I think she is in replay and is cycling right now. I'm praying she gets some kind of guidance from someone or something to help set her path. Right now she's just adrift and going through the motions in life.
Re-read the 6 stages. I think she may have passed through replay. The question is whether she will cycle back to it again.
I just re-read the last few pages of your sich again. Sandi and coach are both telling you to open back up to your W. What makes you say that she is still in replay? I disagree.
Now you are far from being done. This is not over by any means. But it might be time to shift gears slightly.
Actually I needed advice as to whether or not I should tell her sister and her mom that I was still fighting for the marriage. Just to restate my intentions.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I talk to them at least once a week. I just don't like the idea of them enabling my W and making life for my D's seem so great. Since they are big influencers in my W's life, I'd rather they not raise my kids or else the pattern is going to repeat itself.
I was especially thinking about talking to my MIL since her H skipped out on her.
This really isn't about changing their minds or anything, it's just a statement of fact that "I" want and believe the marriage to be salvageable and I would do anything for my kids and family to keep them together.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes I think what you said to your W was very well said. As far as what a man can do when a woman says nothing is wrong (when he "knows" that there is)would be to gently put his arms around her and just hold her. Some women just need a little encouragement like telling her, "You are the most important person in the world to me". Of course, when a couple is S then you may not be in the position where you can show physical affection......but you let her know verbally, and if words are her LL, then that should be a lot for her.
I know we women are hard to understand. So help me.....I am not sure why we give that answer that "nothing's wrong" when we actually want our H to show that he is truly concerned in our feelings. You know...that is what we females are all about....feelings! Maybe we just need to be reassured that he really "wants" to know what's going on and that he's not asking b/c we are showing a "mood" and he is being sarcastic (in like "Okay, now what's wrong?")or that he is simply asking like it's part of his duty or something.
You guys have a tough call.....huh?
My H still doesn't talk about his feelings and doesn't open up like I used to plead for him to do, but I have come to accept the fact that that isn't who he is. He does show more effort in trying to make conversation, now. He doesn't ignore me whenever I say anything....like he used to do before my EA.
I don't want it to sound like I'm giving credit to the EA in any sense of the word, but we both have changed for the better since that happened. I think it woke him up and he realized that he could actually lose me to another man. And me.....well, I certainly am not the "Mrs. Perfect Christian" (not that I ever was) but I'm saying that the experience has humbled me like nothing else before. I will never look down my nose at somebody having an A again. I'm not saying I uphold it in any way.....but I can see it from a "human" viewpoint. Not sure I did that in the past, and I think I probably thought I was "above" doing anything like that. Maybe that is why I got myself into a vulnerable mess and ended up doing what I did.
Perhaps that is why I find it hard not to feel what I do toward your W. At times, when I read about her, I want to pinch her head off.....but usually, I just feel a tremendous sadness for her. I see her experiencing depression to the point of feeling "dead" inside, and she can't find enough energy or life about herself to even have a desire about "anything". I use to feel like the walking dead, and when I read about her, I can't help but think she feels that way also.
I can't understand why she won't try to get help for her depression, unless she doesn't believe she's depressed. I say that about her.....but I did the same thing when I was in that state. If my D had not taken me to the doctor the day she came in and found me about to have an emotional breakdown.....there's no telling.....I guess I would have lost it!
Well, I've told you all that stuff before. Sorry for repeating myself. Sometimes I don't post simply b/c I don't know anything else to say.....but I still care very much. I admire how you have stood for your M and in spite of everything, you still love your W. I pray to God that she will see how blessed she is and that it will not take her as long as it did me. I knew my H was a good man, but I didn't know how to really appreciate him until I did the worst to him.
You have helped so many people here on the board. That has not gone unnoticed by God and I believe He will reward you for your work. "In due season"......sweetie. Our time is not His time....and it sure is hard, isn't it? You'll make it....I really believe that!
BTW, I see how it appears that your in-laws are enabling your W, but do you think they can see that? Maybe they think they are just trying to make things easy for her and the girls. I know it sounds crazy, but people do that all the time. If you say anything to them, please be extremly careful b/c as you probably know, it can go haywire quickly....plus your W could react badly to it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think my in-laws don't see it as enabling. They're just helping out their family member. Neither her sister or her mom are married so I don't think they truly understand what a marriage is all about.
I've got a big update that I'll be posting later today.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
