Need Help with Husband's MLC

[JeanBean]

Below is an email I got and it's pretty powerful for those of us with codependent relationships. It may have some answers for some of you and may help you in some areas that you may not see...I hope it does! :o)

Are you experiencing an unusually high level of stress when
it comes to dealing with your partner? Our team of experts will
show you the proper way to restore the lines of communication and
get to the heart of the REAL issues that are bothering you as a
couple.

When a codependent and a needy person get together, both parties
get into a reciprocal state that may mimic a healthy relationship
on the surface. However, this "mutually beneficial" cycle is
actually destructive for the people involved.

In a typical scenario, the needy person usually mistakes his or her
parasitic need for a person as true love.

Despite their potential for truly caring about someone else, a
dependent individual is too caught up with draining their partner's
resources without giving anything back. Often, you'll hear such a
person saying that he/she "can't live without" their partner.

To some extent, we all have an inner need to be nurtured. Once in
a while, we yearn for someone else to be in charge of our welfare.
The problem is when these kinds of feelings become the single, most
powerful driving force in a person's life.

By being totally dependent on a partner or spouse, the needy one
has no real interest in growing as a healthy person. Instead,
their never-ending feeling of emptiness and low tolerance for being
alone, even for a little while, pushes them to suck the life out of
their partner in this one-sided relationship.

There are even some cases where a dependent person incapacitates
him or herself on purpose so that their self-sacrificing partner
will be forced to spend all their time on them.

Usually, the root of this dysfunctional behavior traces back to a
deprived childhood.

This kind of mindset can develop during a person's formative years
where the subject's parents have neglected their emotional needs in
some way.

When a needy person grows up with a lack of attention or adequate
nurturing, they evolve into highly insecure adults. They often
have this perpetual sense of being incomplete and even doubt if
they are truly loveable.

Thus, they find the real world a scary place and form relationships
out of their fear of being alone (rather than out of love).

On the other side of this vicious cycle is the codependent person
who unconsciously perpetuates this sort of relationship.

He/she feels this overpowering need to go through ridiculous
lengths to take care of their dependent partner's needs without
focusing on the actual root of the problem.

Codependency is a condition where someone is driven to assume any
and all responsibility for everything as they feel that they are at
fault. So, they take up the needless (and often thankless) duty of
dedicating all their energy to fixing everything to an unhealthy
extent.

In essence, there are just some people who assume NO responsibility
for the state of affairs in their lives and forsake any attempt at
self-reflection. They end up frustrated because their
eager-to-please partner buckles under the strain of being the sole
provider of their happiness.

If you look on the other side of the coin, there are partners who
take TOO MUCH responsibility in areas that are beyond their own
"jurisdiction". When these two types get together in a
relationship, both of them will end up miserable in the long run.

If some of this is sounding nauseatingly familiar, it may be time
to sit down and talk about it. But most crucial to your success as
much what you say as how you say it. Conversation Chemistry is a
course that specializes in positive communication skills:
http://www.meetyoursweet.com/conversationchemistry

This kind of self-sacrifice comes in different forms. A common
kind of codependency lays in the person's ability make endless
excuses for their partner's needy behavior.

They are so willing to compensate for the serious imbalance in the
relationship - even if it means compromising their integrity or
ignoring the real problem.

For example, a woman might encourage her emotionally abusive
husband to remain the same by stretching herself thin. Out of some
misplaced sense of pity, the codependent party actually prolongs
their partner's behavior by doting on them instead of truly helping
the needy person.

Perhaps a husband is married to an alcoholic woman and absolves her
of any responsibility for her actions. Rather than help her go
through the painful but necessary process of rehab, he takes the
"easy route" by denying reality and unconsciously supporting her
neediness.

Another variety of codependency occurs when one fears that their
needy partner may no longer need their "help" one day. In this
way, they misinterpret keeping their spouse dependent as nurturing
them.

When you look at things closely, the pleasure this person gets from
the power they have over a needy person actually stunts their
partner's emotional growth.

It's the dread of not being "loved" or needed that keeps both
partners running around in circles - and exhausted in all respects.

Like needy people, these codependent partners usually develop their
neurotic tendencies during childhood. This is highly likely to
happen if their parents happen to be needy people themselves.

The seeds of codependency take root in a young person's mind when
their parents complain to them (implicitly or explicitly) that they
are causing them unhappiness or stress.

Thus, they feel responsible for other people's joy and are ridden
with an unnecessary guilt.

A truly healthy marriage or partnership is made up of two
independent and well-adjusted people. Their deeds are done out of
a true concern for the other person, and not manipulation that's
masquerading as "good intentions".

For instance, a couple may occasionally take the load off each
other's backs by reversing their usual roles. A husband might try
doing the laundry while his wife manages the month's bills for a
change.

In a way, they are exercising their "life skills" in the event that
one of them may pass away.

Loving your partner should overcome your need to be with that
person. What we're saying is that you should do what you can to
truly make him or her a better person even if it means difficulty
on your part.

Based on what we discussed however, distinguishing the things that
you are (and aren't) responsible for is a not a clear-cut matter.

Nevertheless, ignoring the issue won't make it go away by itself.
The first part of solving any problem is acknowledging that it
exists.

The problem that dysfunctional couples have is that they're so
trapped in a vicious cycle without realizing that they're already
knee-deep in a bad situation.

The human tendency to avoid the discomfort in dealing with problems
keeps many couples from ending their destructive patterns.
Remember, the primary reason that behavioral problems exist is to
avoid confronting reality.

Therefore, the key to finding relief goes beyond knowing you have a
problem. It also takes the determination to endure the inevitable
pain that comes with finding a solution. The sooner that we accept
that life is naturally hard, the easier it will be to do something
about our problems.

Sometimes, it takes the expert eye of a specialist to spot the
imbalance in a relationship. If you feel that any of the scenarios
we described somehow reflects your own situation, then seeking help
from a counselor will be helpful.

Seeing things from the perspective of a trained professional will
help bring any long-standing issues to light. While you're at it,
supplement your efforts by looking into local support groups and
written literature that deal with codependency.

The bottom line is this: the quest for emotional maturity as a
couple requires a higher sense of objective self-awareness and the
willingness to follow through with a long-term solution.

Yours in marriage success,

Amy Waterman

SaveMyMarriageToday.com