sage - always can count on you to remind me that these are ok feelings - i think i went thru my mlc back when i turned 30 - ugh, it wasn't fun, but most of it's a blur - but I'm sad and mad at myself for what I've let go...particularly since it's not how I "view" myself - that is it in a nutshell, watch out for my own 2x4 beating in my update...
deb - always can count on you to bring a smile to my face. you are the eternal optimist deb, even tho you have your down periods, you really never let them get you all the way down ya know? thanks darlin for the hugs and the smiles, you are priceless
mal - always can count on you to bring reality back into any situation. you are really a force to be reckoned with mal, you are my hero(ine) - i am gonna hold you to You'll get past this slump. Trust me...the good times are right around the corner - cause you see, i do finally believe this
pam - always can count on you to do the greatest 180's - pam, you are growing in leaps and bounds and i have to say it's mostly because of you that i am gonna give myself a proper beating in my update today. now sweetie, that is not a negative, that is a huge positive for you have shown me that no matter how we feel about ourselves at any given moment we can rise above it. and i am finally gonna take your lead
cathy - always can count on you to give the greatest example of DETACHMENT - you are indeed the poster child on this. i am striving to be just like you - and after my update, i am working on it
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POSITIVES
these are from the past week where i didn't mention any of them, altho there have been plenty.
1) went to the movies with daughter and hubby on thanksgiving day to see the cat in the hat, had a great time together, both of us laughed our heads off and daughter sure did love us being together as a "mini" family
2) monday night i was feeling really under the weather, sneezeing alot and i had not one thing in the house to take that could make me feel better. hubby ended up making me a "hot totty" (whiskey, spiced tea, lemon and sweetener) - i had no idea he was making it, he just knew i was miserable and made it for me - i was DUMBSTRUCK
3) went shopping together last night - had a great time shopping - i am really enjoying shopping with him - planning our meals for the week
4) had in laws over for dinner on sunday (first time since the bomb) - i fixed dinner (turkey and trimmings) and he was especially impressed - said i was turning into quite the southern cook - even said something about my gravy - he says "i am hard to please on turkey gravy and this was PERFECT"
5) his little business is going well, we work together every morning to get his packages together to mail out, he tells me tuesday morning "i really appreciate all the support and help you have given me getting this off the ground"
6) i had a seminar to attend yesterday, i called him on the way to ask him if i could take a little cash out to get me and daughter some lunch - he told me, meet me, take the credit card and go to eat mexican (he knows i absolutely ADORE mexican food) - he told me get what i want and have a good time with daughter (he hates mexican and never goes with me but having him encourage me to go was a first for him)
7) had a wonderful mother/daughter day yesterday - she went with me to the seminar and then we ate mexican, i had a couple of beers and she was thrilled with her sprite and hot cheese dip and chips! i thanked hubby profusely when i got home for giving us the opp to get out and have a good time (money is tight so this was a stretch)
8) hubby, daughter and i laid in bed for about 20 minutes this morning actually really enjoying each others company. hubby and i were cracking up how alike daughter and his youngest son is (he is not mine) in mannerisms and the likes, it's even scary, and we were cracking up together
9) decided to try something different since monday for my morning hugs goodbye - it is usually a pretty superficial hug from him but since monday i have been holding on longer, not letting him go and he is actually putting a little more feeling into it - so i will keep doing what works
10) i am alive and kicking - have a beautiful daughter, and two gorgeous step sons who are doing well in school - i have much to be thankful for ... which brings me to this ...
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MY 2X4 WHACKING - as inspired by T2 and LostLove
ok kitti, this is getting fricken ridiculous - ever hear of LIVING IN THE NOW??? oh yeah, how many times does BILLM have to hit you over your head for that piece of information???
what does living in the now exactly mean kitti? it means don't focus on tomorrow and the anxieties it will bring (don't you remember dufus that the bible says that too???) for you don't even know if tomorrow will come. so why not make the best of today that you can? so does that mean sitting on your fat fanny and let life pass you by???? um, can you say NO WAY JOSE????
when i woke up this morning i realized that god granted me another day of life on this earth, and it wasn't to look at his gift with disdain and pity for the situation you are in, cause remember sweetie, that there are others in this world (shoot, even on this board) that have it worse than you.
be thankful damnit for the blessings you do have. sure your 41 (damn that is old) but that doesn't mean you are half way into the grave, you have plenty of life ahead of you - enjoy it - you have a gorgeous daughter with no physical ailments - you have two wonderful step sons that love you and think you walk water and have been a great mother figure for them for close to 10 years. you have done well partnering with their father to make them respectful, intellegent and focused children and you don't have to worry about drugs and or bad influences in thier lives at this point - so enjoy them - count your blessings
you have a home, sure it's not a mansion, but remember you told hubby before you married him that you would live in a cardboard box with him if you had to. you changed that when you had your daughter and told him, ok, i can't live in a cardboard box but a tin box will do. you have a car that runs, you eat well, you have your health
you have a husband that is home, and for today he is not planning on going anywhere. he is your friend, and he has told you NUMEROUS times before, even since the bomb that you are his best friend, and he appreciates all that you have done in your time together. he shows each and every day that he loves you by going to work (even when it's nasty), calling you numerous times during the day and sharing his life with you, even if it is just for today - he is constantly wondering if your ok, and if your feeling ok, and shares his life with you.
so snap out of it already. sure this sucks, but you can't change what happened, you can only move forward. so do it already, stop sitting on the side lines to wait for him to come around. start living life for you, do what makes YOU happy, cause if your not happy with yourself how can anyone else be happy with you. if and only if you are happy with yourself will things start to change
stop feeling that your life has been a waste. you have a legacy - it's your daughter and she deserves the best damn life you can give her, not one where a mom is constantly in the dumps, but one that is constantly HAPPY and THRILLED that this day is here and you have another chance to show her (and hubby and step sons) how much you love them and cherish the time you have together.
so get up off your fat fanny, right now, and start living. get out that damn dr book and start focusing on goals to make you a better person, one that hubby could eventually fall in love with again.
do it kitti, your letting life pass you by.
whew - as t2 would say, that is gonna leave a mark.
LOVE THIS POST!!! LOVE THIS POST!!! Geez, what is happening here, is EVERYONE on the way UP??? The cycles on this board are making me seasick... but like they say, STAY ON THE BOAT, regardless how the waves are! You are sounding AWESOME kitti!!!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
