1) hubby had a good day at work yesterday! he called me about 4 times from work to tell me various things but mostly things look like they are picking up
2) hubby went to work this morning, doesn't usually work on saturdays but wants to grab the gold while he can. he looked me out to give me a hug goodbye
3) when i got home from my biweekly trip to charlotte, hubby and daughter were watching wizard of oz together, so i finished it with them, and hubby was very attentive. kept giving me little touches and stuff
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today is 6th month anniversary...think i will go open a beer - oh wait, maybe i should wait until noon, but wait, it's noon somewhere eh???
water - no - no comments yet from hubby about the letters, but i plan on it being a daily thing during the week. feel funny about sending it during the weekend when we are together all weekend
jeannine - yup, the beer was flowing yesterday! hubby didn't know it but he was celebrating it with me. imagine, 6 months and we are still together!!! LOL
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POSITIVES
1) dang if hubby didn't fix a fantabulous london broil last night and some of his crab salad again. we watched a movie together, and then i promptly fell asleep! LOL - i have got to stay up later!!!
2) hubby woke up in a GOOD mood this morning and was joking around with me, and telling me about his dream...LOL
3) he got four more orders over the weekend and he is super psyched about it and is sharing with me plans for the future of this business. he just called a few minutes ago to have me start to put my thinking cap on on better shipping methods
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has an interesting conversation on im today with holdingon. basically it was about negative thoughts bringing negative results in life, and the opposite supposing to be a truism in itself
i have no problem in seeing and believing that negative thoughts can bring about negative results in life, i see it in my life and also in others.
but if the opposite is supposed to be true, how come i don't feel that way? i am really focusing on trying to be positive, to look at the positives in my sitch, but why do i think MY HUSBAND will be the one that won't benefit from these positives? why do i feel that no matter how positive i am - he still doesn't want this marriage?
even tho i see time and time again the benefits of dbn on this board, why do i think it wont work for me?
oh don't get me wrong. i am not giving up - but there is always something in the back of my mind that says "this is not going to work"
kitti, I think we need support from our friends here! And like odga said, " your H will be comin' round the mountain. i see a lot of good things, even if you don't!
Quote: oh don't get me wrong. i am not giving up - but there is always something in the back of my mind that says "this is not going to work"
I'll put my psychology hat on here and suggest, Kitti, that this feeling/thought has its roots in one or another "Mistaken Belief" that you may or may not even be aware of.
These are common precursers of both anxiety and depression problems. They are the "Parents" of the negative thoughts we hear so often.
So what might your Mistaken Belief be?
Here are some common ones:
The world is a dangerous place
No one can be trusted
I don't deserve happiness
I don't deserve love
I'm somehow fundamentally "broken" (thus what works for others will not work for me)
Nothing I do can change things
People never really change
If any of these strike a chord, or a variation of your own comes up the thing to do is CHALLENGE this belief.
Where is the SOLID evidence for it? IS it in fact immutable? List all possible evidence that REFUTES this belief.
And WHY, even if you can find some evidence to support it, SHOULD you keep nurturing it when it brings nothing but negativity?
As I posted to Pam earlier today: I tell my students this:
Your thoughts are just thoughts...you don't have to believe all of them!"
Quote: i have no problem in seeing and believing that negative thoughts can bring about negative results in life, i see it in my life and also in others.
but if the opposite is supposed to be true, how come i don't feel that way? i am really focusing on trying to be positive, to look at the positives in my sitch, but why do i think MY HUSBAND will be the one that won't benefit from these positives? why do i feel that no matter how positive i am - he still doesn't want this marriage?
even tho i see time and time again the benefits of dbn on this board, why do i think it wont work for me?
oh don't get me wrong. i am not giving up - but there is always something in the back of my mind that says "this is not going to work"
well...not sure I can tell you why...but I sure can relate.
