let's start with the "nothing i do can change things" - i do have this belief system in my head, and i think that is why i constantly try to CONTROL things so that i can fight this. i don't want to believe this - but no matter how i try in life it seems that this comes true. i do believe that i get so far in life and then i give up short of goal. i think this stems from how many times i have had to move in my life - never in one place long enough so that i can achieve any long term goals - including friendships.
so in reference to this relationship, i go back to believing that i can't change things. oh yeah, i see forward movement, but do i see a reaching of a goal? NO - that i can say quite honestly i can't. i see hubby and i not ending up spending our lives together. that is the ultimate goal i see (and probably self fulfilling prophecy waiting to happen) - i see that as the goal because that is how all my other relationships have ended.
i get jealous of people who have life long friends. i don't have any. i moved around so much that i never had a chance to develope anything like that. is that what i am trying to do with my marriage? hmmmm, this will take more pondering
let's deal with the second on "people never really change" - hmmm, this is a catch 22 for me. i look at myself and ask, have i REALLY changed? i cannot truthfully answer yes, because i feel so many of the same familiar feelings and by now i think i should be past it. now if i cannot change, how can i expect HUBBY to change?
but, have i really NOT changed? i cannot look at his objectively i believe. i guess this goes back to the thing about changing things, since i believe i can't change things, what makes me think that i can really change myself?
let's ponder on what sage said
a fundamental belief that i am lovable. ok, let's dig into this. anywhere i have ever been i have never had a difficulty in MAKING friends. i am a very friendly person, and i make friends easily. but in looking over my life, i do see that each time i had to move something mysterious happened with my closest friends. just before my move my friends and i would have massive fights. was this a preparation of me leaving and causing these fights so that i could better bear the brunt of hurt that comes from moving. if i left mad then by all means, i wouldn't miss them as much.
Hmmmm....
Do people change? I don't know what that means - we change every day, right? Moods, different thoughts in our heads, attitudes - not to mention what we learn. How we grow. This is a lot of change. But we're fundamentally the same person through our lives too. I think the biggest thing is what we learn about ourselves. A person may be stuck with themselves their entire life, but the more they learn about themselves the better their life might be. I'm not a different person than I was four months ago, but I've certainly learned a whole lot about myself which has made a whole world of difference.
KK, you remind me of my wife with this post - the control thing is huge. THe moving thing, the "livelong friend" thing - also issues with my W, and a source of sorrow. For W, this is also related to fear of abandonment, issues with letting herself be vunerable, fear of being hurt.
For myself, I'm learning acceptance of what is, I suppose, and enjoyment of the current moment. I try to control too, I worry about the past and future to a frantic level, I have expectations of people which complicates relationships, and have a tendency to withdraw. I'm learning to relax and look at the present moment, seperating out what matters vs what doesn't, what I can accept vs. what I can control. My counciler had me read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Toole which has helped me internalize this - again, typically not my cup of tea (kind of a spiritual / methphysical bent) but a fantastic book for practial purposes.
