I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[beingreal]

So much good advice! Thank you all for taking the time to post. I didn't take my computer to work because I knew I'd be here all day. I couldn't wait to see if anyone had posted.

I did okay today, my boss even commented that I looked really nice today. You wouldn't have known that I spent all day in tears yesterday. I kept busy, kept smiling & my mind only wandered a few times. After 12 hours my stomach started to knot up, but I managed.


*****************Phone just rang--it's H. Kids aren't here, so I let the machine get it. He didn't leave a message. The right thing to do, right???? gak!!! ********************************


So much to touch on...

Thanks for the comment about maybe S8 just didn't want to talk right then. I hadn't considered that. No projecting my crap onto them. They are such good boys. I've seen them trying to *protect* me through this, like little men. I need to make it so they don't feel they have to. They need to be able to be children & not act like adults because the adults just can't manage it.

I'm trying to remember that this is his issue & really has nothing to do with me (except for my part in the breakdown of M). I told my father that early in the split--he was very upset with something H did (took everything out of the garage & left a huge mess that took me three hours to clean) and claimed that he had thrown the first stone. He was ready to go to war. I told him that nobody was throwing stones & NOBODY was going to war. H was throwing a temper tantrum. When S2 gets mad and lashes out it's not because of me, even though it might be AT me. Same thing. I don't stop loving S2 during a tantrum.

~~~I think that is the hardest part in all of this, is knowing that it's okay to say I still love him. So many people IRL just want to start a "let's bash H!!" party. Let's not. You bash him, you bash me because my heart is still very much walking around in his body. I don't have to hate him just because other people *hate* their spouses/xspouses. Still loving someone who has gone off the deep end doesn't make me weak. Or stupid. Or delusional.

It just makes me human.~~~ [/emotional blubbering]


Eric--Good question on why I want to change. I really do want to change those things about myself. Not the good aspect of being strong, or knowing how to stand up for myself. That will always serve me well.

I need to work on not hurting people. People who more often than not don't deserve it. I work in an ER and I can tell you that as humans, we are not kind to one another. Not even a little. I see so much pain and death and suffering every freaking day, sometimes you become numb to it. You forget how something so simple as a smile, or looking someone in the eye when you talk to them can make someone's day, especially if their isn't much human contact, much less kindness, in their lives.

I write a column for our local paper, I take a much different approach than most of the other columnists there. Some take the opportunity to shove their views on *whatever* in people's faces. Some thrive on stirring controversy, thinking that getting people all worked up is the same as fostering open dialogue. I know better. I think there is a common thread among us, something in each of us that makes us part of the same tribe. I think if you can find that thread, that shred of humanity that survives in everyone--even if it's buried under years of bitterness and heartache--if you can find that thread and give it a little tug, you just might be able to pull people together on *some* level. That someone, somewhere, in that instant will feel a little less alone.

And if we feel less alone, then maybe we'll stop being so damn mean to one another. Life is short, and fragile, and I don't want to waste anymore of it being bitchy, or controlling, or snarky . So I need to change.

If I had applied a little of that philosophy to my M, maybe we wouldn't have gotten so far down this path.

Or maybe we would have. I will never know. What I can do now, after reading so much here (with months worth of material ahead of me), is treat H with the same compassion and empathy that I impart to total strangers.

And then treat myself with that same compassion and empathy.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I actually got to put DBing into action today...at work. (!!!)

I got called back to ER at the end of my shift, so as I was going to the call, my coworker motioned that she wanted *something* from me. Very obtuse, I had no idea what she was talking about. She blurted it out, rolled her eyes & made some crass comment. I went to the ER, but instead of thinking "B!tch, wth is her problem?" I stopped myself, thought, "Wow. Well she just got here, I've not had a chance to really tick her off, so I'm going to guess that whatever has her all bent out of shape has nothing to do with me. Ignore & disengage."

I swear to God, I honestly thought all of that. By the time I got back to the department she was fine, smiling, and asked me about the necklace I was wearing.

"Wow. This really does work."


I know it's just a coworker, but I think I'm going to practice on them for awhile since I will have next to no contact with H.


I'm off to read a bit more. I sense the lightbulb starting to flicker on. Need. More. Info.

[ericmsant2]

Shelbel

I've seen them trying to *protect* me through this, like little men. I need to make it so they don't feel they have to. They need to be able to be children & not act like adults because the adults just can't manage it.

Good approach Shel - it's hard. I found that I leaned on my kids alot and I then I realized that this is not there issue. All you can do is really love them. They are not adults so try and shield them as much as possible. Listen to them, respect them and truly be the MOM that you are. They will understand one day and they are looking at how you deal with this.

Still loving someone who has gone off the deep end doesn't make me weak. Or stupid. Or delusional.

No it does not. For me, I finally accepted that I will always love my W but that does not mean that we will be together. It takes time to get to this point. Don't rush, don't push - just go with the natural process of life. To do this though...you must accept that you do not control everything.

I need to work on not hurting people. People who more often than not don't deserve it.

The one comment I would have here..is a piece of advise that Lostforward gave me which was...."be the change and type of person that YOU want to see in the world". A very simple approach but one that is hard to follow. Life's challenges, the nastiness that exist today - all of this can change how we percieve and interact with people. The key is to realize that YOU can CHOOSE to be different. YOU can choose to NOT let anothers action change how you feel.

If I had applied a little of that philosophy to my M, maybe we wouldn't have gotten so far down this path.

Or maybe we would have. I will never know.

You MAYBE right that you may never know why H decided not to face his demons but you sure can look at your role and made the modification so that you become who you want to be.

is treat H with the same compassion and empathy

A very nice place to start.

And then treat myself with that same compassion and empathy.

You do this by GAL'ing, by accepting that EVERYONE (and that includes YOU) will make mistakes. Key is to learn and grow from them.


You sound good Shebel...much better than I was at this stage. You should be proud of yourself. Keep up the good work.

God Bless,
Eric

[Jack_Three_Beans]

