Looking for help with WAW

[CityGirl]

Your W already told you flowers made her uncomfortable. Flowers are for ONE day. Now you want to pressure her to make a decision about a gym membership that will last much longer than one day.

I know it is hurtful when we find out the WAS has done something as an individual but at the end of the day a gym membership isn't going to make or break the marriage. She chose to renew it on her own, she chose to pay the higher price and that is that. Why keep bugging her about it? It again makes you look like you are trying to save her or inject yourself back in her life in some way.

Renew on your own and don't talk about it again with her.

[Coach]

I want to remain NC because I think that's still the best thing to do right now.

[mza8]

CityGirl and Coach, thank you. I'm not worked up about the membership. As CityGirl said, it won't make or break the marriage. I know NC is the right thing to do now.

I hope I'm not a pain but I do have two more questions. Should I at least reply to her question about the house? If I don't reply she might think I'm ignoring her. Should I validate her decision with the membership and say that I understand and respect her decision and leave it at that? I'm just trying to get this right and do the right thing. I really appreciate your advice.

I have had more positives for me this week. More GAL. I had a job interview this week for a really good job. Much better than my current job. The interview went well and they are calling me back for a second interview next week. They said that I am just what they are looking for. I begin my college courses in a month. Still doing real estate on the side and refereeing more soccer games this weekend. I'm doing more now in my life than I probably did in the past two years. I sometimes ask myself why it had to come to this for me to change?

[Glimmerman]

You know your W, and have to live with your decision.

I like Coach's response to your post. It showed that you may have answered your own question.

One thing the "birthday flowers" situation showed me (and I'd encourage you to reflect on it) is you seem to have a tendency to go overboard at the slightest opporunity. I assume most on this board would say that shows her your "neediness".

[Glimmerman]

....one other thought for you. I have experience in this, so I am "qualified" to let you know.

Considering your job/income problems over the last couple of years or so, your W will be more interested in knowing that you can "take care of yourself" (please read the word 'provider' into that) than she is saving a few bucks with the gym membership.

[mza8]

....one other thought for you. I have experience in this, so I am "qualified" to let you know.

Considering your job/income problems over the last couple of years or so, your W will be more interested in knowing that you can "take care of yourself" (please read the word 'provider' into that) than she is saving a few bucks with the gym membership.

That could be part of it but I think her decision to renew as an individual membership is mostly about her. I called the gym today and renewed myself as a single membership. I won't mention this issue anymore with W. Just not sure if I want to email her back about her house question. I'll think about it. I would be curious to ask her the questions I wrote in my previous post and see what she says. It would at least be interesting to see if she answered. Otherwise I will remain NC and wait for her to contact me again.

GM, any update on your sitch? How are things going for you?

[Glimmerman]

Thanks for asking about my sitch. Still too early to tell. Have started MC and have more sessions scheduled. W says she's not sure what direction she wants.

[Glimmerman]

Her decision on membership is about her...and it's reflective of HER feelings about you. I'd recommend you read Willard Harley's book "His Needs Her Needs". Read it all, but specifically pay attention to the chapter on financial support. In my opinion, it's spot on.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I liitle behind here but just a thought:

The guy at the gym told me that my W renewed under her married name (I think she has to legally until D) and listed her parent's address as her home address. At least that's something. She's still living at her parent's house. I'm not sure why she hasn't gone out and gotten her own apartment yet? She has the money. Don't know if she's waiting until the house sells or maybe were are D? I know she was gung ho on getting an apartment two months ago but she has since backed off of that. Don't know if she is waiting to see what happens with us or not?

When my W left she wanted to buy a condo or home, not rent. She told me she didn't want to have to move twice. She didn'r end up renting and she told me at her meeting she is looking to move out into something permenant.

YOur W may feel the same. Sale of the home would be a nice down payment on something of her own.

As for the gym membership, if you say she has the money and could afford it, what an extra 100-200 dollars for her?

Stay strong.

[mza8]

Hey GM and Gr8.

GM, good to hear you have more MC scheduled. Good that you both are still trying. She's confused...that's a good thing. I'm pulling for you.

No doubt my W's wanting to renew her membership by herself is reflective of her feelings (or lack of) about me. Her actions continue to make this painfully obvious.

I'll check out that book later tonight.

Gr8, maybe she is waiting until the house is sold before she gets her own place. We won't make much (if anything) off the sale of the house though.

Thanks for the support.

Overall my weekend was good. Did many new and fun things. Sunday night it hit me though that I couldn't share any of this with my W. That was tough.

Still remain NC with W. I decided not to email her back about her house question. I would have liked to have asked her some questions about how she feels and guage her reaction but I decided against it. I'm trying very hard to just leave her alone. I even changed my gym schedule. I go much later in the evening now so I don't run into W. I don't want her to feel that I'm crowding her. Some nights I've gone to the gym to work out and see her car and then I leave and come back later after she has left.

I read the 5 Love Languages book. I think my W falls under Acts of Service which would make sense regarding my job, etc. Some of the others could fit too but I think Acts of Service fits best. There is also another book, 5 Languages of Apology. Has anyone read this book? I think an apology to my W would be Making Restituion, showing W through my actions that I am sorry and have changed.

I was thinking of some of the things my W told me when she left. One of the things she said was something I said to her during an argument about a year ago. I honestly don't ever remember saying what she accused me of saying to her. I do remember the argument. We were both extremely stressed. I do remember she said some things to me that hurt me. Later that day she emailed me to apologize. I also apologized, at least I think I did. It obviously hurt her as it as this was one of five things she told me about (our problems) when she left. As I said I don't remember saying what she thought I said but I'm not going to argue with her. I guess my question here is that I would really like to apologize to her and tell her that I know it must have been important to her as it was one of the things she mentioned when she left. I've fixed or am working on the other things she mentioned when she left...the job, the house, saying I was always angry, and that I smother her. Apologizing for my comments in that argument would at least acknowledge her feelings and hurt on this issue.

I guess I'm just thinking out loud. I know the best thing is to just leave her alone but I sure would like to tell her I'm sorry for that argument. Would it make a difference? Probably not but at least she would know that I am sorry for it.

It's been 7 months now she she left and we still have not talked about M. I think my W will just avoid the entire situation and file for D when she is legally able to do so later this year.

I watched MWD video on FB. It's the 5 minute video about WAWs. It was spot on accurate. I would love to send my W that video. No, I'm not going to. The video is so true though. Yes, sometimes it take us men something like this to wake us up. Once we get it through our thick skulls that we need to make changes we do it in spades. We become the person who would be what our Ws are wanting to see. Ahh, just rambling I guess.

Our 20 year anniversary of our first date is next week. Wow, 20 years, where did the time go? Boy we had some fun times together. I'd love to go and do it all over again, even through the tough times. No, I won't be sending more flowers as I did on her birthday. Would be nice to send a simple card and just say thinking of you but I know I can't do that either if I want to remain NC. This sucks.