Completely Blindsided

[blind]

OK, fed, showered and laying in bed... still feeling pretty down... so instead of sitting here stewing, or running wish fulfillment fantasies through my head (When I'm rich and famous, *I* will turn *HER* down!), I'm going to try and take some advice from this board and stop 'feeding my black dog'.

I am truly thankful for:

- My parents. The have accepted me back into their lives at a moments notice, fed me, sheltered me, and loved me. I have stability and security under which to try and pull myself back together, and it is all thanks to them.

-The weather. Even when it's cold it's beautiful. This morning dropped down to 5degress, which just meant we had a thick low laying fog that dissipated as the sun burnt through the early morning.

- Food. Good, clean, cheap, healthy, tasty food. My appetite isn't huge these days, so I'm filling it with the best tasting things I can find.... which leads me to:

-Losing weight. I've dropped so much already, and it's really just falling off still. I'm getting more and more nice compliments from random strangers.

-Dancing. Lord, thank you for dancing. I may have shared it with her, but it was mine long before we met. I love the feeling of movement. I love losing yourself in the intense concentration. I love feeling like I'm flying and my feet barely skimming the ground.

-Money. Sure, sounds shallow compared to the others so far, but I love actually having money. After so long tightening the budget for the big move, having money to... not burn, but INVEST into me is just an amazing thing. I can afford to save for a car while dancing every night of the week and meeting friends for meals as often as possible and STILL have left over. It won't last forever, but it's there for the now. I guess what I really love is "POSSIBILITY"!

-Text messages. I have at least 3-4 good friends who just hammer me with texts. Even when they're sad, even when they're depressing, even when they're just a simple "Hey, how much do things suck today mate?", they're a sneak attack virtual hug from a person who just needs to let you know how much they love you no matter where they are on this earth. That's something incredibly special.

-My friends. I know it's low on the list, and should probably rate a little higher (though after 6 years in the UK, they'd have to be pretty darn good to rate above the weather!). It's down here because whenever I thought of one, I thought of another and another, and it just made me realise that there are so many different people in my life in different places who mean so many different things... how could you capture them all in just one section? So, I wont. Seeing as I'm feeding the white dog here, lets spell it out:
-SS: the first one I told, and just an amazing rock of support and a truly wonderful person.
-MB: the one who shares what I'm going through and is willing to live through it a second time, even though it KILLS her, just because she loves her mate.
-NS: The little sister I always wanted... and would have been jealous as all hell of. Beautiful, intelligent and just a wonderous ball of innocence and laughter.
-AS: A true stalwart. Doesn't always know the right things to say, but knows the right things to feel. A true friend through thick and thin, just happy to be able to help you through.
-AR: Another sibling here, a brother. A bloke who just met me on the same frequency day one and has been such a delight to know since.
-CE: My other brother, the one you despair over but love no matter what. The one that somehow manages to love everyone he meets, just a gift.
-LN: So incredibly rough around the edges, and yet what lays beneath somehow radiates out to people so that almost no one even knows the edges are there!
-CR: My confidant. My rock. The one person I know would drop everything at a moments notice for me. The one person I can say would take a bullet for me without hesitation. Such an amazing blessing on my life.
-DN: New but fantastic. I giving and honourable bloke who gives for a living and keeps giving in his spare time as a hobby.
-NW: A misery buddy who is going through a similar hurt but showing great grace and dignity... along with striving through life threatening illnesses! An inspiration.
-BM: My buddy B. The guy who has been there through it all and speaks the hard truths I need to hear. The guy I have suffered alongside in the past. A straight shooter and an amazing stand up bloke.
-CH: Just a sweet girl who hurts so easily and so much, but still wants to reach out and hug you nonetheless.
-EL: Possibly the WORST at knowing the right thing to say I've ever known! But somehow still wants to keep trying until the words no longer matter, only the intentions.

...and somehow these are just the people who have been face first in my life these last few weeks. The ones that have really made an effort to hold me up and make sure I'm alright. How can someone be sad when surrounded by so much love?

which brings me to:

-Writing. I LOVE that I love my chosen profession. Even if I'm not doing it tat the moment. I love sharing what I feel with people in the chance that they feel the same and we share the human experience with each other without ever meeting. I love the play of words. I love silly, over the top, understated, dirty, clean, cheeky, and sarcastic humour that can only be achieved by finding just the right words.

-Artists. I work with a number of them on graphic novels. People who have approached me from the far flung corners of the globe. I've got a group of individuals lining down the west coast of America. Amazing chaps all. All loving, caring, talented artists who I can somehow turn to as a friend and talk to about my pain. People who have given me their number to call in case I run out of people to speak to! How can you find people so selfless, so caring?

-Possibility. The possibility that I could take on the dance world at age 30. The possibility that I could sell a screenplay or a comic or a novel and be paid to think on paper. The possibility that even though the life I knew is ending, there is a new life out there, waiting for me to claim it. The possibility that I can be any damn thing that I want to be!



...and the white dog is feeling quite full and well nourished There are some amazing things in this world. I need to remember to remind myself of them.