I am sure when the softly softly approach doesn't work to get you to answer he will use the getting 'mad' strategy to see if that works.
He is so confused with your stance at the moment. I know it is difficult but he needs to know that you won't tolerate this backwards and forwards dance with OW. He has a major decision to make.
Although difficult you are strong enough to continue on your path and we all pray for a positive outcome for you both.
Mila, I share this little story with you, maybe to show just how scewed my MLCer view of the world is.
At the end of March I made a conscious decision to remove my kisses from the end of the texts I sent my husband (there was maybe ne a day and only about the children) - I know.... I know why was I still sending my love to him each text ...but I was back then and decided to stop. A few days later my husband stood in my hallway, near to tears one evening saying he felt their had been a serious deterioration in our relationship - it turns out he HAD noticed I'd stopped putting kisses on my texts and he was really upset and offended by it.
He has been a complete monster since too it has to be said - so I suppose I'm sharing this with you so that you are forewarned and therfore ready for when he notices any changes you make towards him and starts to change his behaviour towards you to get a different reaction out of you.
I think you should be the person you need to be with your husband - what he might do or how he might react shouldn't stop you being true to yourself.
I know you are a strong lady and very open to the learning this journey is throwing your way. You seem to have a good take the whole situation and your husband - nice balance!
lalxx
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
AJM - They want to have the best of both words...cake eating is right.
Libby - I can see him being upset that I'm ignoring him. We will see if he lets me know. Well he has the OW to listen to him complain about me.
lalxx - Since the bomb I've observed that the "seesaw" effect works with us to some degree, but not enough to bring him back. I've noticed that when I "cool off" towards him he reaches out to me more...but as I said not enough to make any difference to the situation with OW.
I still think that being dark at this particular time is the right decision for me...I have to find my footing again. As for the long run, friendly with boundaries would be more "true" to me. I also believe that they have to see you as the person they would want to be with (person they fell in love with in the first place) to turn back to you.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, the advice you liked about Libby being dressed to kill and having somewhere to be, would you be able to make something like that work for you if your H decides your business meeting needs to turn personal?
Don't know if your business allows that kind of flexibility, but it would give you an out from answering questions you may not want to deal with at the time...
SA - I already played that card quite a few times before the last false R. Always got compliments from H...you look great...I like the outfit etc etc. I did see that he was curious about what I was up to...but didn't asked where I'm going...sometimes I volunteered.
My plan is to continue to work on positive changes in me, look my best, mysterious, busy, keep him guessing and keep him out of balance...basically use any arsenal that I have at my disposition to keep him intrigued.
I'll try to incorporate that into our business and personal meetings. First of all I don't want to meet at MY house anymore (no more latte's and croissants for WH)...he can invite me over to his place if he wants to or we can meet at a coffee shop.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, JMO, but I would keep the meetings at the coffee shop. Less personal, more business like. Easier escape if convo turns toward R talk before you're ready.
Well, sometimes people HAVE to get mad to get better..and they can get glad in the same britches they got mad in.
My husband got extremely angry with me because I became someone he did NOT expect me to be. And, early on, he got angry because I distanced myself from him on account of OW. But, because of these things, in time, he had to THINK about what he was doing, and be led to believe through my actions and words I said to him that if he didn't do something he would lose me.
You are always gambling on the fact that the connection and love that is hidden deep within them because of history, marriage etc, is strong enough to turn them around and bring them back. There comes a time when you have to be willing to lose ALL to hopefully bring them forward, and back toward you.
Does this mean it's the end of trouble? No, it's not.
You eventually have to face their anger if they have any left, but don't take it personally....let it spin itself out.
OW Withdrawal is something else to face..Mila, you've faced this several times, and assuming he comes back to you, it will start ALL over once again....yet, I'm hoping OW is not anywhere to be found while that goes on again. Or, if she pursues, he gathers his strength to end it for all time.
From what I'd been brought to understand in my own situation, years ago, OW kept pestering my husband, making him feel guilty for "abandoning" her..yet, here I was on the other end, his wife, and the one who had always been there, and he stood to lose me(or at least he did in his mind; and my actions/words weren't helping him either)....he was caught between for a time, but he managed to gather enough strength to end it for all time.
