Completely Blindsided

[fullmoon]

you can also look for a group to join at
http://www.meetup.com

if you're in a major city there are lots of groups you can join in, hiking, Japanese language& culture, you name it.

[blind]

OK, fed, showered and laying in bed... still feeling pretty down... so instead of sitting here stewing, or running wish fulfillment fantasies through my head (When I'm rich and famous, *I* will turn *HER* down!), I'm going to try and take some advice from this board and stop 'feeding my black dog'.

I am truly thankful for:

- My parents. The have accepted me back into their lives at a moments notice, fed me, sheltered me, and loved me. I have stability and security under which to try and pull myself back together, and it is all thanks to them.

-The weather. Even when it's cold it's beautiful. This morning dropped down to 5degress, which just meant we had a thick low laying fog that dissipated as the sun burnt through the early morning.

- Food. Good, clean, cheap, healthy, tasty food. My appetite isn't huge these days, so I'm filling it with the best tasting things I can find.... which leads me to:

-Losing weight. I've dropped so much already, and it's really just falling off still. I'm getting more and more nice compliments from random strangers.

-Dancing. Lord, thank you for dancing. I may have shared it with her, but it was mine long before we met. I love the feeling of movement. I love losing yourself in the intense concentration. I love feeling like I'm flying and my feet barely skimming the ground.

-Money. Sure, sounds shallow compared to the others so far, but I love actually having money. After so long tightening the budget for the big move, having money to... not burn, but INVEST into me is just an amazing thing. I can afford to save for a car while dancing every night of the week and meeting friends for meals as often as possible and STILL have left over. It won't last forever, but it's there for the now. I guess what I really love is "POSSIBILITY"!

-Text messages. I have at least 3-4 good friends who just hammer me with texts. Even when they're sad, even when they're depressing, even when they're just a simple "Hey, how much do things suck today mate?", they're a sneak attack virtual hug from a person who just needs to let you know how much they love you no matter where they are on this earth. That's something incredibly special.

-My friends. I know it's low on the list, and should probably rate a little higher (though after 6 years in the UK, they'd have to be pretty darn good to rate above the weather!). It's down here because whenever I thought of one, I thought of another and another, and it just made me realise that there are so many different people in my life in different places who mean so many different things... how could you capture them all in just one section? So, I wont. Seeing as I'm feeding the white dog here, lets spell it out:
-SS: the first one I told, and just an amazing rock of support and a truly wonderful person.
-MB: the one who shares what I'm going through and is willing to live through it a second time, even though it KILLS her, just because she loves her mate.
-NS: The little sister I always wanted... and would have been jealous as all hell of. Beautiful, intelligent and just a wonderous ball of innocence and laughter.
-AS: A true stalwart. Doesn't always know the right things to say, but knows the right things to feel. A true friend through thick and thin, just happy to be able to help you through.
-AR: Another sibling here, a brother. A bloke who just met me on the same frequency day one and has been such a delight to know since.
-CE: My other brother, the one you despair over but love no matter what. The one that somehow manages to love everyone he meets, just a gift.
-LN: So incredibly rough around the edges, and yet what lays beneath somehow radiates out to people so that almost no one even knows the edges are there!
-CR: My confidant. My rock. The one person I know would drop everything at a moments notice for me. The one person I can say would take a bullet for me without hesitation. Such an amazing blessing on my life.
-DN: New but fantastic. I giving and honourable bloke who gives for a living and keeps giving in his spare time as a hobby.
-NW: A misery buddy who is going through a similar hurt but showing great grace and dignity... along with striving through life threatening illnesses! An inspiration.
-BM: My buddy B. The guy who has been there through it all and speaks the hard truths I need to hear. The guy I have suffered alongside in the past. A straight shooter and an amazing stand up bloke.
-CH: Just a sweet girl who hurts so easily and so much, but still wants to reach out and hug you nonetheless.
-EL: Possibly the WORST at knowing the right thing to say I've ever known! But somehow still wants to keep trying until the words no longer matter, only the intentions.

...and somehow these are just the people who have been face first in my life these last few weeks. The ones that have really made an effort to hold me up and make sure I'm alright. How can someone be sad when surrounded by so much love?

which brings me to:

-Writing. I LOVE that I love my chosen profession. Even if I'm not doing it tat the moment. I love sharing what I feel with people in the chance that they feel the same and we share the human experience with each other without ever meeting. I love the play of words. I love silly, over the top, understated, dirty, clean, cheeky, and sarcastic humour that can only be achieved by finding just the right words.

-Artists. I work with a number of them on graphic novels. People who have approached me from the far flung corners of the globe. I've got a group of individuals lining down the west coast of America. Amazing chaps all. All loving, caring, talented artists who I can somehow turn to as a friend and talk to about my pain. People who have given me their number to call in case I run out of people to speak to! How can you find people so selfless, so caring?

-Possibility. The possibility that I could take on the dance world at age 30. The possibility that I could sell a screenplay or a comic or a novel and be paid to think on paper. The possibility that even though the life I knew is ending, there is a new life out there, waiting for me to claim it. The possibility that I can be any damn thing that I want to be!



