I think your doing great Mila! Going dark is very hard. Hope you have a great weekend!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
It's so hard to know what to do, even when you normally know how to relate or react to people. Because it's a dysfunctional relationship, not a normal one! There is no right answer, but it seems, time.
People say to me on this board, when I don't know what to do, to just do nothing and things will become clearer in time. Good luck!
"cool and businesslike Mila on tap"...is that a new kind of liquor/beer? LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!
Sorry, just HAD to interject some humor in here. I learned to laugh ALOT while things were going on...life is TOO short to be down, out and sad all of the time.
Mila, the Lord is letting me know you are right on target with the way you are going. STAY DARK, wait and watch.
I can't say that I'm "new" at this, but even after all these years, I'm always one to watch and see if what I see comes to pass. There are SO many factors that can interfere. The future itself is liquid and can be changed at the drop of a hat, while the past is set in stone, meant to be learned from...if that makes sense.
I also see that you DID get another call from OW's husband..and the advice the psychologist gave him was good...I hope he stays the course on it.
When He gives instruction, it generally goes against what we've been taught, but is for good reason....to continue to enable people in bad behaviors after giving them a chance to rectify the wrong, is NOT good for the person that is enabling. It also opens the door to go into a cycle that can continue as long as a stand is NOT made by the LBS.
That is true of ANY behavior that "cycles". The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.
So, something DIFFERENT must be done to try and break a cycle of bad behavior.
If I'm not mistaken, your husband had done this THREE times, at least, and each time, his weakness was his undoing.
That is why this "last resort" is in place..NO CONTACT, staying dark/dim...trusting in the Lord for the outcome as it has now been let go of into His hands; besides the fact that this is a "180" for you...and has never been done before.
If I read you correctly, earlier, have you seen the total outcome of coming through this WITH your husband? I THOUGHT I had read this somewhere earlier in your thread. Correct me if I'm wrong.
With that said:
Remember that even though you might see that total outcome, all the steps/decisions/paths walked must STILL be taken to get there...and there are times when things do not look right, smell right or taste right. Time is a factor NO ONE can predict..as the decision to come back, work on the marriage, growing through all of this crisis, belongs to the MLC'er alone.
That is why we must gain the strength to accept ALL possibilities of this crisis, but still believe the Lord will work things out, REGARDLESS of happens.
Although my marriage came back together, I STILL had to see and accept all that could possibly happen, long before it all ended; trusting the Lord for everything.
I had to bring my thoughts into subjection with the Lord's help, letting it ALL go so God could do His work within my husband.
The lessons must STILL be learned, the growing must be done, and the changes effected and completed within you must be permanent.
All I know at this point is the Lord has assured me that things are going as they must at this time. Stay open to His guidance; He will instruct you when something needs to change.
I'm here to let you know that the path you're on at this time is a correct one, and He has been gracious enough to allow me to see a few things for you...it's enough to allow you to understand that He has His hand upon your situation and is working within.
Now, that doesn't mean He won't give me something else at a later time, but this is how things stand at this time.
The Lord has also confirmed once again, that your husband is "testing the waters" trying to break your darkness....your husband is confused on the surface as to why you've not answered him, but deep within, he KNOWS why, but is still trying to draw you back into being his staunchion/pillar of strength like you were before so this will be OK...we know it's NOT; but he doesn't like the confusion he's experiencing within, nor does he like the fear that is starting; fear that this time he has gone TOO far. And he SHOULD be worried in that way. Adultery is serious business, a marriage that's torn asunder, and open door to exit, if you chose to. He is finding the OW is not YOU...and that becomes MORE clear as each day passes.
Time will continue to tell. Continue to pray the hedge of thorns prayer, continue to work on yourself, stay dark, and give this all time to work.
The Lord has all things within His control, and is currently working on your husband.
Have a good day.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I love SA's advice here - having a cool and buisness like Mila on tap - what a fabulous picture to hold onto.
I have been working on exactly the same principal - polite - but my husband needs to REALLY FEEL the consequences of his actions and the impact they have had on my relationship with him - I am not talking being rotten or cruel as that's not right but essentially rebuilding a new relationship from the ground up, one little brick at a time.
Thinking of you
lalxx
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
Jumping right into your thread without catching up Mila
I've been dim for 4 months -- largely because H has been dim with me and I've respected that.
It helps me to CONSTANTLY remind myself that I'm on my own journey and H is on his. HB, your writings are so helpful for understanding that.
Wishing you strength with your new strategy Mila . It sounds like a very healthy 180 for you.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
SA, CW, Kissak, SCH, HB, Lalxx & FM thank you all for your posts
"cool and businesslike Mila on tap" - Yup that's me
You all seem to be in agreement that dark/dim is the way to go right now...I'm sticking to it even though it's tough. And it will be even tougher when he is back in town. We will have to meet and talk about business issues and personal finances. Have to find a way to do it without appearing angry or short or controlling....challenge
Quote:
If I'm not mistaken, your husband had done this THREE times, at least, and each time, his weakness was his undoing
HB - he is still so obsessed with this woman...he thinks that she is the "cat's meow" and can do no wrong. Every time she whistles he jumps and now she has left her husband for him. I'm hoping that the blinders are slowly coming off...the more time they spend together the better.
Quote:
The lessons must STILL be learned, the growing must be done, and the changes effected and completed within you must be permanent.
I'm it total agreement HB...it applies to both of us - WH & me.
Quote:
He is finding the OW is not YOU...and that becomes MORE clear as each day passes
That's what I'm counting on HB
Quote:
rebuilding a new relationship from the ground up, one little brick at a time
lalxx - That's what it is, isn't it. The old marriage is dead and it needs to be rebuild from the ground up.
Flow - 4 months of dimness for you? That's long...I guess you are just matching your H's behavior, still must be really hard. The problem with my H is that he wants to be my best friend and business partner while leaving me to be with OW.
Last edited by Mila; 05/14/1006:30 PM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Although your H is on an adventure to find happiness with OW it does sound as if he continues to move forward through the tunnel towards the light of knowledge.
I pray that your patience is rewarded with your H making the right decision.
Libby - it must feel like an adventure for him...somewhat dangerous adventure I would say. Thanks for you prayers
Received 2 emails from H today. One personal - cc'd me the reply to the Dude ranch people, telling them that he will get back to them about our dates in a few days. Second e-mail was business but at the end he added
"you are not responding to any of my emails..."
I wonder when is he going to get mad at me...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
The problem with my H is that he wants to be my best friend and business partner while leaving me to be with OW.
Wants to be your friend? Silly isn't it? Mine does similar, but it's the weirdest thing - my friends don't treat me like that. They do that though. Tell themselves they want to be friends. Cake eating to some degree. Confusing for all involved.
Stay strong!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