~~~I think that is the hardest part in all of this, is knowing that it's okay to say I still love him. So many people IRL just want to start a "let's bash H!!" party. Let's not. You bash him, you bash me because my heart is still very much walking around in his body. I don't have to hate him just because other people *hate* their spouses/xspouses. Still loving someone who has gone off the deep end doesn't make me weak. Or stupid. Or delusional.

: )

Good for you.

I remember telling my friends and family once they told me what they thought I should do, thank you, but here is what I am going to do, and I NEED your support with what I want to do, not what you want me to do. If I cannot have that from you then, I do not need your advice or 'help' and we will not talk about my marriage. My goals mght change later but right now I am going to need your support and help me when I want to give up.

I am impressed Shel.

So...

Why Shelbel?

[Twink]

I remember telling my friends and family once they told me what they thought I should do, thank you, but here is what I am going to do, and I NEED your support with what I want to do, not what you want me to do. If I cannot have that from you then, I do not need your advice or 'help' and we will not talk about my marriage. My goals mght change later but right now I am going to need your support and help me when I want to give up.

This is what I did as well. Later I added that if the time came, and I chose, to reconcile, I would need them to respect my decision, try to forgive as I have, and support us both. I can tell that they don't really understand, but nobody's bailed on me yet :-).

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I told my parents if I can forgive her, you sure the F can.

Yes...

I DID use the F word. At the time it was the right context, when my mom is complaining to me how hard it would be for her to forgive her.

[Twink]

I told my parents if I can forgive her, you sure the F can.

That's pretty much how I worded it as well, without the F. Not that I don't drop the F-bomb at times. Just not with my 90yo mother.

You know, it's not entirely accurate to say that nobody's bailed on me. Younger D has. Not on me, but on me remaining open to reconciliation. She's taken this soooo hard, and no matter how much I encourage her to find compassion and forgiveness, she's just not there yet. And so she remains estranged from H. I will let them work it out.

[beingreal]

I am impressed Shel.

Don't be...I'm the verge of an anxiety attack today, I think. I don't know what got into me, but all I want to do is call him. I don't know wth I'd say, I just want to talk to him.

I know it's not the right thing to do--so I'm not. I was watching a movie with the kids & my mind just kept going there. So I came here instead. Oh, my poor heart. (I really need to lay off the caffeine maybe.)

I told my parents today that this might take a really long time. My mother doesn't get it--she's considering this a conscious decision on H's part. Well, yes and no. She won't get it. I asked her if she thought asking him back right now was the best move--I got an emphatic negatory on that one. And I don't think doing anything drastic, like filing, is the right thing right now. "So what are you going to do?"

Nothing. Everything. Anything I want that doesn't involve him. And after that, well, I don't know.

Just let me get through today. I'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow.


I don't know what to tell people, or when to say it. So I'm just trying to say nothing. Oh Em Gee, this is so hard.


Seriously...I've got nothin' here. I'm just trying to keep from dialing the phone, so I'm hanging out here.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eric, I hope the kids understand one day. I hope they see that it was for the best & I only did it for us. I don't want them to have to live like that anymore. It might be hard with him gone--but it was horrid trying to protect him from his moods.

We are getting a kitten tomorrow, a little black male named Milo. We started this process in March, he's just now old enough to come home. I am so happy that they will have him to focus on from now on. Maybe they won't become so wrapped up in our problems.


