Has your wife nowhere else to go? If you create a lot of drama over the affair her roomate might toss her out?
The idea for busting an affair is a bit complex, but here's my best pitch to date :
Your wife has three courses of action in her life at this juncture :
a. Maintain a secret, taboo, destructive affair/open marriage b. Pursue separation followed by divorce and exit the marriage c. End the affair, pursue reconcilliation, and rebuild the marriage
Right NOW, A looks a LOT more inviting than B or C.
Your wife is going to beg, borrow, or STEAL to keep pursuing A as long as it is available to her.
The idea here is for you to do some work on all three of these :
a. Expose the affair, thus ruining the exictement from secrecy.. This will also often create a great deal of public embarassment for the WS and the OP - not always, but in many cases WS and OP do NOT want the affair exposed otherwise they would NOT be keeping it SECRET. The fact that your wife IS keeping this secret reveals she's vulnerable to exposure - or OM is, or both of them.. Whomever matters little, at LEAST one of them wants to keep this quiet... YOU attack that secret and blow it into the open.
Make it clear to your wife, OM, and anyone else you expose to that you WANT to save your marriaeg, that the infidelity is a thtreat to you, your wife, and your son's welfare. That infidelity and lies is NOT a safe or stable home life for your child or for someone in the midst of a painful separation. Again there aer lots of samples on this subforum of these sorts of exposure statments.
b. talk to an attourney, find out what your options are. If there is any room to apply additional pressure to yoru wife given the laws of yoru state you do it - if your wife isn't providing an adequate living arrangement for yoru son you can restrict her level custody, etc. You also restrict your communications to yoru wife to an unemotional practical level.. get an intermediary if you can to speak on your behalf. Get a protection phase letter ready as well. The idea at its simplest is to SHOW your WIFE what DIVORCE will FEEL like... cut her OUT of your life if you feel this will apply additional pressure to her.. MOST WS' like to keep their LBS in their pocket for safe keeping... Make it clear to your wife that you are NOT a spare tire and EXTRACT yourself from her life, her melodrama, and her web of lies...
c. Make it clear to your wife and other marriage friendly supporters that you WANT to save your marriage. Find a GOOD FAMILY THERAPIST - NOT an IC but a FAMILY THERAPIST. Start reading as much as you can on rebuilding marriages. Do everything you can to make reconcilliation an inviting prospect and get a FT NOW and start giong NOW so your wife can see you are willing to change and accept some responsability of the marriage failing.
You want to RESTRICT your wife's access to A You wnat to PUSH your wife towards B AND C at the SAME TIME
Basically ACTING in a manner that conveys the following :
1. I will not allow you to lie to me and carry on an affair in secret - I will no longer excuse your destructive behaviour.
2. The lying, cheating, destructive spouse you are NOW must LEAVE my life and the life of our son so we may live safely. 3. The honest, committed, responsible adult you CAN be is welcome to return to us and a family therapist at ANY TIME.
Again you cut OUT the affair, attempt to PUSH it into the OPEN and shame it into a painful, stressful, embarassing mess that your wife will WANT to ABANDON
This will make divorce or reconcilliation look more attractive... with reconcilliation being th most inviting becase YOU will be working on yourself to make YOU look the most inviting of these three courses of action.
