Not sure which way to go anymore

[lees]

Took the new medication last night and I think it helped, I only woke up twice instead of hourly like the night before. Already looking forward to bed time tonight when I can take it again and sleep some more.

Good. You will start feeling much better. The melatonin shouldn't react with any antiDs that I can think of. Used to use it a lot when I did geriatrics, and more recently in PICU, so plenty of folks on ADs. Different mechanism of action. So if you wanted to in the future it would be OK.

I keep thinking how if he would just come back then everything in my life would drastically improve. I'd be happy, not cry anymore, not be late to work anymore because I'm too depressed and tired to get going in the morning. I'd have a reason to cook meals and eat.

Now you know this isn't true. It wouldn't be a bed of roses if he came back. But you can make it better for yourself. And you must, because if he does come back it's gonna be one rough journey and you need to be the best you can be to survive it.

I wish I could take my own advice as well as I dole it out!

Now keep that chin up Mystik. We're all here for and with you. ((((()))))

So what are you having to eat today? What one thing are you doing for YOU today?

[Mystik]

Got an e-mail from H today that had me in tears at my desk, and not in a good way. He e-mailed me to let me know he is definitely taking DS tonight then said, "I suppose the days of going to the movies together are over…" He wants to take DS to see Iron Man 2 and asked if I had plans to bring DS to see it. I simply replied I had no plans to take DS to see that movie.

I want to scream at him "WHYYYYY? Why are you doing this to me, to us? We are stronger than this, I know it." I want to tell him the door isn't closed for him to come back to me. I want to be able to talk to him like friends, the way we were before OW dropped the pregnancy bomb. I want to call my SIL and ask if H is having any regrets. I want find out something, anything that will give me reason to keep hoping. I just feel so strongly that we are meant to be, that this will work out and OW won't have that baby. I feel that when I move next year to get DS in a better school district, I'll be moving with H. I hate this, the agony and uncertainty of not knowing what the future holds for H and I. It's breaking me.

On a side note, I'm so glad I have this place where I can vent and scream and cry and know that I am being understood, that my feelings are valid, no matter how many times I repeat myself.

I've learned something about myself by reading Co-Dependent books and the Journey from Abandonment to Healing book. I've learned that I am emotionally broken. No wonder I wasn't able to have a mature relationship with H, between his emotional damages and mine it was just one hot mess. And I feel that I'm so emotionally damaged that any relationship I attempt to have will go wrong at some point. I don't think the damage can even be repaired at this point, I am that messed up.

[Mystik]

Lees, I have been craving pasta salad so tonight I got the ingredients and made one. It was good, but tomorrow will be even better after it sits overnight.

And you're right, it won't be a bed of roses when he comes back. So I do need to pick myself up and get working on making my life better so when he does come back I'm ready.

[LSG]

Mystik,

I have not posted in awhile to you, but you seem to be doing much better these day. I know it is still hard for you, but making the pasta salad is a good way to help make yourself feel better.

If you and you H do reconcile, he sure will know what he has been missing. Keep focusing on yourself and your needs, and it will help you to cope with your sitch better.

I have my ups and downs like today, but the downs are not as bad, as long, and intense. I move a little forward everyday, and you are too.

[Abbey]

And you're right, it won't be a bed of roses when he comes back. So I do need to pick myself up and get working on making my life better so when he does come back I'm ready.

Welcome to the next step. *hugs*

Yes, it won't be a bed of roses, and yes, you'll feel at times like you're NEVER going to get rid of the pain you feel, felt and it will creep up and bite you in the rear when you least expect it. But that's for later.

You said you feel beyond messed up in your vent post. Yep, yep and yep. There comes a point when you look inward and feel so broken, so completely spent and ripped apart that you'll never be whole again.

A song from a Canadian band has the lyric, "I've been torn apart, put back together with a couple of pieces in wrong."

It takes a long, long time to get over that. But the answer lies within. When you say: . So I do need to pick myself up and get working on making my life better so when he does come back I'm ready,... that's where you need to "get to".

I'll say it again... this thing with H and OW isn't going to last. Baby or no baby. And yeah, I wished mine's tramp would lose it, get hit by a bus and I hoped til the day she delivered that she'd just get struck by lightning. And yeah, even now, with her/and kid not in the picture, I still wish the whole lot of her and her demon spawn would just get vaporized. *smile* It's a coping mechanism to learn to put them out of your mind and not spend time and wasted energy thinking about her, when you can and should be thinking about your future plans to outlast her.

And that's what I had to decide to do. YEAH, I knew I could turn out the loser still,... hubs may have decided to go to her even with everything I did to lay the crumbs for him to find back to me. It's a chance we take. You need to really sit down and DECIDE... what are you going to do about this. Make a decision, stick with it and plan and go forward. If you want him back, you're going to have to get over this whole baby thing. Think of it as a done deal, and put it on the shelf. If she loses it, bonus, if she doesn't, you won't be trashed when she delivers.

Just KNOW... and I do mean this with everything in me: You have a 98% chance that this H and OW thing IS doomed. Bide your time. Use it well. Lay the crumbs in the forest to find his way back to you. Go into it knowing that even when he's back to you... it won't be easy... you'll hate him at times, even though he's back with you. You'll even contemplate once you've won... to leave him. Yep... unimaginable now to you... but that's what you face, those are some of the hurdles you'll have to deal with inside once you get on to the next phase of this thing.

In order to be ready... you need to BE READY. So again,... in your own words: I do need to pick myself up and get working on making my life better so when he does come back I'm ready.


