odga - hey dude, thanks for throwing them words right back at me, i deserved that one! LOL
deb - yeah, i think that is just the point deb, that other people can see the good, but when your living it it's hard - that is where confusion sets in
shiny - oh sure, lay some of that psycho babble on me! LOL - really just kidding, actually i was hoping you would have stopped by and give me a dose of scientific reasoning instead of pure emotional response - will be handling your statements in my update!
sage - yes, i believe you and shiny have hit upon something - i think there is a fundamental belief "core" feeling that gives me the impression that it won't work, will be journaling thru that in my update
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FIRST THE POSITIVES
1) when hubby came home last night from picking up the boys, i got a DOUBLE hug...yes, not one, but TWO hugs in a row!!!
2) i fixed dinner last night, and he seriously enjoyed it. felt good to cook something all by myself and let the family enjoy it
3) hubby sought me out this morning for a goodbye hug. i fixed him a sandwich and a piece of poundcake for his workday and he looked like he truly appreciated it
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ok, let's go with shiny's thoughts first. first she says it may be something i am not even aware of. i think she might be right.
the two that hit me over the head like a ton of bricks were:
Nothing I do can change things
People never really change
let's start with the "nothing i do can change things" - i do have this belief system in my head, and i think that is why i constantly try to CONTROL things so that i can fight this. i don't want to believe this - but no matter how i try in life it seems that this comes true. i do believe that i get so far in life and then i give up short of goal. i think this stems from how many times i have had to move in my life - never in one place long enough so that i can achieve any long term goals - including friendships.
so in reference to this relationship, i go back to believing that i can't change things. oh yeah, i see forward movement, but do i see a reaching of a goal? NO - that i can say quite honestly i can't. i see hubby and i not ending up spending our lives together. that is the ultimate goal i see (and probably self fulfilling prophecy waiting to happen) - i see that as the goal because that is how all my other relationships have ended.
i get jealous of people who have life long friends. i don't have any. i moved around so much that i never had a chance to develope anything like that. is that what i am trying to do with my marriage? hmmmm, this will take more pondering
let's deal with the second on "people never really change" - hmmm, this is a catch 22 for me. i look at myself and ask, have i REALLY changed? i cannot truthfully answer yes, because i feel so many of the same familiar feelings and by now i think i should be past it. now if i cannot change, how can i expect HUBBY to change?
but, have i really NOT changed? i cannot look at his objectively i believe. i guess this goes back to the thing about changing things, since i believe i can't change things, what makes me think that i can really change myself?
let's ponder on what sage said
a fundamental belief that i am lovable. ok, let's dig into this. anywhere i have ever been i have never had a difficulty in MAKING friends. i am a very friendly person, and i make friends easily. but in looking over my life, i do see that each time i had to move something mysterious happened with my closest friends. just before my move my friends and i would have massive fights. was this a preparation of me leaving and causing these fights so that i could better bear the brunt of hurt that comes from moving. if i left mad then by all means, i wouldn't miss them as much.
hmmm - quite an aha moment for me there - i threatened hubby MANY times to leave, and it was always when i was horrifically mad at him. was this a play out of past feelings? i am thinking now looking back that i was preparing myself like i had in the past, get mad and leave, and that way you won't miss him. since i have left everything else in my life, why did i think that my marriage would be any different
after all, i left my first marriage
hmmm - i have alot of things to think about.
here is another thing peeps
what good is learning all this stuff about yourself if it doesn't help the relationship you are trying to save
