WAH and LBW separated and dark

[theGoodGirl]

My opinion - This is how they show love and keep score.

Rule #1 - never keep score in a marriage. NEVER.

i don't keep score. it destroys your spirit.
this just fuels my anger towards them. for being so selfish that way. and they think of themselves as classy, wonderful people who wouldn't hurt a fly?

So it's a way to hurt you in their eyes.

i have no words.

To a co-dependent love is conditional you broke their unexpressed conditions and this is how they punish you. Co-dependence, passive- aggressive, procrastination and pessimistic thinking all go hand in hand.

i know you are explaining this so i can show some compassion.
i think you already know that i've said before. unexpressed conditions? not my problem. i don't mind read. that's childish. if they're punishing me for something THEY didn't tell me, i can't be sympathetic.

the co-dependence, PA, procrastination, and pessimistic thinking .. that defines their family. their pores ooze negativity.

When you made the comment to your H about him getting checked out on the fertility issue it shamed him. Shame is when you think something is wrong with you. This triggers fear in a co-dependent because your love is conditional and if you think something is wrong with him (shame) then he is unlovable by you.

i'm just .. stunned by the explanation. why? because i think i can see this in him. i was the only outsider he ever trusted to love him.

if he's dropping the d-bomb out of fear, he's showing his fear in a very antagonistic (if that is a word) way.

the funny thing is. i still love him. my life was better when he was in it. i loved him unconditionally. even when he hurt me, i still loved him. it's that optimistic side of me that sees it as "temporary".

She rejected me because she thinks something is wrong with me. This doesn't excuse his behavior just trying to help you understand. Make sense?

yes. i never thought of it that way. this is different from mind reading.

Do you see how his Mom has conditions for love and mind-reads you? This is a form of emotional blackmail.

it took me a while to grasp this one. but i can see it.
there was a time when his mother came to visit, and h had come home from work a bit early. he had a headache and so he came home early and went to our room to take a nap before dinner. his mother had posted a note outside the door that read "the door is unlocked. he is sleeping upstairs." i was not happy with the "door is unlocked" comment but i gently reminded her that for her own safety, it wasn't wise to announce to the outside world that our door is unlocked. she nodded and i went upstairs to check on my h. after a 10 min discussion with h, we came out of the bedroom to find her crying her eyes out. she claimed that i was angry with her and that she was only trying to help (famous words of hers). she said she didn't feel welcomed and wanted to take the next flight home. i turned to my h and said i'm not apologizing for that. i didn't do anything wrong. he had to go calm her down. the mind reading part was she thought i was mad at her for posting her note. i wasn't mad. i just told her it wasn't wise for her own safety. but i wasn't mad.

but i sure am not going to play that kind of game with them. that's just the most selfish and childish thing i've ever heard.

the running theme here .. is that they all mind read me and they're always wrong. i'm not that kind of person. i wasn't raised by wolves. my family isn't like that. we have no ulterior motive. even when the d-bomb was dropped, my family just wanted me to walk away with nothing because it wasn't worth it. taking things wasn't going to save my mental or physical well-being. things can be replace, but your health can't be.

When I was a boy my mother would tell me she would cry if didn't do what she wanted. Made me responsible for her feelings. Not my responsiblity anymore. The only thing you can do is model healthy boundaries and show him that you are responsible for you own feelings.

that's what h's mom does to him. and it makes him feel responsible for her feelings. so he hurts me in order to make her feel better? she's used my h against me?
how on earth am i going to fight this? there are no words i can say to h. i can be happy to show that this isn't going to define me or bring me down. but h will never see it that way. he's trapped in this world of co-dependency.

the only thing i can say is .. what he's trying to do isn't working. you wanna take everything we built together? if it makes you happy, go ahead. take it all. material things don't make me happy. they can be replaced. 20 some odd mugs in the house. he left me with 2. 20 tea towels in the house. he took them all. bath towels, bedding, pillows, lamps, cutlery, kitchen gadgets .. took them all. left me with nothing. i didn't fight for any of it. take it. if it makes you happy. take it.

he wanted to hurt me by taking my DSLR camera collection. i said take it. you want it. take it. i'll buy a new one. the next day, he said i could have my camera back.

i'm not a doormat. i am responsible for my own health. i have to protect my own health and pick my battles.

180 idea - ask him to help you with something
Goal - get him to ask you out

why ask him to help me with something? he used to tell me to stop being so needy and clingy. didn't he just want me to be independent?

a few days before the house closed, i went back alone to take the curtains down (they weren't part of the deal). i borrowed a ladder from a friend, bought myself the tools i needed and i took them down myself. h came by to drop off the keys and his garage door opener. he saw me taking the curtains down and he asked if i needed any help. i said no, i'm fine.

i don't need him ... i want him but i don't need him. besides, the evil blackmailing mother was in the car waiting. if he spent an extra minute talking to me, she'd get out of the car and drag him away from me.

right now, i'm acting as if i don't need or want him. i'm fine. i didn't run home to my parents, i didn't cry like a helpless cat, i didn't need my mommy or daddy to help me pack or move.

You are doing the right things for yourself. What's the anger really trying to tell you?

i don't know anymore. that's a lot of information to digest.

GG