Not sure which way to go anymore

[Mystik]

Got an e-mail from H today that had me in tears at my desk, and not in a good way. He e-mailed me to let me know he is definitely taking DS tonight then said, "I suppose the days of going to the movies together are over…" He wants to take DS to see Iron Man 2 and asked if I had plans to bring DS to see it. I simply replied I had no plans to take DS to see that movie.

I want to scream at him "WHYYYYY? Why are you doing this to me, to us? We are stronger than this, I know it." I want to tell him the door isn't closed for him to come back to me. I want to be able to talk to him like friends, the way we were before OW dropped the pregnancy bomb. I want to call my SIL and ask if H is having any regrets. I want find out something, anything that will give me reason to keep hoping. I just feel so strongly that we are meant to be, that this will work out and OW won't have that baby. I feel that when I move next year to get DS in a better school district, I'll be moving with H. I hate this, the agony and uncertainty of not knowing what the future holds for H and I. It's breaking me.

On a side note, I'm so glad I have this place where I can vent and scream and cry and know that I am being understood, that my feelings are valid, no matter how many times I repeat myself.

I've learned something about myself by reading Co-Dependent books and the Journey from Abandonment to Healing book. I've learned that I am emotionally broken. No wonder I wasn't able to have a mature relationship with H, between his emotional damages and mine it was just one hot mess. And I feel that I'm so emotionally damaged that any relationship I attempt to have will go wrong at some point. I don't think the damage can even be repaired at this point, I am that messed up.