today is fine. No problems, really. Except I'm thinking: why am I expected to just keep plugging along like everything is normal and fine? If I were a widow, I would get a pass on all sorts of expectations of normal, happy behavior.
aver, There have been interesting posts on these boards as well as mention in the Abandonment To Healing book about how widowhood would almost have been "better":
-S, M & R are dead to LBS. Pain is no different, even greater it can be argued. Family/friends would gather 'round, tighten the circle. Instead of rapidly dispersing There would be rituals, formal closure, acknowledgment of "anniversaries" People would call, visit, "check up: constantly. Willingness to understandingly listen to just abut anything you have to say about the situation. The pain is understood and comforted and acknowledged that it will be so for a long time. Sympathy, empathy, commiserating. Casseroles.
The very real list goes on and on
Originally Posted By: avermont
Being just a pathetic old LBS, I gotta keep my chin up, act like my pride is intact, and keep going through the days.
Yep. Tell me about it
Originally Posted By: avermont
Bleh.
That, too. Lots of that.
Gotta move this thread over to Surviving the Big D. Hang out with my buddy Gardener.
Maybe I can figure out how to do that tonight.
Sigh. [/quote]
Last edited by Gardener; 05/10/1005:34 PM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I see a new life on Aver's horizon...but I can't see it very clearly. What's it going to look like? Hmmmm.....
hugs!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Oh, believe me, I know this would be much better if X had dropped dead.
And not just for personal vindictive feelings. But for all the reasons you list, Gardener. The sympathy, the cassaroles. Never having to deal with seeing X with OW.
It would be complete, it would be closure, unless I was the one who crashed the car or accidentally poisoned the oatmeal, there would be no guilt no remorse, etc.
I had the idea of sitting shiva for the death of the R. In this case, visitors would be ENCOURAGED to speak ill of the dead!
I doubt that at this time frame I would get much time/support from friends for a week of sackcloth and ashes, but the idea does have appeal.
A week of just wallowing. Being supported. Not having to go to work all chip chip cheerio. Yup. Sounds good.
I had the idea of sitting shiva for the death of the R. In this case, visitors would be ENCOURAGED to speak ill of the dead!
I doubt that at this time frame I would get much time/support from friends for a week of sackcloth and ashes, but the idea does have appeal.
Actually, this is a pretty cool idea. I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand. Perhaps invite only those who would be willing, supportive and would "get it"...
On an (un)related note, I am having a BBQ on my birthday, but the date is just coincidental: It is for the ten friends/loved ones who have been the most supportive and have put up wth me ad nauseam for the last 18 months!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Yes, I too need to put together a "thank you" event for everyone who has supported me throughout this.
I haven't quite seen what the format would be...a quiet dinner, I think. I don't feel festive, but I do want to give them all what little thank you I can.
How do you thank people for saving your life when you didn't want to be alive? and even still aren't 100% sure that you are thankful for it?
Is a dinner enough? I'm on the look out for karma paybacks where ever possible.
How do you thank people for saving your life when you didn't want to be alive? and even still aren't 100% sure that you are thankful for it?
Is a dinner enough?
On that point, three thoughts: - You thank them in your heart and prayers for their wanting you to stay alive. - Search your heart and I'll bet the answer is that you are "thankful for it." - A dinner celebrating them, you, the future and life should be more than enough. Go for it. Enjoy.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Except I'm thinking: why am I expected to just keep plugging along like everything is normal and fine?
If I were a widow, I would get a pass on all sorts of expectations of normal, happy behavior.
Being just a pathetic old LBS, I gotta keep my chin up, act like my pride is intact, and keep going through the days.
Bleh.
(((Aver)))) Thank you so much for your support after my epic-sized post on Mon! I got really sick Mon. night, & was knocked out of commission for a while. Anyway, re: the above quote, I have been thinking the same thing. It's rough.
I know for me, I haven't really taken any time off to grieve, or stop & just process everything. I was out 2 days this week, sick as a dog & just in bed all day. And that was only b/c I couldn't go to work. I think I fear it, the processing of it. I've been afraid to stop - take time & really feel the grief. I think it all caught up to me on Sun.
I look at Flowmom - her thread is called embracing change - and I think, that's it. that's what I have to do. Embrace change, b/c the old life is over. But 1st I have to grieve it before I can embrace it. I think.
We just get tired, sick of it all. It seems to never end! We are here to pick each other up, & support each other. And to yell for help when we need it. So that we all get through this long long journey together.
Aver, know I'm here for you. Getting support from friends/family in RL or here on the board is what gets us all through. You are helping me & I hope in some small way I'm helping you. I'll post more later - having comp. issues - what else is new! (((hugs)))
quote]aver, There have been interesting posts on these boards as well as mention in the Abandonment To Healing book about how widowhood would almost have been "better":
-S, M & R are dead to LBS. Pain is no different, even greater it can be argued. Family/friends would gather 'round, tighten the circle. Instead of rapidly dispersing There would be rituals, formal closure, acknowledgment of "anniversaries" People would call, visit, "check up: constantly. Willingness to understandingly listen to just abut anything you have to say about the situation. The pain is understood and comforted and acknowledged that it will be so for a long time. Sympathy, empathy, commiserating. Casseroles.
The very real list goes on and on
^^^ So true Gardener! I just think maybe people don't know how comfort us.
But maybe it says something good about us LBS that we're not driving people away or guilting them into feeling sorry for us! We're a pretty fierce, kick a** bunch wouldn't you say?
But maybe it says something good about us LBS that we're not driving people away or guilting them into feeling sorry for us! We're a pretty fierce, kick a** bunch wouldn't you say?
Damn straight.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
