Husband moved in w OW 2 weeks ago - what now?

[MarieC]

I thought my husband of nine years and I were happily married but going through a stressful time because of heavy work and school obligations – but it turns out my husband had started an affair and perhaps is also in a MLC. My H was working on his MBA while holding a full time job, plus it's ski season, so I am used to being a ski widow for a few weeks each winter, but this February, I got worried and spoke with him about my concerns that he was away from home so much more than usual. In addition, he began drinking way too much (since about Thanksgiving.) He had even begun to have blackouts, which I know is a bad sign when it comes to alcohol abuse.

At the beginning of February, I asked him to cut back on his drinking and after-sports hanging out with the guys to spend some more time with me (I just asked for one weekday evening and one weekend day – from my husband) and to give himself more sober time to focus a bit better on his MBA thesis (he only had a few weeks left before it was due and had written nothing – I know what I’m talking about on this front, as I'm a professional writer who has written several books and have a graduate degree from Yale – I also, at his request, edited and helped him with every single paper he did during his MBA.)

Well, my normally kind, patient, sweet-natured husband, who had never once told me he was unhappy in our marriage, became enraged. He stormed out of the house, came home later that night but didn’t speak with me for 3 days, and when he finally did speak with me, told me he was “done” and that he wanted a divorce because “we have nothing in common anymore.” He would not discuss his decision at all or explain any more beyond some vague comments that he later retracted.

I thought the excess drinking was because he was stressed about his being able to complete his MBA thesis, which is hard to do on top of a full time job. He had also recently gotten very much into sports, but I thought that that was also a way to cope with the extra stress of working and doing an MBA and because the doctor recommended it as he’d gained 60 lbs doing the MBA, which caused back problems the doctor said would be alleviated with more activity.

Well, it turns out I was completely wrong – about why he was leaving me, I’d been pulling my hair out trying to figure out why, as he had – the day before I talked with him about the drinking – told me the best part of his day was coming home to me. He never stopped being affectionate or telling me he loved me or sleeping with me.

He just left 2 weeks ago. It turns out the he left me to live with the barmaid (with a 9th grade education who can barely speak English) where he goes drinking. He has cut off communications with all of his/our old friends, his parents, and his sister, all of whom – like me – thought that we had a happy marriage and were good to one another and the he really loved me. Even the waiters in the restaurants we went to each week were in shock – they couldn’t believe it, either, as he was always so affectionate to me.

He initially tried to hide the affair, saying he “needed time and space to think” and that it was “just a trial separation so he could think straight,” but this is a small town and it took no time for neighbors to tell me what they had been seeing. He initially denied the affair but admitted it when the evidence was overwhelming. A few weeks ago, he signed a lease for a new apartment and told me he wants a divorce; this isn’t a trial separation. No discussion, no counseling, it’s over.

His best friend from college, trying to figure out what the heck had happened, told me a few days ago that that he thinks I stepped on the perfect landline with my H, when I asked him to cut back on his drinking and said I feared he would never make his thesis deadline (which he did not – he missed it.) Apparently, as an undergrad, my H was thrown out of his university for drinking too much and failing his undergraduate thesis! He had to leave college for a year, during which he worked on banquets in a hotel, then had to reapply and interview for readmission, and then repeat the entire year. His friend said it was humiliating for my H. (The way my H had told the story to me was that he took a year off and that working in the hotel had done him a world of good because it proved to him you needed a degree to get decent work in today’s world.)

So... he moved out last Thursday and the bimbo moved right into his new apartment with him. He signed a post nup giving up rights to half my savings and retirement (he was entitled to that under the law where we live) in exchange for all of our furniture and the (expensive) car. As he moved out (it took 4 days to take apart our household), he kept crying and saying he had forgotten how good it was to be with me (God know what story he'd concocted to justify his behavior to Bimbo and himself about me and our marriage) and that he loved me...

But he still moved out, taking all our furniture off to his new life with Bimbo. He wants to "be friends" but I can't - so we have no contact – at least now.

What do you guys recommend about a way ahead?