SCH - I see that you are only considering the option of living in separate cities? What happened to the option of you moving to his city that you entertained a while ago. He doesn't want that anymore? Or you don't...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
HE will not entertain the option of us moving to his city because of my career (but that should be my choice), the kids now being settled here in this other city (but they still have their old friends in the other city anyways), and I don't know why else (to keep his options open?). And HE can't get a job in my city, though he's in demand there.
Interesting your H worded it that way. Did he say this to you or someone else? I don't know...but since it came out of his mouth and they are just words, I wouldn't worry too much about it! Back to the "believe nothing they say" thing...
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
SCH - Look at what is the more important part of that statement for you... Is it the "EX" or is it the "keeping a candle lit" I personally would concentrate on the "keeping a candle lit" and ignore the rest.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
SCH, So your H popped in from the mothership on a brief layover. When they're on this journey their concept of time and history is all screwed up. Who knows why he used the term ex, it is very strange, but the thing is he probably won't remember saying it. 'Keeping the candle lit' on the other hand is a choice...
Question, PLEASE, please tell me what you think...
I don't seem to be able to "VALIDATE" what he says, and now WH's talk about reconciling is fading.
He says it's not HIS fault that we are apart, that he did the right thing by leaving when he did, that he was saving us from growing apart, that he wants to be with me just not live with me. He doesn't want other people to think he's responsible for what's going on, I should tell people it was mutual, and maybe we can work from there. But everyone knows that he left, he told everyone at the time, made a huge deal about it.
Do I start to lie, say it was mutual, to see if that helps him get back some self-esteem in the relationship, or to validate what the MLCer says, in hopes of standing for the M, or just leave it be?
SCH - I understand that he doesn't want to be blamed and reminded forever of what he did, and how wrong it was. Just him bringing it up shows me that he is ashamed of it.
You can try to validate this way - "I understand that you needed to leave to sort things out and to give us space. We can now work on our relationship and make it better then ever".
You don't have to explain to other people who did what and assign blame. If they ask tell them that it's between the two of you and that you are both working on it.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