Jack--shelbel was a nickname given to me by a coworker that has just stuck for the past 12 years. It was derived from Shelby--which is also not my name, but rather a play on words. lol I wish there was a cuter sotry for you.

I'd love to keep responding but I am exhasted.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!! Thanks for being there for me in my first week of MLCland.

[HeartsBlessing]

The back and forth rollercoaster of negative emotions is a normal one to go through; as all the feelings have to be processed..and sometimes it seems to be MORE than you can handle.

So, you handle one at a time; it's NOT easy to do.

I cannot give advice on how to help small children cope; our son was 15 when my husband was going through his MLC, and old enough to see what was going on..plus old enough to ask questions...even as far as trying to talk me into getting a divorce, as he said I didn't deserve what was happening...he'd observed and heard his dad talking to me like I was the very dirt under his feet more than once...and husband at that time did NOT care that son was in the room with us.

I took the high road with son, explained what I could, and made it clear that right or wrong, husband was STILL his dad, and I would handle the situation, not to worry.
But son did worry, even down the point of making sure I was ok, and sticking closely to me at times...it didn't stop husband from spewing, but I think son was afraid at that time that husband would do something to me physically....it never happened, thank God.

I DO know the children need to be protected as much as humanly possible, as there's no telling what kind of damage gets done to them.


All you can continue to do is detach from his drama, get on with your life, learn as much as you can about this monster, get what life lessons you'll need to learn from this experience, and pray if you're a believer.

God is control of the situation, and letting go is the best thing you can do, besides detaching and creating an emotional distance from his drama....you cannot help him, you can only help yourself.

There are NO guarantees, only possibilities, and you can only hope he comes through and chooses to continue with his marriage and his family. There is NO time limit on this crisis at all...it is up to the individual going through, as it is an emotional battle within HIM.

As each individual is different, each crisis is different, what will work for one will NOT work for another...it depends upon the emotional damage suffered in childhood, and how many issues they must face and heal within.

This is a time to "take stock" of where they've come from, where they have been and where they are going with their lives.

Unfortunately some panic and run away, getting stuck in the stage of Replay(forever trying to be young, self medicating with a number of things designed to avoid their issues); but on the flip side of the coin, some come through, facing all they need to face, and come on out changed for the better in preparation for the next half of their lives.

There will be similarities, but no one crisis will come out exactly the same, each individual person IS different in how they face/run away from this crisis.

It will take time for you to adjust and really begin to understand what has happened..then all you can do is work on YOU, and hope the MLC'er will come to his senses, and make the necessary changes, in that process learning the SAME lessons you will be learning.

The path he is on, and the one you are on are separate at this time. You will most always be ahead of him, as you are considered the "strong" one.

This is NOT going to be easy to navigate, and the more you learn, the more knowledge you will gain, as knowledge is indeed, power.

There is not much more I can tell you, my own experience was such that my husband didn't leave home physically, but he did leave mentally.
He had his time over the road as a truck driver at that time, but there was a time when I had to deal with him for a little over three months as he was home full-time, because he was unable to find a job.

Through all the threats he made to leave, I never asked mine to leave; as I knew if I did, he would not have returned...I knew him THAT well. My choice.

This does NOT work for everyone...each person knows their limits, and I never did reach mine; only endured the best I knew how during the time he was in my face.

I hope some of this will help you; you are welcome to ask questions of me; I will answer based on my own experiences.

You will find, in time, that you will be all right regardless of how this comes out....you cannot see this clearly now, but you will.

Much love,
HB

[ericmsant2]

Shelbel

FTR...IMO....I think you held up well in your first week. I pretty much did everything that you were not supposed to do - so please..cut yourself some slack.

I know you want to call him...sh*t i followed my W around the house like a puppy dog looking for some crumbs. I spent months looking for some "sign" that she was coming out of it. That maybe today she realized how much I love her. First off, the desire to call is normal dear...very normal. You experiencing shock right now. You are going to have bouts of loneliness, you will feel sad..you may see something that reminds of some of the positives that existed in your M. Now I am not trying to scare you but only point out that you are not loosing it...on the contrary - YOU ARE FACING IT!

I am not sure if you read the DR book but if you did I want to you re-read the section on "thought stopping". When you have those thoughts of him, those moments of missing him...thought stop...changeyour thoughts.

You are doing good Shelbel...really good.

God Bless,
Eric

[Cadet]

Eric, according to page one she read the DR book(almost finished).

Shel, How you doing with my homework assignments. I know you read a lot so use this weekend when this board is a little bit quiet to start on those. When you feel like calling him you can always read instead.

If you have questions about the readings we can help.