me wonder. It could be interpreted several ways -- some bad, some that would have nothing to do with me.
But then I started pacing. Why did I even look? I have to stop caring. I have to be stronger. I have to look at my life and the friends I've made and the possibilities that may open up once the D is final. I really want that second honeymoon. I really want to start a new R with someone with an adult CTH. I spent a lot of years focused on myself with STBXW and by the time I was really ready to focus on her she was done. The next one gets the improved CTH.
The book "The Journey from Abandonment to Hope" has some useful exercises -- and some silly ones, the talk with 'Little'? Here's one I'll try -- imagining myself two years from now.
Two years from now I should be in a house. Nothing too big. A nice two bedroom -- the larger one for the girls who continue to share a room.
It has a small deck in the back and a fenced yard for Maxine. Maxine is the dog I didn't want but STBXW bought anyway and then I was the one taking her on runs and letting her out at night to go potty.
It has a basement where I keep my weight lifting equipment, sports stuff and the washer and drier. It's big enough for a monthly poker game.
It has a two-car garage in back. The living room is a decent size and there's a small dining room. The kitchen is cozy. It's in a nice neighborhood where there are several families with kids the same age as mine. It's near a park.
The best thing about it is that it's ours. No having to worry about neighbors pounding on the walls.
Two years from now I will only think about STBXW occasionally. We've finally separated ourselves from each other in every way -- the family house sold finally and all of the tax issues are settled -- except for our daughters, who still adore both of us.
I don't hate STBXW anymore. I've given that emotion up. She continues to be a troubled person who no longer wanted my help. The time we spent together is settling into a nice memory. When I get to Heaven St. Peter won't be asking me why I failed with STBXW, instead he'll pat me on the back for trying so hard to help one of God's troubled children.
I'll be seriously seeing someone new. Since it's my imagination, I'll imagine it's someone from the growth group I joined at church. Perhaps the 30ish lady. Joining that group was perhaps the scariest thing I did because I'm not religious. I've never been religious. My beliefs are about the last thing in the world I like to discuss. But in that group I opened up and found real conversation.
Two years from now, I'll be seriously contemplating whether this person is the "right" one and whether to tell the girls. When I don't have them, me and my new love will take walks or ride bikes. She said she likes to snowboard and I love to learn new things. My life is unfolding in ways I never thought it could. I sit back and wonder how I believed I could make the old R work, one where there was no interest in my life at all.
Two years from now I will have regained my motivation. Instead of taking sleeping pills to avoid sleepless nights I'm up late writing and researching. The reason I can't sleep now is that there's so much to do, so much to see.
Two years from now my daughters will be thriving and happy to see their father finally fully happy.
Two years from now I will have gone 24 straight months of paying more into my credit cards than what I spent on them. The money issues that were so pressing are fading away because of discipline. The line "success comes from doing things correctly time and time again" is my mantra. I don't preach to my daughters anymore. I live by example.
Two years from now I will still be looking to add to my friendships instead of settling into a tired routine. Life withers when you let it. I learned that once.
Two years from now the grass will be greener where I stand.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Kids running all over the place. We're trying to decide how to spend the day -- rock climbing, a fundraiser at a school north of here and then 2:30 p.m. out to a small zoo so D11 can have her picture taken with a llama that she won a naming contest for. She picked the name Gracie and the staff liked it.
Don't you find the day after a shock is always better. Time heals. Time heals. Time heals.
Exercise one from the abandonment book -- Stay In The Moment.
That's in a lot of books -- focus on the now, today, not yesterday, tomorrow or two months from now.
How to do that?
Here's some of the book's ideas:
Listen to background noises.
Close your eyes to identify the sounds you hear.
Focus on your breathing.
Today is May 15, 2010. It's the only one I'll ever get.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Another good and relatively inexpensive day. Made it to the 11 a.m. service. I wasn't really into the sermon much. A year ago when my life was cratering I clung to every word. Now. Not so much. Perhaps it's a signal I have my feet under me again.
We ate at our restaurant after and then hit the really nice park behind the church.
We had plans to go bowling, shopping and hit golf balls, but ... they were tired after the park so we rested a bit and then all of the neighbor kids came over and before you know it it was 7 p.m. and I had to make them dinner and give them baths.
Interesting memory of STBXW today. When we were at the park I remembered the countless times the four of us went to the park. And I don't really remember any fun times. There was one day back when D11 was 2 where STBXW had a day off and I took an afternoon off and we went to the park and it was a really good time.
Other than that, the kids would be playing and STBXW for the most part would sit there silently. I can't read her at all, even after 15 years, and she'd tell me she had a great day, that she didn't need to talk and laugh to have fun. She likes the silence.
Me? It always made me uncomfortable. She just never seemed to enjoy my or our company. The only things she'd talk about was her job or her family.
I missed being a part of an intact family today, but I did not miss her.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