*hugs*
Abbey

[Mystik]

LSG ~ Definitely taking things one day at a time. I am slowly getting better, though when I'm in the midst of it seeing that progress is very difficult.

Abbey ~ Again, I thank you for your wise words. I am trying to lay the crumbs as I start to gather myself back together. More on the crumbs in the next post. It is so not easy to pull myself together again when every time I see him it reopens the wound and I feel so raw and in anguish again.

[Abbey]

Thus why you have to limit contact as I had to during the "next phase" of us working our way back to each other.

That old saying grandma said about giving the "milk for free" etc... applies here. Keeping him "away" as much as possible so that you have the time to work on you is paramount. Difficult, I know *hugs*... esp with DS,... but it works in your best interest.

Also, there will come a day when he'll drop a crumb of his own... that's when you say: The door is opened an inch... you want back in... YOU have to work at it. Hardest thing that ever came out of my mouth to my H... and will be for you too... esp when you just want to drag them in and say... come home. They have to want it so bad they can taste. Absence/heart grows fonder etc.

*hugs*
Abbey

[Mystik]

Abbey ~ I need to carry you in my pocket at all times, you are a wise one. I will surely do my best to remember not to welcome him back with wide open arms when he wants to return. I say when because I honestly don't believe any thing different.

[Mystik]

I've been feeling much calmer and a bit stronger lately. Not sure if it's because I'm feeling so confident that H is going to return, I just have to wait out the tramp. And I do truly feel that H is going to return, sooner rather than later.

[Mystik]

Sorry I never made it back last night, DS pulled me away from the computer and I never got back to it.

So, yesterday was full of contact with H. It’s long so bear with me.

Started at 8 in the morning when H called to tell me he was on his way with DS to get him ready for his t-ball game. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but it seems like H feels awkward and wants to say something but isn’t letting himself when he's around me. He seemed almost reluctant to leave, too, but I wasn’t about to invite him upstairs and he sure isn’t going to invite himself. So he left and I got DS ready, then we headed to the game. When we got there H came over to our car and helped DS get out and walked with us to the game. I sent DS into the dugout and sat in the bleachers with my friend who’s son is on DS’s team. H sat on the same bench about five feet down. Whenever my friend got up to take a picture of her son playing H would talk to me. Innocuous stuff like the furloughs being postponed and the raises that were withheld being in our next paycheck. He also showed me some pictures on his phone of where his brother is in Afghanistan. He did surprise me though when my friend’s camera was giving her trouble by asking what brand it was, saying if it was Fuji when his BIL and sister come up he could ask them to take a look at it. (Why would he offer to help my friend like that?) Anyway. My sister came at the end of the game and I chatted with her, she sat between H and I. After the game DS was going with H so we all walked to our cars together, H was giving DS a shoulder ride and leaned down so DS could give me a hug and kiss good-bye.

About three hours later H called me, said DS was having a rough time and wanted to come home, could I meet them at our usual exchange spot. So we met up and I could tell H was upset and attributed it to DS not wanting to stay with him. About an hour later H texted me to say it really hurt him that DS didn’t want to stay with him. I wanted to say, “What do you expect after walking out on us?” I wanted to say, “Do you think it’s going to get easier once Tramp pops out that kid and starts demanding you spend more time with them instead of DS?”

But I was good, I simply replied that I can understand, it bothers me when DS tells me he doesn’t want to be with me. H texted back that it seems like DS used to want to be with him all the time, but lately it’s been less and less and that he feels like a bad father. I assured him he is not a bad father, that DS does miss him. He asked how I know that and I said because DS tells me often. He replied asking if DS said why he didn’t want to sta with H and I said DS told me it’s because H is too hard on him, which I know isn’t true. He then asked if DS had asked about him or changed his mind, I told him that he hadn’t. H said DS had a hard time being told to stop playing the video game and go outside to play, insisted he wanted to go home and H was trying to call his bluff. I said too bad it didn’t work out and H said he didn’t want to be mean and force DS to stay with him. I said next time to try and push the staying with H and see how DS reacts. He then said it seems lately that DS is getting more and more distant from him and could it be because I talk to DS about H? I said that I only talk to DS to tell him that Daddy loves him and misses him and to soothe DS when he’s upset that H isn’t with us. H replied that he’s heard me tell DS that H took the easy way out by leaving so he can only imagine what I say when H isn’t around. Ooh, that got me riled up. I fired back a text saying I tell DS that it was H’s choice to leave, but I don’t say that he took the easy way and I would never slander H to our son. H replied that I was having a pretty bad breakdown at the time and that his phone was dying, he had to go. I texted back saying I’m always having a breakdown but not as often or as bad in front of DS. I also said I am grown up enough to not try and sabotage DS’s relationship with H.

A few hours later H called to ask if he could take DS the next day (today) to see the movie Iron Man 2. I said I was fine with it, just to remember DS’s game that got rained out was rescheduled to that afternoon. H said he remembered, they were going to go to an early showing and we left it at that.

Cut to this morning, I get a text saying the game was rescheduled from this afternoon to this morning. I made DS call H to tell him, H asked to talk to me. He asked how important it was that DS attend the game and I said not very as long as he doesn’t miss any others this season. So I agreed to meet H at the exchange spot for 11. I get there and he has Tramp’s son with him. Ouch, didn’t realize there would be another kid there. And again H seemed very somber, when he said he would call me after the movie was done his tone was definitely subdued, not a happy one like you’d expect from someone who’s life is going how he wants it too.

So now I’m at home, waiting for H to call so I can go get my kid back for the rest of the afternoon. This morning when I was driving DS to the exchange spot I kept thinking that it was all wrong, that H should be living with us and we should all be going to the movie together.