GGB- wow, I'm sorry, this sounds sad and complicated. You've probably already thought of this, but is it possible there's a history of abuse here?
That's interesting about the "out of control feeling leading up to an O ". Have you or her IC suggested she try on her own without you there, to get a better feel for her body and be more relaxed with no pressure (even if it's imagined pressure)?
Do you have a priest at your church you could talk to if she won't go to MC? I don't see a problem with both MC and IC, so not sure why she's reluctant. How long does she plan to stay in IC? If you have to wait for her to be done with that, you could be waiting a long time. It sounds to me like you definitely have issues as a couple that she can only make so much progress with in IC. Have you considered IC yourself if she won't do MC? Especially to address the "buried hurt and resentment built up there that I can't always let go of."? I don't think you have anything to lose by having an outlet yourself where you can sort through your feelings. Otherwise, more hurt and resentment is just going to keep building. If you plan to be together the rest of your life, that's a lot of hurt.
Some people have mentioned Retrovaille, which has a Christian basis- have you looked into that? Does she realize exactly how at the end of your rope you are?
You mentioned you've read SSM. Have you tried talking to her about her feelings that are described in the book (she doesn't have to read it, nor do you have to say you're talking from the book), so she feels really understood? Does she have a strong commitment to improving physical relations with you? It would be nice if you could come up with some goals to work towards together. At some point- and I know this b/c I'm the LD spouse, she will have to push herself and take a little risk to push through that anxiety if you guys are going to make progress here. A sex IC or MC could probably help a lot with that...
Have you tried writing her a heartfelt, non-blaming letter to describe how much this is hurting you and how you want and need physical intimacy with her?
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
