Came home today to an empty house. says it all really.
WAW came back after a 5 month walkout when she had left me with the kids.
She had a 4 week affair during the walk out.
She came back and confessed all, left college, avoided all contact with OM, and eventually threw out all reminders of him.
2 M ago, she started to drift away from me, ie no return texts, touching, calling me love, ect.
And today this bomb shell.
She has arranged another place to live, and taken everything of hers. I still have furniture ect.
She has the boys.
She phoned me and said she would drop the boys off here on tomorrow @11am till Monday.
I gave it an hour and then text back telling her to make it @2pm as I would be out.
Question?....
What next?
What can I expect?
What have people who this has happened to before done about it that made things worse, or what they should have done better in hindsight.
Strangely, I feel ok at the moment.
I have been expecting this in some way for about a month, and so through other advice I received and what I have read, of that has been given to other people. I am not in a pit of depression.
Angry, YES.
But, Detached from it all at the moment.
The one thing I do want to do is not make hasty judgements based on anger or emotion which I will later regret.
So...?
Firstly, Do I let her bring the kids here, to their home, or do I meet her at a neutral location.
My anger at the first meeting, well, may make me say something silly and regretful. Or the same for her.
At a neutral spot at least it would be cordial and more controlled.
Advice on this?
Do I stop the joint account - and for at least until she could receive some government benefits, her access to my money. She has some money to last her, perhaps for a month or 2, but I don't want the kids to suffer and be used as pawns.
Or do I continue to offer access to the money and trust she will not be stupid? Cutting her off shows a determination on my behalf, but it does close the door a little further, and start her digging her heels in to prove her determination.
My instinct is to allow her access to the account.
BUT.....
I have followed this type of action / instinct before, and it has led me here.
I have a growing feeling to close the account and make a stand. Not out of anger, oh no, not out of anger. But to make a demonstration that I am ready for the break up. It would help clear my mind and let me focus upon the actions that are needed and not the emotional & 'hopeful' responses that show I will continue waiting.....and hoping.
And so I eventually arrive at the true conundrum.
I do honestly believe that this is resolvable, and will be resolved in that the family will be back together.
But now at the moment the family is broken - she is blaming me for this at the moment, and has not accepted her part in this.
But that is her problem, and I cant fix that.
I feel that it is time for me to break away, square my shoulders, grow some nads, and stop fence sitting - these splinters in my arse are getting septic..
My aims are to detach from her more.
Continue communication when I am ready.
Look after myself.
Be in control of me and my world.
Reduce her influence upon me and accept the worst and plan for it.
Question?
Do I seek legal advice ?
Do I petition for Divorce?
Whilst things seem amicable at the moment, should I seek professional advice with regards to the boys?
I ask for you to help me not make emotional judgements, but ones based upon previous results and proven actions from fellow poor souls who have gone through this.
I am a little muddled as there are so many imponderables.
But let us start at the beginning.
Where do we meet up for an exchange of the boys?
What paths have people followed in the past...?
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
let her drop the boys off at your home, she doesn't have to come in, she can bring them to the door and you let them in and then tell her "thank you".
Who came up with the custody arrangement? Is this something she drummed up or is this something you agreed to? Does it work for your schedule? Can you handle more time with the kids? Can you take the kids for an equal amount of time? If so, you should do it and tell her that you've decided you want the kids for half of the time. Come up with a schedule that works for both of you, ie. 1 week + 1 weekend and then swap the kids, 7 days each.
As far as the joint back account, she wants to move out, let her face the reality of that decision which probably involves, working, getting a full-time job, and putting on her "big girl panties" and taking on adult responsibility. She can't just assume you will bank roll her new living arrangements, bills, child support while she lives a life having affairs and seeking out new relationships. That would be dumb on her part and it wouldn't be smart for you to enable her. The real world costs money, let her take care of it, she's an adult, she can handle it, if she complains that it's tough, the real world is tough, nobody is given a free ride, we all have to work to make our way in this world.
I am not a success story but my story is similar to yours. Not identical..just similar.
First and foremost: Take care of yourself and your kids. Period. That's what matters most right now.
Second: Decide what you want. Do you want to save your marriage? If so, then don't antagonize, don't provoke and don't go on the attack. Look at every thing you say and do through this lense. Is what you are saying/doing going to push her away or bring her closer?