...and the white dog is feeling quite full and well nourished There are some amazing things in this world. I need to remember to remind myself of them.

[blind]

Hey Moon,

Thanks so much for the information. I'm headed to the URL now.

I know that Chinese is all popular with the kids these days, but there's something about Japan that I've always loved. I (have in the past... need to get back into) study Aikido, and I think that has opened up so much of it's culture to me. I love the food, the people and the understated way of everything. I've even had a friend in the UK tell me that he's now working for a Japanese company, and sometime within the next 18mths he'll probably head out there... and suggested meeting half way

Where in Japan are you from?

It is something that is very relevant in Australia. It always surprised me how in the UK they would refer to things as "Asian" and somehow manage to encompass everything from India/Pakistan, east through Thailand, Indoneasia, Korea, China and Japan under this same weird malfitting umbrella. The cultures are something that are very distinct, and I think very prevelant in Australia. It's something ELSE that I'm thankful for (see post above), being an Aussie. Although we joke about almost everything, we seem to really acknowledge and appreciate the diversity in the world.

Or maybe that's just me

[fullmoon]

I'm from the second largest city where Jetstar flies to :-)
There are a lot of historic places near by.
So many tourists from China these days, we are witnessing their economic power alright... many spend like crazy, once I've seen a shelf of products gone in one swipe... which is good in this recession!

Yeah I must say food is good, and everyone's so careful about what they eat.

[fullmoon]

the pain of detaching will get better each day B...
that moment of feeling 'better' and 'not too bad' will become longer and eventually will take over the heartache.

I'm too new to be giving an 'advise' but so far that's what I've been experiencing.

[blind]

I hope the pain does lesson moon.

It's been a rough day.

I finally had to tell the guy who was the best man at our wedding. More people with the shock and surprise. I ended up seeing him for a while, having coffee with two different mates, and dinner with a third and her kids. Lots of people.... but not the right one.

I sent my wife an email this morning... I hope this is a form of 'detaching'.

I said that as she hadn't replied to my last email (which as I said before, was a bit harsh), I didn't know if she intends on calling me as usual on Weds. I told her that I wasn't going to sit around and wait for her to call, and I wasn't going to try to convince her that she should. I told her outright not to call me. If she wants to call me she can send me an email and arrange a time.

It's possibly going to be seen as an attack, but I needed to say something for my own piece of mind. I needed to not be fretting about will she/won't she all week.

... I'm getting to my breaking point. If my wife refuses to see me... to even SPEAK to me, then there can't be such a thing as divorce busting. There can't be a way to deal with this.

I've started work on a letter.... I'm close to sending it, but I'll wait until next week. The letter is me dropping the rope... and then some. The letter is me saying goodbye, saying all the things that she won't let me say... and the letter tells her that I will never contact her again.

It hurts so badly, but I don't think I have any other choice. I can't be married to someone who suddenly hates me so much that they refuse to even speak to me. I'm not a bad person. I never swore at her, I never hit her, I never treated her bad. I supported her through her qualifications and her stressful job. I never guilted her about working ridiculous hours. I just loved her.

Yes I have faults and flaws a plenty, and yes I want to work on them.... but I don't think I can hold on to this anymore. She's never coming back to me and I have to come to terms with this. I have to grieve my loss, and I have to find a way to keep on living.

Today is a black day.

[sandi2]

I said that as she hadn't replied to my last email (which as I said before, was a bit harsh), I didn't know if she intends on calling me as usual on Weds. I told her that I wasn't going to sit around and wait for her to call, and I wasn't going to try to convince her that she should. I told her outright not to call me. If she wants to call me she can send me an email and arrange a time.

How do you see this as detaching???

[TimeHeals]

How do you see this as detaching???

Yeah, I don't see it either.

Not sitting around and waiting for her call is detaching. Telling her you aren't going to do it or not to call sounds like he is still struggling to influence control over the situation.

[blind]

It's not that I'm trying to control the situation.... I don't feel at least... it's just that my mind was stewing constantly, thinking on "Is she going to call this week then? What if she dosn't call? She didn't say she would or she wouldn't? Will I be prepared if she does call? What do I say to her? What if she doesn't though? Does that mean I've blown? God, I've blown it"

and so on.

By telling her not to call I was trying to get my head to calm down. I now know that she won't call.

I realise I'm probably not taking the right actions to get her back to me, and that is still what I want... but I guess it's just that I'm losing hope. I feel as though she has made up her mind and wants to push me out of her life as quickly and painlessly as possible... and why am I fighting that? If I can't even understand how she got there so quickly, how can I find a way to address her needs?

I'm trying to understand what I should be doing and how I will be able to function day to day with this... event... but I know I'm not doing too well.

[TimeHeals]

By telling her not to call I was trying to get my head to calm down. I now know that she won't call.

Umm... no you don't. You just know you told her not to call. You are just trying to exhert some control over a situation not entirely in your control.

You can decide not to wait for her to call any time you like, and you should not agree to wait for her call (that is her trying to control the situation if she makes such demands.)

Next time she calls, don't pick up. Or if you do pickup, then say you were just headed out of the door, and ask if she has a number where you can call her back. That will make her angry if she is playing a control game, so be nice about how you do it.