still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

I just learned that Anthony Bourdain is coming to my town in June and I am trying to get tickets! Now what really really sucks is that WH and I used to watch his "food" show on the Travel channel and it would have been perfect for the two of us to go.

But I will go and then AFTER will tell him! neener neener neeeeener!

Ok so I took S to the museum (there was a play exhibit for babies) and then to the park later today. It was all right- he liked the play area but was so cranky that we had to leave!

I made his 12 month appointment and texted it to WH- it happened to be on S' actual birthday. I just said S' appt is 7/6/09 at 11:30. if you can't go we can change it!

WH replied a long message about how it works for him and that he will be getting shots and what a bummer to get shots on his actual birthday!

I just share this because his text reply seemed a little chatty.

Well for the drop off, I got a little dressed up with a new turquoise beaded 3 strand necklace and earrings to go with, and I fit into some black denim crop pants that I haven't worn in a couple of years! So I wore that to the parking lot exchange. Sure enough, WH looked me up and down and then asked "so you want me to bring him back 9ish?" I am pretty sure he asked because he assumed I was going out (which I do for real these days, lol! just not tonight) It still is annoying that he asks though- I tell him every time- between 8:30 and 9 is fine!

So I came back home, worked out and ate dinner (nutrisystem black bean soup to which I added peppers, onions, hot sauce and some fage fat free greek yogurt). Then I showered but didn't wash my hair and changed back into the clothes I was wearing lol! So that when he dropped off S it would look like I just got back! True confessions...

Anyway he dropped off S and I verified some schedule things with him....letting him know that it would be fine with me if he picked up S on Thursday night next week when he gets back from his trip instead of Fri a.m. (so I can go out for real!)

Then he commented on how much S was standing and I told him how he stood without touching anything when we were at the museum. It was the first time he did that and the first time I took him to that museum!

Well that was it. Oh- he did leave and come back real quick with S' bag but I stayed in the living room and just shouted "thanks! bye!" without getting up like I normally would have! lol!

[newmama]

Oh and BD, I have reflected on my flaws and flaws in our relationship....here were some of his complaints about me:

I worked too much (but I changed that in fall 08 when we got pregnant!!!)He wished I was a little more adventurous with activities. I have fears of getting hurt, drowning, looking dumb, scared of the dark....
but I am working on my self confidence, I use a night light, I learned how to swim, and there is this zipline adventure park nearby that I totally want to try! ME- ZIPLINE! I want to find someone to go with me! Too bad WH is missing out.

He also complained that I didn't show much interest in working on the house and yard, cleaning, taking charge of cooking(I was the "prep" cook and he was the chef!) and wanted me to maybe play some video games once in awhile! So I have improved in all of those areas and am now the perfect woman! haha. I did affirm WH quite a bit but did not bring him gifts and do small acts of service (his LLs) but I did that during his visitation at the house for the last 5-6 months.

He and I both avoid conflict. We both want to please the other...example: if he wanted to go out to eat at a particular restaurant he would ask me where I wanted to go. I would say and then he would say "ok. we could also go to ___" which is where he wanted to go all along! So I would say "that sounds good!let's go there instead!" And I would do that same sort of thing to him! ARRRRGGHHH!

We both can be passive aggressive (but he is worse than me!) We don't talk about our feelings much.You know what really bothers me though- I could completely be myself with him but I thought he was being himself with me. Guess not.

[Babydoll]

NM, your 'flaws' are not flaws... they are also not reasons for your H to have left! If he felt strongly about some of the things you mentioned above, then why didnt he bring it up in normal conversation, so that you could have had the opportunity to work on these tiny tidbits that make up the person you are, the person he fell in love with and the person he married!

By the way, dont believe a word he said! Did he tell you this stuff when he left or afterwards or just things you feel are what he didnt like? either way, dont believe him and dont put yourself down!

And good for you for showing him you are PERFECT!!! Woohoo!!!
Let him see how silly those 'flaws' are and were and that they are fixable!

