I don't think you have to worry much about him thwarting your DB'ing efforts.. cause to be honest so far they have not been all that great.
ok. i'll trust you on this one. if you read my other posts, you can see that i'm starting to open up more about my sitch.
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Most people find DB.com when it is too late. They have created such a hole.. it is hard to get out.
did i find db.com too late?
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My goal when I decided to keep posting here was to help 1%. So.. if I talk to 100 people..1 of them might get it.
i'm grateful you have stayed with my thread. i want to stop feeling hurt. i want to stop making decisions based on feeling.
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Eh.. kinda. At some point.. yes both of you will have to be on board. I do think one person can direct where you both go though.
i'm going to trust you on this one too.
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See.. you don't understand that you have lost YOURSELF.. and your marriage. They are intertwined. I would bet a million dollars that the person sitting on the other side of this screen right now.. is not the real you. How can you change things.. when the real you.. is buried under all this "Emotion"? It happens to us all.. and I cannot say it more clearly.. the faster you stop that.. and get your head back on right.. the better the chance of winning. I need the real you.. to shine! I need you to make smart decisions.. not "Emotional" ones.
how do i get myself out of this emotional fog? i'm going to have to start practicing on people before trying it out on h.
i've been trying to keep a happy persona. and i think i unwittingly lead people on. someone struck up a conversation in the elevator one morning and the conversation ended with the man saying "we should go for a drink some time." .. i kinda half smiled. i still wear my wedding ring but i don't think he saw it.
yesterday i came home from squash and a guy got in the elevator, saw my racquet bag and asked if i played squash. apparently he did too and he wanted to get back into it. i asked if he was any good and if so, he should drop by our club. now, i wasn't trying to pick this guy up or anything but it ended in a handshake and a confirmation on each other's name.
i guess in the two cases described above, it was effortless. i was being the Good Girl. i'm not interested so .... i didn't make my decisions based on emotion?! is that what you mean?
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Look.. if you need someone to step away from your thread just say it. Me included. Just say the words.. and don't be afraid of it. If they don't listen.. let me know.. I have not exercised my "Drama Queen" in a while now.
no no. i just noticed how bummedout has been jumping from thread to thread, and i really don't need his two cents to derail my thread or drive my advisors away. that would be the reason why i would abandon this thread. if i felt my thread was being hijacked or sabotaged, then i would abandon ship. there is no need for that.
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So.. what was he really saying here? Most likely he did not understand the depth of importance to you. You can be nice to someone for a while. After it keeps happening.. it gets harder to be nice. You think that people should know.. you want to be nice.. and that you were once or twice. This is a clear idea of how we need to be more clear with the things we say and do. To a man.. his job is to "fix" your crying. If he is not successful he will distance himself. Most likely because he does not understand and he gets frustrated. Frustration.. leads to anger.. and off we go. You have to be on the look out for when you become "overwhelming". That is where you change it. DB will teach you to break down every interaction.. and after a while it becomes habit.. or something you do naturally.
in my later posts, i reveal that when h dropped the d-bomb, he had said he wasn't sure if he wanted kids. he felt it was a difference of ours. i said kids was negotiable. i actually wasn't sure if i really wanted them. yeah, it would be nice to have them but i also had a lot of fears when it came to having children. but he said he felt i would resent him if we didn't have them. again, trying to put words in my mouth when he didn't ask how i felt about not having kids. his mom really wanted grandkids. i wasn't pressured by her but i would have loved to give her grandkids.
while we're on this topic. bring out your 2x4. during our m, i made a hurtful comment once about our fertility issue. i was adamant that the problem wasn't with me. and i said y'know sometimes i want to do it with another man just to see if the problem is with you (h). that was probably the most hurtful thing i ever said to h. he was truly hurt by that. because it touched on infidelity (which like me - is not negotiable for him) and implying that he was inadequate. you can hit me with the 2x4 now.
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This is the goal. At some point.. you are gonna have to get lucky.. or create a situation where you see him. The goal of this meeting will be for you to make a statement. I don't want to generate a response from him.. but you need to say some things.
my anniversary is in june. should i write it in a card? we've always expressed ourselves in writing. every year i get 2-3 card from him telling me how much he loved me and despite our differences, there was nobody he rather be with.
on a side note. you know how you said not to let my mind be my worst enemy? well .. my mind tells me that i should be getting a dear john letter from h. telling me how he is no longer in love with me due to our differences.
when he moved out, i turned the house upside down looking for this letter. i expected him to leave it somewhere for me to find when i got home. i've never found such a letter. but for some reason, i think it's coming and the thought of it makes my heart race in a bad way. he no longer loves me.
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Anyone who "sees" this interaction will have no doubt that it is sincere. If you can't pull that off.. don't do it. It is hundreds of times more important how you say it.. then what you say. Ideally you pull it off flawlessly.
i will need to practice this before i actually try it out on h. how will i know when i'm making a decision based on thought rather than emotion? can you give me an example?
i will continue to post. it's therapeutic for me. when i post, i reveal things like how i normally fight. it might give you some insight on how i need to be reigned in or what kind of advice will or will not work with me.
