Well, I have started another posting. Seems after awhile the others just fade away. Maybe I dont know how to do this right. So last night I initiated conversation to my H. Since the bomb he has been sleeping on our couch. It is driving me crazy. The plan was he was going to build a room in our detached garage for him to stay in but things are getting to comfortable for me. I know he is in a different place than I am and his being there is getting to me. I told him if we are going to do this we need clear boundaries. This probably would have been a good solution financiall for us but I just dont think it will work very well. I get scared because I am afraid of what may happen as I realize most of us are. H claims he of course does not want to give me false hope. I just told him he needs to get on with doing what it is he feels he needs to do for himself but that I will not give up on our M and my door is open. I did tell him that I will have cutoff time but I am not sure at this point what that is. He stated that he did not want to know. I met with a MC and she had advised me to go ahead and initiate some of this conversation with him. I have been going crazy and just don't think I can completely detach with him at the house. I need to get my head at a place where I can focus on myself and quit obsessing about us. I have got to work on this and it has just been too crazy. H coming home telling me about his day and problems. It is like we are just roommates and I cannot stand it. I have to change my focus for me and I cannot help but get those feelings. It just really s*cks that he believes he cannot work on his own happiness and be together. He definately recognizes that he is in a crises maybe not ML but he thinks he will associate it with that considering his age, he will be 40 soon.
I am needing to get my life in some order before I go insane doing what it is I am doing now. I have lost myself and now I have to refind out who I really want to be and what my goals are as of today. I hate feeling like this inside and it is getting to me day by day. I know I cannot just completely turn off my feelings but right now they are just so raw and exposed it is awful. Well, thats my post for now.