When H dropped the bomb on me he came out with the most bazaar 'flaws'. I am no where near perfect, but i always thought my H loved everything about me even my wierd and silly ways.
He said I didnt like to go out anymore... ummm we have no money bc you are in school and not working, spend too much time studying, and walks in the park and watching a movie togetehr or going for ice cream are free or really inexpensive! there were other stupid comments he made too at the time. when i brough it up and told him they were stupid reasons to leave and not valid reasons for a divorce he sort of laughed it off, realizing they were in fact dumb comments to make, apologized while saying he doesnt remember saying those things. The excuse then became that he never put me first in his life and therefore fell out of love with me. I did tell him he didnt make me first. more so recently w school, and 12 years ago when we were teenagers! A month or so ago, H made a comment that he would need to put me first if we ever worked things out, and also said 'you told me i NEVER put you first, so i dont know how to' and i replied with you did put me first 90% of our years together. i always thought you loved me more than i loved you... i always felt he put me on a pedastal... i guess one where not being fun was tucked somewhere in the middle. hate how they take one negative comment and live off of it!!!

Like you NM, i am working on my confidence and 'flaws'. I notice that when i am confident around H, he tends to like it a bit more...

[newmama]

And glad to hear that you stuck to your plan. That's not just about strategy, it's about gaining confidence in your own ability to follow through on your plan.

Good point, FM! Especially confidence about this being the right thing and not second guessing myself! That is what is hard. But thanks to DB strategies of "do something different" and "LRT" I get reassurance. After all, what I did before didn't get me closer to R. Yet if I hadn't have done it, I would have wondered "what if..." or "I should have..."

[newmama]

We all go through many transitions in life, and I think a crisis can occur in any one of those transitions. Some kids "fail to launch" in their 20's, some have "commitment issues" in their 30's, some freak out at settling down, and so on. Now I am rambling! Not your fault! his issues!

Yeah...I could tell he was a wounded bird, like me, but I had nooooo clue or inkling he was that messed up! I do wonder if I could handle him with these huge emotional problems. ???

This is really corny but for anyone who has seen "Brothers", the wife in the last scene forces her husband to tell her his dark "secret" or she will leave him. She knows they couldn't have a good marriage together, no matter how much she loved him, if he wouldn't let her know. I felt like if WH wanted to R, he would have to be willing to be an open book. So would I though!

[newmama]

had another revelation...part of the way I am acting toward WH gave me da ja vus of how I acted when I was dating! Not over eager, not concerned about rejection, busy with my life, let the guy be the one to call me/pursue me, and just was relaxed and confident! NO expectations!

I point this out because when I sit there and need to know "how to act" I do have my plan that I posted but to tap into familiar behavior really helps to stick to my plan if that makes sense!

Of course while dating, I would be engaging and flirtatious during conversations so I am not doing that with WH due to the circumstance, lol!

[WhatNow]

I believe most people bop along thru life carrying a load they don't realize is there until something happens that brings it to the top.

Yes you could cope w/ his issues, IF you knew what they were.

Sue Johnson wrote a book, "Hold me Tight", based on her emotionally focused therapy. Many Marriage and Family therapists are trained in this these days. I liked it b/c it points out pitfalls and how to avoid them. It is not about affairs, but recovering closeness. It gave me hope that if he ended his affair, we could recover our R.

[WhatNow]

had another revelation...part of the way I am acting toward WH gave me da ja vus of how I acted when I was dating! Not over eager, not concerned about rejection, busy with my life, let the guy be the one to call me/pursue me, and just was relaxed and confident! NO expectations!

I point this out because when I sit there and need to know "how to act" I do have my plan that I posted but to tap into familiar behavior really helps to stick to my plan if that makes sense!

Of course while dating, I would be engaging and flirtatious during conversations so I am not doing that with WH due to the circumstance, lol!

Don't ya love those "V8" moments!

[Babydoll]

part of the way I am acting toward WH gave me da ja vus of how I acted when I was dating! Not over eager, not concerned about rejection, busy with my life, let the guy be the one to call me/pursue me, and just was relaxed and confident! NO expectations!

Exactly how I feel!

[Piano]

NM, sorry if I have missed a beat along the way, but what exactly are your H's flaws (as you see them)?

Why is he a 'wounded bird'?

(and I'm not talking about him leaving his pregant wife for another woman, which is just about the most obvious sign of someone not being in their right mind!)