Need Help with Husband's MLC

[JeanBean]

He has been so back and forth on everything that I do believe he wants his own place but is not sure whether he wants to be done or not and is worried about the finanical impact on our 3 children and how they will live.

When we split up before he told me he respected me now he has no respect for me at all. I had become an escape goat for him and think the same pattern happened again accept alot worse because now it is MLC too. Uggghhhh!

We even talked about him getting his own place and staying at our house 3-4 days a week and not tell the children. We would say that he needed to do it for work. He said he needed to focus on himself and getting well and what terrible shape he was in and he couldn't do it living in our household. I agreed to this and told him that if that is what he needed o.k., I was not happy that he was so miserable in our house but he needs to be healthy and if he needs that, we should do it. Than he never did anything about it and got mad at me because I did not make it happen.

It is like he keeps waiting for me to do something about what he wants to do or change all the things he doesn't like about me all at once and just gets frustrated because I don't meet the "standard" and don't do anything. Kinda like these little "tests" to see if I pass and when I don't an "I told you so".

I feel like sometimes he does things so that I will kick him out so he doesn't have to be the "bad guy" but I told him that I will not kick him out and I will not leave. He has told me that he is going to make my life as miserable as possible so I can see how much we should not be together.

I asked him before why he just doesn't leave if I make his life so miserable and he said that I needed to suffer. I asked him why he thought things have been so easy for me, I have had the losses right along with him and I am hurting and trying to heal too but I don't blame him, what good does blame do to help anything?

He got mad and yelled at me last night because our 3 year old son kept coming in the room while he was helping our daughter with her homework and I "didn't control him". He didn't care what I had - "my ADD or whatever the Hell makes me not pay attention!"

He told me that I don't care about anything, that I treat that just like I do anything else - I don't care about it. I did not really respond and avoided him the rest of the evening. I finally went to him and told him that I AM fixing the messes that I have made and he said the damage was done and he is really tired and stressed and he can't take the stress anymore.

He told me a few days ago he is going to help me get a new car because mine is old and falling apart and than he is done.

Than he made a comment to the babysitter this am that he likes his women lively and was flirting with her.

He is an aggressive person usually but does use passive agressive too to get to me and sometimes I definately take the bait. He has said sometimes, "don't hate the player, hate the game". I asked him what that meant. Currently he is making rude remarks jokingly and I don't take the bait or say "yeah, I know and laugh".

I think he honestly has some legitimate reasons to be mad at me but he is acting like a giant child and taking no responsiblity for his part in anything or trying to turn anything around. He has always been a hot-head with a strong personality and very stubborn. He was raised to "fight" and that is how he approaches things.

I think he would feel very crummy leaving because he knows the kids will be hurt because they adore both of us and financially things would be difficult for both of us more so than they are now. He remembers his childhood and how horrible it was and does not want that for them and some days he says, "kids are resilient, they will adapt".

I don't come from a broken home and I really hate this and it is unnatural to me. I remember growing up and feel like the problems are created by "us" and the solutions can happen with "us" but he doesn't see it like I do and we have 2 different experiences. I see "us" against the outside and internal elements to fight against and he sees me and our relationship as what he needs to fight against.

I believe in forgiveness, compromise, and agreeing to disagree. I don't need to "win" and I don't have bad ethics or morals because I don't want to fight about everything and just pick my battles. I believe everyone makes mistakes and no matter how frustrating it may be to be patient if they don't get it, why shouldn't you if you love them? They aren't you and aren't supposed to be.

Aside from money and the kids I think part of the reason he has not left is because I am not bad to him, I am not mean to him (usually) and only defend myself if provoked, I try to treat him with love and respect no matter how he acts and even if I have to go and cry because it hurt my feelings. He has said before that he knows I would do anything for him but it is always the stuff he doesn't need, not what he really needs.

Therein lies my dilemma, I am supposed to "figure out" what that is which I am not good at so I have been looking at the way I was taught to be supportive and how it does not seem to be what HE NEEDS for support and what would show him that I can support and respect him and that I really do listen to him. I think I need to do the total opposite of everything I have been doing and see how that works out.

At the same time I am rebuilding my confidence and doing things for me that make me feel better about myself. Two things going on - keeping my eyes on my plate and my issues but also being there for my husband not for the BS stuff but when he is "real" for those moments when he is "himself" so he can talk to me and share with me if he wants to, tuning out the rubbish and responding to his hurt and pain when he wants to share it and trying very hard not to get sucked into the games. :o)