I wanted to ask whether nay of you know of timelines in MLC and whether 16 months after Bomb Drop (still with OW that H was in affair with prior to and after Bomb Drop) is still a relatively short amount of time?
I would appreciate your thoughts....
If you have a chance to read my thread my update is that I have been in America with D8 (nearly 9) since January and return to Ireland at the end of July. d and I have made BIG strides and have really been trying to move on. We are both doing a great job but its still hard and some nights I still cry.
My H is still spewing etc but it is somewhat reduced because of the distance between us at the moment and our only form of contact is either email or through solicitor.
I suspect he is still in replay but unsure because of his consistency and continuity. Also his complete lack of remorse....
I have won a Fulbright award and a visiting fellow to Harvard University. My solicitor is putting in an application for me to take our D with me there from end of Jan 2010 to end of June 2010.
I guess you are finishing your stay at Harvard. I hope that went well
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I wanted to ask whether nay of you know of timelines in MLC and whether 16 months after Bomb Drop (still with OW that H was in affair with prior to and after Bomb Drop) is still a relatively short amount of time?
He sounds like he is still in replay. Timelines are not a good way to measure his progress. It is better to see what his actions tell you he is doing. Until the OW is out of the picture he is still in replay. Affairs can last up to two years or more. But there are no guarantees.
Replay could go on forever. Some people get stuck there. Remorse would come much later.
Hello Old Pilot, thanks very much for your message. yes, I am still in Harvard; I won the court case to take our D out of the jurisdiction for 7 months; we return at the end of July. I can understand that timelines are a tenuous way to assess MLC....his actions are really very clear. No obvious action with me except occasional emails that are very clearly telling me how obstructive and difficult I am being. Our D has suffered so much and it has taken every ounce of effort and energy in me to try and get her to the point where she isn't shaking, upset, crying, often wetting her bed etc. I guess its been SUCH a tough 16 months. If H is still in replay do they show any cycling or is it common for H to have a determined path? I have read many of your posts on other threads and have been very moved by some of your advice and comments. Thanks for taking the time to post here I x
If H is still in replay do they show any cycling or is it common for H to have a determined path?
Either path is possible. Possibly because of the long distance you are not seeing the cycling. All you can do is to stay on your path and continue to live your life.
What did you study at Harvard? Is it something that you will be able to use to get a job when you get home?
Thanks Pilot; I agree that all I can do is live my life. There are days when I am feeling strong and other days not so strong, I guess like many LBS here. I have been studying music performance and literature at Harvard. Back home the economy is so bad I dont hold out any hope of getting a good job. I may have to look further afield....my H lost his company a few months ago (OW was his development manager) so he is now technically unemployed although I cant imagine that he wouldn't have many ideas and avenues for freelance work up his sleeve. I thought that when news of the company folding hit hat H would go into more of a "rock bottom" but he seems to be taking it in his stride. What are your thoughts on OW being a 'crutch" or "bandaid" in these situations (h has no money and no where to live as he has been banned by the judge from the family home).Does length of time matter? I x
What are your thoughts on OW being a 'crutch" or "bandaid" in these situations (h has no money and no where to live as he has been banned by the judge from the family home).
Yes, she is probably a bandaid and a crutch.
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Does length of time matter?
No. But do you really know what is going on with him and OW? When he is lashing out at you he may also be lashing out at her too. Just a thought.
Thanks Old Pilot, I was thinking about the last 16 months the other day and I really understood fully what a devastating mess MLC causes. You are right, I do not know what is going on for my H, he is another life and universe in a sense. I am trying to get on building the best life that I can for me and our D. I would say he realises just how much he needs OW on a lot of different levels at the moment.As you say, whether he comes out of replay or not it remains to be seen. What are the signs of H coming out of replay. You have mentioned getting rid of OW; are there any other main changes? Thanks for your postings by the way
What are the signs of H coming out of replay. You have mentioned getting rid of OW; are there any other main changes?
The next stage is depression, not to be confused with OW withdrawl, which must happen before the depression stage. In depression you will see them looking out the window, staring at the computer screen thinking over their whole life. They may think about suicide. Some actually will do it, or try to do it.
IDK what you see prior to this stage, maybe some touch & go's. Replay continues until the MLC'er figures out that their search for happiness is not being found in the way that they are looking for it. OW, self medication,drinking,drugs)