But HE had to do it, I could not; she was HIS problem, not mine..that was really hard for me to deal with and watch as it happened and finally ended completely.
There is also the possibility they may break it off with OW, but start ANOTHER affair with yet another OW...so many possibilities that can happen during the MLC affair.
Quote:
I'll try to incorporate that into our business and personal meetings. First of all I don't want to meet at MY house anymore (no more latte's and croissants for WH)...he can invite me over to his place if he wants to or we can meet at a coffee shop.
My take is this: you would need to meet him in the coffee shop to discuss business; there is too much left to chance if you go over there OR he comes to your house. The coffee shop would be "neutral" ground, and he wouldn't dare throw a fit in front of a thousand strangers(well, I know I'm exaggerating, but a few people to them looks like a thousand)
I see he did send yet another email pushing the issue..and that doesn't surprise me at all.
Dance around the personal items, he's NOT dumb, though he's playing dumb...he may very well angry, but that may be good for him to get that way...but if he does, you can NOT let him see that it upsets you, or unbalances you...your tone must stay calm and matter of fact...if he sees that he can upset you with his anger, he will use that to try and control you...and you do NOT need that problem, it will compound an already rough situation.
Vent here or wait until you get home to cry/get upset...he must see you are operating from a position of strength.
Any emotion he sees will be interpreted by him as a sign of weakness, and there can be NO room for that.
That also means anger, irritation...all the negative emotions that one would normally convey displeasure with, will NOT have ANY affect on him.
I know this from hard experience.
It was so hard to watch my husband get angrier as I grew calmer in temperament..but I knew the anger was actually good for him to work out..so I watched, listened, and didn't say any more than I had to.
I also answered in ways that he never expected me to.
For example when he grew very angry at one point and threatened to withdraw himself from me...I only said "I love you anyway"
He said "I will not kiss you anymore" I said "I love you anyway."
He said "I will not give you any affection" I said "I love you anyway'
He said "I will no longer have sex with you" I said "That's ok, I love you anyway."
He said "I will leave this house." I said "If that is what you want to do, but I love you anyway."
I don't remember what else he threatened, but it wasn't physical violence...I'd endured that growing up as a child, and he KNEW I would have thrown him out and in jail if he'd done that, MLC or not.
His threats were mostly of an emotional nature, nothing serious, and nothing I couldn't handle.
Or hadn't handled before I was grown and married.
I had endured emotional deprivation, physical violence, developed abandonment issues, was a perfectionist, never felt I was good enough for anyone or anybody.
My parents never encouraged me to be the best I could be, they were always trying to tear down any confidence I was trying to develop while I was growing up. I wasn't supposed to think for myself, grow into an adult, none of those things.
My parents were controllers, controlling EVERYTHING I did.
Small wonder I married a man who was a controller, an emotional manipulator, he was also passive/aggressive and he withdrew himself from me if I didn't think like he did. I wasn't supposed to have a mind of my own. In his eyes I couldn't do anything right, I was "punished" by him withdrawing his love from me...much like my dad did when I was growing up.
It's a wonder I didn't have anymore problems than I did, but I had my share of them...and faced them ALL as his MLC went on, and again during my transition.
I could go on, but this is enough to give you an idea of where I came from, and where I have gotten to in my life.
You could say I'd been equipped for a time such as this..I had also learned at a young age that the best way to handle crazy people is to be silent and watch them; my mother was also mentally ill and abusive as well.
Son was NOT raised the way I was; he never had to feel unloved, was always encouraged to be the best he could be, and I always told him that I didn't care what he did for a living as long as he was happy. I showed him love, care, and raised him to stand on his own; as we are SUPPOSED to raise our children to do. Nothing is to be gained by "holding on" to our children..we will not always be here, and they must be taught to care for themselves. This is MY belief and thoughts on that matter. In essence, it was the complete OPPOSITE of the way I was raised.
I love and loved him enough to do this for him, and I will let him go when it is time for him to move on with his life...and that time is very close now.
You cannot help others unless you have been there yourself..and I would not feel right counseling people if I hadn't endured and survived what I've already seen within my life as a whole.
Everything I faced happened for a reason, and I may never know the WHOLE reason, but in part it was so I could help others and benefit others from my experience.
