Geronimo, you are actually DB'ing effectively now! She wants you to feel like crap because she is used to pulling you down with her. Hopefully she will realize that you have it going on and she should follow suit. She may never realize it though.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Marriage is a life long commitment. At least the way I was taught it was.
Now my ex at one point said very much what you said chief. "So since I promised forever, I have to put up with whatever and have no recourse? Don't I deserve to be happy?"
Bull pucky.
Happiness comes and goes. Feelings come and go. Emotions come and go. We all experience the ebbs and flows of life on a regular basis.
And YES, we quite frequently do NOT do this marriage thing right. But you know what? Not to sound old or anything, but in the past the COMMITMENT was what you held on to during the dry times and the rough patches. We didn't always have a 50% divorce rate in this country at least.
Now we quit. Now we move on. More than that, we are an impatient people, more and more so every passing year. We long for immediate gratification and have little tolerance for delayed reward.
The end result is no fault divorce and the ability to exit a marriage just because you want to.
Well my response is that if you want to exit the marriage (excluding abusive relationships of course), you should not have entered into a marriage in the first place.
For better or worse...
For richer or poorer...
In sickness and in health...
Till death do us part...
I still believe those words are not just symbolic or wishful thinking. I believe they are a vow, my WORD of commitment to a lifelong relationship. They are my promise to weather whatever storms come my way in the relationship and to dedicate myself to finding a way through to the other side in each and every one.
I'm not ready to allow the sad statistics to convince me that marriage is dead. I just think there are a lot of people who are too selfish or immature to be seriously considering such a promise.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Not to sound old or anything, but in the past the COMMITMENT was what you held on to during the dry times and the rough patches. We didn't always have a 50% divorce rate in this country at least.
That has been my stance all this time. Stick to the commitment. And yes I still believe that. I'm with what you have said 100%.
But in any relationship - that's me. I may think that's her, but obviously I don't know for sure. And I'm not saying here that "I'm not happy" and all the other rhetoric justifies leaving. Nope.
But why are so many people not happy? Isn’t that an important question?
And you make a good point about, how you pick future relationships. I’m pretty sure that XW could NEVER have been happy, may be never will be.
I don’t want to be so jaded to say “some people are broken, stay away.” I guess though, now, being older and wiser, I do know better what I want, I do know better what a healthier relationship and a healthier person looks like.
Maybe it does come down to the end, be with someone that shares your values. You know the struggle in my head right now – I think now out the other side I have a need to re-discover who I am and what I want in this context. Because my marriage failed does not mean that I should give up on the concept. I’m trying to make sense of it. There are a lot of things rattling around right now.
Well I'm coming to realize how much I'm thinking and processing on this having signed the papers. Clearly I can't keep from posting. I imagine that's good. Also good it hasn't knocked me on my a$$ I guess, but I am a little distracted.
Talked to XW earlier, something about the kids. She's asked to only communicate by text or email because she is "in pain". Wants me to call when I get to her apt so she can just send the kids down.
That's fine. I guess I'm suprised at how big of a reaction she's having. Her mother is coming to stay with her to take care of her (she's sick too).
This may sound evil but honestly I can't wait for that day when my wife feels like that. They deserve it for breaking up the family because they were selfish, self-centered and poor communicators of their needs. In my case I felt she had it all and she threw it away because of the reasons only she knows.
I still don't get that she keeps telling you that she's in pain etc but won't come out and say that she regrets she's done this and that she's sorry for putting you through hell and that she's still unhappy and she mis-judged everything.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
They want to hold onto strength garnered out of the affair. So they do what they have to do to keep it. Little do they know, is you CANT keep it. So you break up what is real, only to pay a cost in pain later.
Arg. Crashing a little today. Seems the chatter in my mind is subsiding, and now feeling it a little more. Well, inevitable I suppose.
Realize that I'm coping partially by talking, talking, talking to other people. Yeah, yesterday I belched up quite a bit on my thread here. That's good I suppose, exorcising. Guess I also need to experience the quiet and aloneness, so maybe swinging back to that now.
It is weird, to pick them up and drop them off without talking to her. I suppose that's what a lot of you guys have experienced as a matter of course. And it is good, to continue to remove her and the D situation from the forefront of my life.
Took the boys to their school open house last night. Funny, ran into some mutual friends, the husband shook my hand enthusiastically and said hello, the wife wouldn't even look at me. Funny how people respond. And again, knowing the nature of the things XW has said to her friends, I had that moment of - That's really not cool. I'm going to be raising my kids in this community. But honestly it doesn't matter.
Arg. Crashing a little today. Seems the chatter in my mind is subsiding, and now feeling it a little more. Well, inevitable I suppose.
Realize that I'm coping partially by talking, talking, talking to other people. Yeah, yesterday I belched up quite a bit on my thread here. That's good I suppose, exorcising. Guess I also need to experience the quiet and aloneness, so maybe swinging back to that now.
It helps to talk. Talk to us and try not to talk to the people in your area too much. Definately clear up any misperceptions before they can snowball on you.
Originally Posted By: Geronimo
It is weird, to pick them up and drop them off without talking to her. I suppose that's what a lot of you guys have experienced as a matter of course. And it is good, to continue to remove her and the D situation from the forefront of my life.
We all need new focus points, new destinations. The M and resultant D is put behind us, and hopefully we can forget about it. Its not helpful to go there. She made her choice and thats why you are at where you at, treat her like a ex-wife.
Originally Posted By: Geronimo
Took the boys to their school open house last night. Funny, ran into some mutual friends, the husband shook my hand enthusiastically and said hello, the wife wouldn't even look at me. Funny how people respond. And again, knowing the nature of the things XW has said to her friends, I had that moment of - That's really not cool. I'm going to be raising my kids in this community. But honestly it doesn't matter.
I don't understand this portion. During the affairs and after the D, people will side with who they are going to side with. You'll be surprised at how many women will co-operate with a cheating wife in your situation, where you where the one getting shafted. However the flipside of this is, women who where crossed with your ex, may be very receptive to you now. You know better than us, you have to stay positive and my thing is pretty much its going to be easier to do right by most people and to distance myself from people I can't do this with.
You sound experienced and I know you'll be sending solutions to the rest of us to ensure you remain a positive role in your childrens life.