I think as shiny suggests the "this isn't gonna work" feeling is still a byproduct of negative thinking...not the sporadic application of negative thoughts but something more "core", more "fundamental" and hence, more pervasive.
for me...I guess it's the sense that I am sort of inherently "unloveable"or "unchoseable". That feeling, of course, didn't get any better with h's ea or the aftermath but in some space I think that drives the point home that "It" (the positives) can't come from external sources...it just has to come from some fundamental belief that I AM loveable, etc. regardless of what happens with my m, etc.
Anyway...that's just me...as I said....but maybe there's some core thought for you, too?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
odga - hey dude, thanks for throwing them words right back at me, i deserved that one! LOL
deb - yeah, i think that is just the point deb, that other people can see the good, but when your living it it's hard - that is where confusion sets in
shiny - oh sure, lay some of that psycho babble on me! LOL - really just kidding, actually i was hoping you would have stopped by and give me a dose of scientific reasoning instead of pure emotional response - will be handling your statements in my update!
sage - yes, i believe you and shiny have hit upon something - i think there is a fundamental belief "core" feeling that gives me the impression that it won't work, will be journaling thru that in my update
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FIRST THE POSITIVES
1) when hubby came home last night from picking up the boys, i got a DOUBLE hug...yes, not one, but TWO hugs in a row!!!
2) i fixed dinner last night, and he seriously enjoyed it. felt good to cook something all by myself and let the family enjoy it
3) hubby sought me out this morning for a goodbye hug. i fixed him a sandwich and a piece of poundcake for his workday and he looked like he truly appreciated it
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ok, let's go with shiny's thoughts first. first she says it may be something i am not even aware of. i think she might be right.
the two that hit me over the head like a ton of bricks were:
Nothing I do can change things
People never really change
let's start with the "nothing i do can change things" - i do have this belief system in my head, and i think that is why i constantly try to CONTROL things so that i can fight this. i don't want to believe this - but no matter how i try in life it seems that this comes true. i do believe that i get so far in life and then i give up short of goal. i think this stems from how many times i have had to move in my life - never in one place long enough so that i can achieve any long term goals - including friendships.
so in reference to this relationship, i go back to believing that i can't change things. oh yeah, i see forward movement, but do i see a reaching of a goal? NO - that i can say quite honestly i can't. i see hubby and i not ending up spending our lives together. that is the ultimate goal i see (and probably self fulfilling prophecy waiting to happen) - i see that as the goal because that is how all my other relationships have ended.
i get jealous of people who have life long friends. i don't have any. i moved around so much that i never had a chance to develope anything like that. is that what i am trying to do with my marriage? hmmmm, this will take more pondering
let's deal with the second on "people never really change" - hmmm, this is a catch 22 for me. i look at myself and ask, have i REALLY changed? i cannot truthfully answer yes, because i feel so many of the same familiar feelings and by now i think i should be past it. now if i cannot change, how can i expect HUBBY to change?
but, have i really NOT changed? i cannot look at his objectively i believe. i guess this goes back to the thing about changing things, since i believe i can't change things, what makes me think that i can really change myself?
let's ponder on what sage said
a fundamental belief that i am lovable. ok, let's dig into this. anywhere i have ever been i have never had a difficulty in MAKING friends. i am a very friendly person, and i make friends easily. but in looking over my life, i do see that each time i had to move something mysterious happened with my closest friends. just before my move my friends and i would have massive fights. was this a preparation of me leaving and causing these fights so that i could better bear the brunt of hurt that comes from moving. if i left mad then by all means, i wouldn't miss them as much.
hmmm - quite an aha moment for me there - i threatened hubby MANY times to leave, and it was always when i was horrifically mad at him. was this a play out of past feelings? i am thinking now looking back that i was preparing myself like i had in the past, get mad and leave, and that way you won't miss him. since i have left everything else in my life, why did i think that my marriage would be any different
after all, i left my first marriage
hmmm - i have alot of things to think about.
here is another thing peeps
what good is learning all this stuff about yourself if it doesn't help the relationship you are trying to save
but in some space I think that drives the point home that "It" (the positives) can't come from external sources...it just has to come from some fundamental belief that I AM loveable, etc. regardless of what happens with my m, etc.