Strength is gained from enduring and learning from what we face in our daily lives..there is something new to be learned each and every day.
It is not what we endure, but the attitude we have DURING what we face.
Now, granted, not all of us are always going to have a right attitude ALL the time, I certainly didn't. I complained in some ways just as much or even worse than the Israelites that wandered 40 years in the wilderness did.
After awhile, I realized that no matter what I said/did; this wasn't just going to go away, and I really needed to stop complaining and just get to work on ME. LOL!!
I KNOW the Lord cheered loudly when He saw the attitude change that began with me, and finished with HIM.
I was a problem child. LOL!!
But, you know He never gave up on me, just kept being patient with me, throughout...continually assuring me we would make it through, and things would get better.
I often felt like a donkey with a carrot on a stick..as He never showed me all things at once, they were always in pieces as I could handle the upcoming events.
But God DOES deal with us that way..our human minds will NOT comprehend all things at one time...we must be led along.....
One step at a time, one day at a time.
But He's there to help us, guide us, and be with us, and, most importantly, He's there walking WITH us.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I still think that being dark at this particular time is the right decision for me...I have to find my footing again. As for the long run, friendly with boundaries would be more "true" to me. I also believe that they have to see you as the person they would want to be with (person they fell in love with in the first place) to turn back to you.
This is your intuition(I call it the Lord) speaking to you, Mila. And you are right on the mark.
You've no idea how many times I've read what you've said your "intuition" impresses/tells you to do, and I've gotten confirmation that you're on the right track, and to keep doing what you're doing.
Pay strict attention to what you're feeling...I know I've said this before; it won't steer you wrong. You'll have the feeling to do or say certain things at certain times, and although you may be afraid, do it anyway...it is meant to help the situation along, and bring him forward more.
This does NOT mean you are being sucked into his drama when you obey your inner gut feeling/intuition...it simply means your interaction is needed at certain points of this.
There ARE certain times when the LBS is guided into doing/saying things that are against what they've been raised with and it is for good reason, to help the MLC'er come forward.
I've been there..there were times I was told to leave him be, and at other times, I had to get involved, as it meant him coming forward, and I had to do and say exactly what I was told at the right time, and I always KNEW what the right time was.
I was AFRAID every time I received an instruction of that sort to approach him, but courage is born out of fear, and I stepped out, anyway, trusting that things would be all right, and they were.
Sometimes, after being instructed to do something/say something, it may take some time to show the results, but the results always DO show.
Each person/MLC situation is different and not every situation is going to require the SAME kind of handling...what worked for me, might not work for someone else..just as what works for you, will not work for another.
I have seen people's intuition actually strengthened through this trial, becoming a greater strength than it was BEFORE the trial commenced. And that can only be beneficial to OTHERS that come after you.
Through exercising this particular gift, you will see it grow and strengthen on its own, becoming MORE confident in it's presence.
I have to admit when I first heard a voice in my head that I instinctively recognized, I was startled. I had to adjust to hearing someone besides ME in my head, and I was afraid to tell anyone for fear they would think I was schizophrenic, or worse, crazy.
My fears were calmed when I realized WHO it was, and there is a physical sensation that acccompanies that voice...He was consistent with His presence within me, and in time I adjusted to His presence within.
I had felt Him in other ways, as I have other gifts, BUT actually hearing Him was very new to me. Before, I had had impressions/feelings that were never clear in their intentions.
I had to learn to allow Him in to speak to me, and I'd asked for Him to do that.
He will NOT force His way in, you have to allow it to happen, and when you LEARN to yield to Him, it becomes natural, but even that takes time to come about.
It had just struck me once again, as the Lord was confirming, yet again, that He is involved in this situation...and is helping you, Mila.
When God is for us, WHO can be against us?
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Mila, I took off a few days to focus on myself, and just got back to your thread.
I have to tell you something from my sitch. I was trying to go dark and not succeeding, trying to detach, not succeeding... but when I ready my H's emails, he used a lot of what I was doing, saying and our lives together against me to OW. The things he told her were awful.
Not saying your H is doing the same, but it may be happening. You're probably right to think he's complaining about you to her. Keep that in mind when you're thinking of caving.