If you want to end your marriage..if you are honestly done..then protect yourself, protect your kids and protect your money.
If you don't know what you want to do then you need to be patient and figure that out. I would say that the kids should be with you in what they know as "home" until you two can get this sorted. That's what I'm doing. Our son is with me until the end of school. This summer I'm changing jobs and he's moving to where his Mom is working. It's not fun, it's not easy but it's the closest thing to a "normal" change of events that we could manage. I still want my marriage to work so I'm giving some concessions and not digging in my heels on much at all. But, that's because I honestly believe I know what my wife needs from me right now and that is support and understanding. Even though she says she's "done" and "desperate to sever the relationship" there are other signs/signals that she is doubting that as the "right" decision. So, my anger is mine. I deal with it. I don't vent, I don't retaliate...my anger is mine.
I need to be the kind of person she wants to be around, wants to talk to, wants to share things with...right now, that ain't happening too much and that's hard.
For you...decide what you want. If you want to save this marriage then you're going to have to let her go for a bit with the full understanding that she may never come back. That's a hard pill to swallow but it's the truth. There is nothing you can do to MAKE her stay. She has to WANT to stay so it's up to you to create a person and an environment that she wants to be a part of.
Hang in there...read through this forum and read the Divorce Remedy by Michelle. It's got some really good information in there.
Best of luck to you...you're in for a loooong ride.
With regard to the money..I agree...if it's YOUR money then she doesn't get access to it. Cut her off and let her live her "new life" with that bit of harsh reality.
By all damn means, allow the kids to come back to THEIR house. And by all means file a temporary custody order to keep them in THEIR house and thus setting the path to a parenting agreement and the precedence for what is best for the kids.
And for the love of god, I hope in the half hour it's been since you've asked your question and gotten the unanimous answer, you've already hacked off her access to money. Now, if some of it is in fact hers, paycheck or whatever, cut her a check for the balance and that is all. Fair is fair.
That said, this a prime example, and nothing against you, where left behind spouses, mainly husbands need to be cautious when giving the relationship another try. Cover your butts! No more joint accounts. Simply nothing that can jeapordize you financially in the event of failure. I am back with my (x)W, previously, she ran the show, she had full control of all the money. Ummmm, not any more. I have my account, she has hers. I have my money, she has hers. Within reason, if one of us run short, we'll help each other out. But NEVER, and I mean NEVER is there a snowballs chance in hell that we will EVER have a joint account again. Pisses her off, and I don't care. If and when she wants to get re-married to me, great, PRE-NUP baby, don't like it? Tough sh!t. You flipped off on me once like a light switch, made the worse of a broken situation once already. Who's to say you won't do it again?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
She has made a choice to organise a new home, pay rent, get rid of some her clutter last week, organise a way of moving her stuff( her family did this), take the kids out of school early today and finally take my children away from me.
Unfortunately the banks are closed at the moment, but in the morning I intend to change the bank details. I justify this by reasoning this will safeguard my home, and so my boys will always have somewhere to come.
There is no custody 'agreement' at the moment. When she left last time, I had the boys whenever I was not at work, ie 60% custody. It will be different this time because she has ALL their stuff. So she will be dropping off whatever they need when they are at mine. So I will be the minority party in terms of custody. This will for the time being be a 'ad hock' arrangement.
Me and the WAW spoke when I got home. She kept saying she was sorry for this, and she did not want it to be this way.
She will be at the moment very agreeable where the boys are concerned.
The lack of a road map is a little daunting.
I still do not have the 'pit of despair' feeling that I had when she left the first time. It just isn't there.
So a plan is forming slowly.....
1/ Sort out the banking details
2/ Sort out some sleeping arrangements for my boys.(they have no bed)
3/ Enjoy my time with the boys.
4/ Arrange the time share of my boys on my terms.
5/ Maintain minimal contact and keep communication short. This will give me time to reflect upon events and what has been said.
6/ Measure her actions against mine to avoid being aggressive. If she has taken a step then I allow myself to take a step of equal measure and give myself the freedom to justify it.
7/ Maintain the initiative with my boys without being awkward.
If I do not allow her to enter the house, this will be seen as being awkward and will prevent us from a moment to talk about how we will time share the boys.
Regards, Gyn
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
